The conversation of puberty is not one you start when your children gets to the stage of puberty, it is one you start even before they gets there. One of the first questions I ask parents every time regarding puberty is \”How Prepared Are You\”?

Whenever you start conversations around puberty, it agitates parents because puberty conversation is a big deal.When it comes to gender confusion with children going through puberty today is on the high side. When you x-ray statistics on porn addiction, you will find that African countries are found among the first five countries globally.

Most people think that gender confusion only happens abroad but the current reality shows that this happens everywhere including in our country. If you don\’t equip your child with all they need to know they will be confused. It doesn\’t matter what you know, if you don\’t know how to parent you will fail at it.

The only way to get out of what is happening in this era is to get knowledge. Knowledge is a pre-requisite for parenting in the 21st century.

The typical age range for girls to start puberty is the age of 7 to 13, it\’s also been found that before a child gets fully into puberty they have already begun the pre-puberty stage. Boys also go through puberty, the typical age for boys to reach puberty is the age of 9.

You are to start the puberty conversation before your child reaches puberty and the sex conversation should start as soon as your child is born. You start your sex conversation the moment you have a child because sex conversations are first non-verbal.

A lot of people come to me to ask \”Coach what do I do? how do I start? When do I start? The answer is this :You are to start the moment you have a child. You don\’t prepare for war at war, you plan before you get to war.

Sex conversations are first non-verbal so you start it before your child is verbal. I have seen a lot of wrong sex conversation education, people advocating that sex education should start by the age of 5. (Are you kidding)? There is so so much to teach that you cannot plan what to teach when you get to puberty.

When we talk about the cumulative advantage in parenting it also applies to your sex education. A child who started having these conversations at a non-verbal stage will have an advantage over a child who starts having these conversations at the age of 10.

HOW TO PREPARE YOUR CHILD FOR PUBERTY

1. You need to Equip Yourself First: It is foolishness to think that you know everything that you need to raise a child just because you gave birth to your child. \”This is why the scripture says that my people perish from the lack of knowledge\”. Unfortunately, we were not equipped with answers so therefore it is almost impossible for you to teach what you don\’t know. The sex conversations our parents gave us were fear-based sex conversations, when you give your children fear-based sex conversations you are disempowering them instead of empowering them. You must understand that when it comes to sex conversations, it is not about policing your child, controlling or instilling fear it is about empowering them. How your child will make choices is about how empowered they are /feel.

When you empower your children they are able to make decisions irrespective of our presence, when you disempower your child you make them dependent on you and that\’s not the aim of sex conversation, the aim of sex conversation is that a child feels empowered to deliver void of your presence. You also need to learn about conversations that will determine sex choices, sex conversation is not about the mechanics of sex.

2 You Must Teach Your Children about self-esteem and how to live it: You don\’t teach self-esteem by writing it on the board, there is a process. If you must share sex conversations that are valuable, your girl child must understand self-esteem like their name and your boy child must understand self-control like their name. In the school of sex conversations, the curriculum is you.

3. You Must Teach Sex Control: No matter how much you teach about the mechanics of sex it can never empower your child to make decisions what empowers your child is the ability to make decisions. Your children are sexual beings and if they ever come in contact with sex they will enjoy it this is why you must teach self-control. In the upcoming sex educate your child like a pro, we will be teaching how to teach your children to have self-control.

4. You Must Teach Self-Confidence: Self-esteem and self-confidence are not the same things, anyone who lacks self-confidence will be molested and make wrong choices

5. You Must Teach Self Identity: The truth of the matter is that children do a lot of the things they do because they don\’t know who they are, they lack self-identity.There is a way you will see yourself, there are things that you will never do.

6. You Must Teach Self Worth: Your child must know and understand the worth of their being. Many children do not know the worth of their being.

7. You Must Teach Self Discovery. There is a way you will discover your life in template, there are some things you cannot do.

8. You must teach Self Leadership: If a child cannot lead themselves, they cannot make decisions.

9. You must teach Self Expression

10. You must teach Self Awareness

11.You must teach self values, principles, and vision.

Puberty begins the process of transitioning from childhood to adulthood.

OTHER CONVERSATIONS YOU MUST HAVE WITH YOUR CHILD ARE:

1. Porn Literacy
2. Gender Confusion
3. Family Values: If there is no family values your child will be prone to anything, once you get into the inner circle we command you to produce a family value system.

You Can Join The Waitlist For The Inner Circle Program Here

Sex conversations are bigger than pointing out the public and private parts. Many parents today are afraid of discussing sex with their children, but it is important to know that there is no vacuum in parenting.

Whatever you are not teaching your child, someone or something is teaching your child. There are many factors determining how we have these conversations. And this inhibits sexual conversation in our parenting journey.

Last year we started the SEX EDUCATE YOUR CHILD LIKE A PRO CHALLENGE 1.0 and we had almost 3,000 parents in that challenge. One thing that remained constant as a review from parents who attended the first challenge was “I thought I knew anything about sex conversation, everything here is new to me”.

We have opened up registration for S3X EDUCATE LIKE A PRO 2.0 !! This one is an upgrade of last year\’s challenge, so even if you were there last year, this is new knowledge again.

We already have almost 300 parents registered for this challenge less than 48 hours after launch. We are also giving out a 30-day of Sex education like a pro guide to the first 400 persons to register. Remember 300 slots are already gone.

See details to register: Register Here: https://selar.co/Sexeducationchallenge Or make direct payment to Pay to 0509494057.The Intentional Parent Academy (GT Bank). Then send a chat to 08129687040 with proof of payment.

When we talk about impact, I realize that several people do not understand what impact is about, when parents talk about the parenting goals they say things like I just want to raise a good, obedient child. Even though there is nothing wrong with raising a good child, there is everything wrong with raising a good child who cannot thrive.

One of the things I have seen is that we do not understand the difference between raising children who are obedient and raising children who can make an impact. You can raise a child who is obedient but foolish, I am going to take a cue from the conversation in the bible that talks about the foolish virgins, when people talk about the foolish virgins, they talk about it from the light of, that the foolishness of the virgins came from not knowing what to do but on the other hand I think it\’s actually not that, the story of the 10 virgins is a typical example of being obedient, yet unskilled.

A few months ago we read a book by Malcolm Gladwell called the Outliers, this is a book we reviewed in the Inner circle program, it was talking about the \”Whatelses\” Your child is smart, brilliant, obedient but what else do they bring to the table? The Whatelses are things that made the difference. The environment is a key factor in how you raise your children. During the just-concluded healing Course, Isaac Onoja one of my co-facilitators said that 80% of who we become is linked to the environment and that environment includes who raised you.\” Who raised you is a determining factor to who you become\”, the environment, the era and the culture of where you were raised.

What Are The Determining Factors Of Raising Children That Can Change Their World?
Some factors will determine if this child is headed towards making an impact.

1. The Matthew Effect: The Matthew Effect is a key determining factor in how your child will make an impact. The Matthew Effect was adapted from the book of Matthew 25 vs 29: For every one that hath shall be given and he shall have abundance: but from him, that hath not shall be taken away even that which he hath. Opportunities not fully utilized can never be gotten, making an impact will go beyond personality, how intelligent your child is, lifestyle, inborn talents, etc. it is about the development and grooming.

No matter how great the seed is, if it is not nurtured and given the attention it will not blossom. That is why the bible talks that time and chance happen to them all, time is the preparation, and chance is the opportunity. The reason why people who have to keep getting is because success is not only attributed to merit, it is the ingredient in the success that makes for success. So you need to ask yourself if you are fully utilizing the opportunities that you have.

1. Skills: Acquiring skills gives you influence and elevates you because you worked to develop yourself and you are seen because the system rewards you. You want to raise an impactful child and yet the child has zero skills. Impact people are people who give value to their world, the simple definition of impact is value.

You cannot become more, without being skilled. If your child cannot offer anything good to the world, they cannot make an impact. The world is looking for value, what your child can offer. The question you need to ask yourself today is, What can my child offer? Going back to the story of the 10 virgins, the wise virgins were called wise because they were more skilled, they remembered the extras, the foolish virgins were prepared like the wise virgins, in fact, if there was no eventuality they would have been among the wise ones. They were called foolish because they lacked the “Whatelses” or the extras. When you are raising your children, what will make you raise impactful children are the Whatelses.In the bible, everyone who was great has the extras. David, Samson, Joseph, etc

1. Hardwork: Smart work involves taking your time to understand the problem, to get an efficient strategy, to get a workable execution plan, and trust me this takes time. Smart work is about efficiency not lazing around. Smart work is not easy work, you need to stop hiding your children from adversity. There is no impactful person that I have read in my life, that is not a hard worker. If you miss the part of raising children who are not smart workers you will raise a foolish child.

Hard work is never ancient, it remains valid. Successful people work hard, there is nobody you see flying high that does not work hard. It also takes hard-working to sustain impact.

1. Accumulative Advantage(The 10-hour Rule): Research has proven over and again that how to achieve success is if you put in the 10,000-hour rule. This says that you can become a genius, you can become an impact maker, or an expert if you put in 10,000 hours on a task or a field of expertise, this 10,000 hour equals to 10 years of accumulative Advantage and diligence. It is required to practice the 10,000 hour rule to achieve any level of mastery associated with being an expert in anything that you do.It takes the brain that number of hours to master any skill. This has been proven over and over again. Practice is not what you do once you are good , practice is what you do over and over again that makes you good~ Malcolm Gladwell

Here is the downside of this 10,000 hour rule, the time is so long that it is practically impossible for you to reach that number by yourself by the time you are a young adult, it is totally impossible. You must have parents who understand this and support you and it has to be intentional and structured. Have you ever wondered why our athletes are not at their peak,they are not exceptional? It is because they didn\’t get to complete the 10,000 hour practice rule,they didn\’t get to complete it before starting to play at that level. You cannot compete with a child who started gymnastics at the age of 4 with another child who starts at the age of 17,the 10000 hour rule will count against you and this is what happens in Africa we are raising children who do not have mastery.
Part of what we do in the inner circle is to create structures that give your children mastery on a daily basis, if you do not follow structure your children cannot achieve it,they cannot reach the 10 hour rule because it takes a lot of structure for your children to be able to achieve this and their is no impact without mastery.

YOU CAN JOIN THE INNER CIRCLE HERE

If you see anyone who is able to deliver ,go and ask them the 10000 rule has applied in their favour. There is a how to every success in life ,especially parenting success.You must have what it is you are giving,what truly distinguishes the history of great men is not the extraordinary talent they have but the extra ordinary opportunities they utilise wisely.

5.The Parenting Advantage: Who raised you will be a determining factor of what you become , there are opportunities that will never come to you because of who raised you.The access to knowledge you have as a parent will be directly proportional to the kind of impact that your child will make. There are a lot of people who have been raised with parenting advantage , Chimamanda Adichie is one of them, she has an advantage.

Parenting is war, the success of you children is dependent on how much war you have fought for them, that\’s their footing , that will be the platform they start from. There are ingredients for success, the fact that your child is smart and talented doesn\’t make for success, it is about grooming and development. No matter how good the seed is, if you don\’t pay attention to nurture that seed it will not blossom. There must be something you know, that sets your children apart.

Fathers Play one of the most important roles in their families unfortunately we are having more fathers absent either by being physically absent or lack of involvement.

Research has found that the problem of absent fathers leads to higher divorce rates, destructive and negative changes in family structures, behavior problems in children, violence among teens, and moral decadence.

However, over the years of working with parents, I have personally found like many other researchers that fathers are absent due to their own lost sense of identity and lack of clarity regarding their role as fathers meanwhile their role on being the major influence on their children\’s destiny leaves a vacuum.

Unfortunately also the modern culture is playing down on the fact that DADDY IS DESTINY yet research proves over and again that families with strong fatherhood systems fair better always. Don’t be lied to, Every child needs a father figure in his life to thrive not just survive. I believe that no child should be made to go through an upbringing without having a father figure support him or her because their destiny is dependent on it.

We understand these gaps, and that is why In the past 3 years we have consistently created a narrative to equip more fathers to do better and also celebrate fathers to understand their roles.

TIP FATHERS CONFERENCE 2020 is coming with a difference. We have lined up fathers who are in the industry of fatherhood to teach other fathers and celebrate them as well. We won’t continue assuming that we know what to do, we have chosen to intentionally teach it.

No man should miss this conference.The Intentional The Intentional Parent Academy and their partners have paid in full for this, so access is FREE for you.

Use Link To Register and tag every man you know . See all details on Flier. https://bit.ly/TIPfathersconference2022

Remember the next generations destiny is dependent on the Fathers .join us and spread this message.

I feel like I’m failing as a parent” We’ve all felt overwhelmed with the weight of parenthood at one time or another. When we’re frustrated and helpless like we have no idea what we’re doing. Maybe it’s when we feel like we’re doing something wrong, especially when we can’t decide or don’t know which direction to take. Other times we’re scared about how this is all going to turn out, at the rate we’re going. There are various reasons parents fail on their journey and there is what to do so you don\’t fail.

Why You Keep Failing On Your Parenting Journey

1. Mindset: The number one reason parents feel like failures on their journey can be traced to their mindset, they lack the ability to mentally transition. A lot of parents are growing older but their minds are not transitioning to meet the demands and responsibilities that are being demanded of them at the time. There are various factors that influence mindset such as:

a) The dependency Mentality: Many children were not raised to transition that is why you hear people say things like \”Whatever it is my parents did, I will do it the same way\”.We were taught the how\’s which is the methodology but we were not taught the why\’s which is the principle so we end up with the dependency Mentality. I have said over and again that the reason for being raised is to be better for the next generation but we hear people say things like \”the same way my parents did things is the same way I will do them\”

b) The False Comfort That Comes From Generalising Failure: There is a false comfort that comes from Generalising Failure, we say things like everybody is failing, this parenting thing only God can save us, this is a false comfort. Instead of you asking \”what can we do better \” or investing in learning how to do things. You need to stop Generalising failure because there is what you know that can exempt you. These mentalities are not just about parenting, this happens in life too.

c) The Entitlement Mentality: When you are entitled to your behavior, your mentality, you don\’t care, you believe that your children owe you, you believe that you can do anything you like but you forget that raising a child is not just about you but raising generations. Most parents who have this mentality often forget that they are accountable to a co-creator with whom they are creating this child because being a parent makes you a co-creator.

d. The Mediocre Mentality: This is the mindset of smallness, the mindset of whatever goes. Over the weekend I was speaking in a church. and I said to them that life is all about choices. The choice to raise a king is yours, the choice to raise a slave is also yours. Many of us end up raising mediocre because we think that it\’s all about us \”I will do it my way\”. When you don\’t understand what you do, you will be weary.

e. The Mindset of \”I don\’t need to learn\”: This is one of the big reasons why parents fail on their journey. They say things like \” I don\’t need to learn, I will only parent by the bible but they negate the part of the bible where it was mentioned that people perish for lack of knowledge (Hosea 4:6). So if you are really parenting after the bible you should be seeking knowledge.

Your child is a product of what you know, you cannot raise a child beyond the knowledge that you already have, your exposure is what is going to make or mar your child. The level of exposure my parents had is what I am building on for my children. So the question is \”What do you know\”? You cannot raise children beyond the knowledge that you have.

JOIN THE WAITLIST FOR THE INNER CIRCLE HERE

2. Trauma: The second reason that makes you fail on your parenting journey is trauma. On your experiencing neglect and abuse as a child, it has an impact on your adult quality of life and can be felt across board ( Physical health, emotional health, mental health, and in relationships) People who have experienced childhood trauma often have feelings of worry, shame, guilt helplessness, hopelessness, sadness, and anger. Many people who experienced trauma have \”Learn Helplessness\”. Trauma literally stops you.

On your mental health, surviving childhood trauma can be linked to higher rates of suicide, self-harm, post-traumatic stress disorder, drug and alcohol misuse, and even relationship difficulties. Regarding your physical health, children who experienced trauma and abuse have a heightened stress response which is why they will have issues with yelling and hitting. They have sleep difficulties, lower immune systems, and an increased number of physical illnesses.

3. You: The third reason why you are struggling as a parent is you. You are not failing because your children are bad or because they are a certain way. You are failing because of you because like I always share that parenting is about you and not your child. What you know either makes you win or fail. You are a product of what you know. What will determine your progress is what you know. Novices don\’t raise geniuses. You cannot influence a child beyond what you know.

4. Laziness: Laziness is also one of the reasons why there is a failure system in parenting. Many of the times when you enter the inner circle the first pledge we make you say is \”I have time to parent my children\” The moment you become a parent you choose to commit to whatever it is that needs to help that child.

JOIN THE WAITLIST FOR THE INNER CIRCLE HERE

Saying things like \” My children are still too small, I don\’t have time\” are indicators of laziness. Parenting is seedtime and harvest. You need to commit the time because without time you cannot shepherd anyone.
So you need to understand that you must pick it up yourself. There is no perfect time, the time is now. Your child is growing and the intriguing thing is that growth of noiseless.

DADDY IS DESTINY

Fathers Play one of the most important roles in their families unfortunately we are having more fathers absent either by being physically absent or lack of involvement. Research has found that the problem of absent fathers leads to higher divorce rates, destructive and negative changes in family structures, behavior problems in children, violence among teens, and moral decadence. However, over the years of working with parents, I have personally found like many other researchers that fathers are absent due to their own lost sense of identity and lack of clarity regarding their role as fathers meanwhile their role on being the major influence on their children\’s destiny leaves a vacuum.

Unfortunately also the modern culture is playing down on the fact that DADDY IS DESTINY yet research proves over and again that families with strong fatherhood systems fair better always. Don’t be lied to, Every child needs a father figure in his life to thrive not just survive. I believe that no child should be made to go through an upbringing without having a father figure support him or her because their destiny is dependent on it.

We understand these gaps, and that is why In the past 3 years we have consistently created a narrative to equip more fathers to do better and also celebrate fathers to understand their roles. TIP FATHERS CONFERENCE 2022 is coming with a difference. We have lined up fathers who are in the industry of fatherhood to teach other fathers and celebrate them as well. We won’t continue assuming that we know what to do, we have chosen to intentionally teach it.

No man should miss this conference. The Intentional Parent Academy and their partners have paid in full for this, so access is FREE for you. Use Link To Register and tag every man you know. See all details on Flier. https://bit.ly/TIPfathersconference2022

Remember the next generation\’s destiny is dependent on the Fathers .. join us and spread this message.

What does it mean for one to be traumatized without even knowing it, these are signs of childhood trauma you may not know about.

1. Trouble Making Eye Contact: Most people with complex trauma are uncomfortable with people they don’t know and sometimes even with those they know. You prefer to look away or look down instead of making eye contact. This is a sign of social anxiety and is usually common in people who were emotionally abused in early childhood
2. Bad Posture: Do you know that most people who suffered from emotional abuse in childhood hunch or bend over as a way to protect themselves? Yes, it comes from chronic shame. People who experience shame will bow their heads often, hunch their shoulders and lower their eyes. Think about it; these postures are mostly what we associate with shame.
3. Sadness: I am not talking about depression, I am talking about the pessimism view of life. People who suffered childhood trauma often submit to the “I don’t think it can work” view. They are very quick to take a negative approach to relationships… “I don’t like keeping friends, they will betray you”. The sadness is a kind of undercurrent that other areas of your life absorb.
4. Trouble Sleeping: Trauma brings anxiety most time. And many of the time people who are traumatized find it difficult to sleep and relax. When you wake them up they can’t go back to sleep. They are able to keep these under control during the day through the distractions of work and other activities but at night feelings and thoughts from the subconscious take over.
5. Lack of trust and dissatisfaction with relationships: Trust is built early in life and most people who are traumatized need up with an insecure attachment style and will have trouble sustaining a meaningful relationship over time. Childhood abuse causes an internalized negative view of relationships. Many times you go into a relationship where they will be doing a lot of the work – for more than their share. They try to “save” and in some cases, they end up in an abusive relationship oftentimes emotional abuse and control.
6. Perfectionism: This is another sign that you might be suffering from trauma. You overwork yourself, you strive to complete tasks perfectly and when anything goes wrong you blame yourselves for not being able to meet your own impossibly high standards. I have heard people say things like “I haven’t gone on leave in 5 years” and “I don’t have time to do any other thing, I am always working”. I have noticed that many people who drown themselves with work are fighting a trauma battle. They are struggling to prove a point without even knowing it.
7. People Pleasing: People with chronic trauma will often try to be accepted and loved by attempting to please others. They lack boundaries, they find it difficult to say No and most importantly they hate to hear NO also. They easily take too much responsibility.. and say things like “If I don’t do it, nobody will” “I don’t want to ask because I don’t want anyone to tell me, no, I will feel bad” and “I couldn’t say No to him, it would have looked somehow”.

Can you find yourself in any of these ? If Yes, You need to take your healing journey seriously. In healing from childhood trauma, you need to first reckon that you have been traumatized. The idea of re-parenting yourself may be weird but if your inner child is hurting then you need to heal like your life is dependent on it. Part of what we do in the Inner circle is re-parenting, you may think of yourself as a grown-up because you have reached a certain age but the truth is that many of us carry a wounded inner child but we don’t see it.

REGISTER FOR THE 2023 COHORT OF THE INNER CIRCLE HERE

What we do is that we cover up trauma by numbing our feelings and saying things like we turned out okay. What we don’t understand is that the inner child holds the key to our joy, freedom, and creativity and a wounded inner child cannot access these things son reparenting yourself is very needed. The truth of the matter is that trauma stops you completely and if you understand how much trauma stops you then you will take your healing process like your life is dependent on it. Personally, I have seen people who were stopped by trauma, a lot of adults are not thriving they are only striving.

Have you ever wondered why we have screwed creativity in this part of the world?

One of the best things that can happen to you is emotional healing. Your inner child will need you to acknowledge and process its painful experiences that is the only time it can come out and play the game of life. Emotional healing is a gift. The degree of childhood trauma differs from person to person, some people are traumatized and with a little help and coaching they heal but for others, they cannot move because trauma literally stops you. The inner child reflects the child we once were in both his and her positive aspects so both our unmet needs, suppressed childhood emotions, innocence creativity, and joy are still waiting within us. The inner child is often activated when you are faced with challenges that remind you of a traumatic memory.

The concept of the inner child is re-parenting, it is reparenting the inner child. It\’s about the rewiring of the neuron, your child self stays with you as part of your subconscious and it represents your childhood qualities and way of being so you can think of it as your sub-personality; one of the multiple dimensions of being human so until you consciously process and integrate the memories your child self will be calling the shots. The work to reparenting yourself isn\’t so much about the work back in time but the work within.

For now, you may think that you didn\’t have a traumatic childhood, your parents loved you, you had all your needs met and you had the best things in life, etc but here is the tricky part about trauma; your parents didn\’t need to do anything significantly wrong for you to be traumatized. Sometimes childhood trauma has roots in the most innocent-looking family dynamics. Trauma is generational.

How Do I Begin Reparenting Myself?
1. Acknowledge That You Need To Reparent Yourself: Reparenting yourself follows three principles: Connect, Communicate and Nurture. This is called childhood work. This is what therapy does.

When you hear the word trauma, it brings horrible things to mind but you don\’t have to through severe childhood abuses to be traumatized. The psyche of the child is so fragile that it can be affected by what seems like a minor event. In a child\’s view of the world, everything looks different and because children are fully dependent on their caregivers to meet their needs they may interpret minor negligence as enormous stress. Children can\’t recognize their limited perspective they believe everything they say, their interpretation of life instantly becomes their reality.

Can you find yourself in any of these ? If Yes, You need to take your healing journey seriously. In a few days, we will start another cohort of the healing from childhood trauma course for this year. This class only holds once a year, we are bringing two other professionals to join me and bring you the healing you deserve.

Dealing with childhood trauma is a complex but necessary process. Through therapy, you can overcome childhood trauma. You can raise happy and healthy families, be productive citizens, and have a fulfilling life.At the Healing From Parenting Hurt session, we will be helping you with the process, so you can take your life back again. We have helped almost 1,000 parents on their healing journey.

Are you hurting? Time doesn’t change anything, it’s what we do with the time that makes a change. Enroll today and start your healing journey. To register for the Healing from Childhood Trauma Course, pay #15,500 to 0509494057 (GT Bank). The Intentional Parent Academy and send proof of payment through WhatsApp chat to 08129687040. You can also register online here: https://selar.co/Healingcourse

https://anchor.fm/wendyologe/episodes/Episode-15–Healing-From-Childhood-Trauma-e1i7loc

On Monday the 16th of May, I was Invited to the Lagos State 2nd edition of the international boy\’s Day conference at the Statehouse as a keynote speaker where I also sat on a panel with different stakeholders to enlighten people on parenting.

One of the things that struck me during that conversation was what the Controller general of prisons, the deputy commissioner of the police and other stakeholders who are in the place of correctional services shared on how we are raising the boys. I was excited in that session when other stakeholders agreed that we can no longer do what works for us in parenting. Whatever works for you no longer works in parenting, there is a template for raising children who are different.

In my paper, I gave examples of two prominent families in the American system whose parenting made a huge difference in their generation, and their generation was studied. According to the research, the difference that was found gave credence to the fact that our problem is parenting. The problem we have in our generation today is how we are raising people. Society is a product of the family. Now the question is what are we doing?

Join the waitlist for our Inner Circle Program Here

We are not looking to raise people who are perfect; we are looking to raise people who can thrive. Parenting is not about perfection, parents need to be trained. The only way you can make a difference in your parenting is to be trained. We need to understand that when it comes to raising boys there is something that we must do.

Book a slot for the Inner Circle program HERE

5 MISTAKES PARENTS MAKE WHEN RAISING BOYS

1. MOTHERS EXPECT THEIR SONS TO THINK LIKE THEM
   This first mistake is made by mothers, as a mother, you need to realize that your boys will not think like you because boys think differently. Your son’s mind is wired differently from that of girls. This is why fathers will need to step up to the responsibility of raising boys because women are not wired like them. Boys need role models who they can look up to. Even as a single mother, you need to find male figures that can mentor your son. During the session on Monday, “the controller of prisons mentioned that majority of boys in the correctional center were boys raised by women” and it struck me. It’s been said over and again that the child who doesn’t have an involved father is more prone to prison than the one who does. This is why men need to stand up to their responsibilities.
   This is not only for raising boys; research has also shown that girls who are confident are girls who had involved fathers.
2. NOT TEACHING YOUR SONS BOUNDARIES AND RESPECT
   This is done by teaching them sex education, emotional control, and being explicit about consent. This is why a male role model is needed in a boy child’s life, the reason is simple there are conversations that a boy child will only be able to connect with when a male parent figure does the teaching. One of the reasons we are batting with rape cases and sexual consent is because men are not teaching it, this is not being modeled.
3. NOT ALLOWING YOUR BOYS TO DO DANGEROUS THINGS CAREFULLY.
   At the core of being a man is the ability to try out things, fail at them, and become more confident doing things. What parents of this century call suffering is normal responsibility. If your boys are going to thrive, they will need to try out things. You need to realize that the world does not revolve around your home. Do not overprotect your sons from the reality, your home is only a fraction of the world out there.
4. NOT ALLOWING YOUR SONS TO GO THROUGH THE CONSEQUENCES. A mother came to a school where her son sodomized another boy and was supposed to go on suspension, this mother came to the school begging that the boy’s father had beaten him mercilessly so therefore he shouldn’t go through the consequence for his action. Bailing out your sons starts with the little things like fighting for your sons in little things. This is not a curse but if you continue to bail out your son, you will continue forever even when they are a lot older. When you bail out your son you will end up raising a child who is irresponsible and can not take charge.
5. OVERINDULGING YOUR SONS:
   When you overindulge your sons you end up raising entitled children, they end up believing that acquisitions end to happiness and this sets them up to chasing the never-never satisfying chaos and this can lead to addictions and compulsions. When you overindulge your sons, you set them up to become irresponsible .

Dealing with childhood trauma is a complex but necessary process. Through therapy, you can overcome childhood trauma. You can raise happy and healthy families, be productive citizens, and have a fulfilling life.

At the Healing From Parenting Hurt session, we will be helping you with the process, so you can take your life back again. We have helped almost 1,000 parents on their healing journey.

Are you hurting? Time doesn’t change anything, it’s what we do with the time that makes a change. Enroll today and start your healing journey

To register for the Healing from Childhood Trauma Course, pay #15,500 to 0509494057 (GT Bank). The Intentional Parent Academy and send proof of payment through WhatsApp chat to 08129687040. You can also register online https://selar.co/Healingcourse

https://anchor.fm/wendyologe/episodes/Episode-15–Healing-From-Childhood-Trauma-e1i7loc

I have heard people Abuse people who can’t leave abusive relationships ,what many don’t know is how hard it can be when you are dealing with trauma. Our childhood experiences affect our behavior and personality into adulthood even if we are not aware of the existence of this connection. Sometimes we are not even aware we living out these traumas on our loved ones.

Do you think you had a traumatic upbringing?

One of my biggest goals is to get parents to understand how they are raised, understand what they are doing to their children and how it can affect who they become eventually.

Many parents do not know that they are hurting, it is through therapy that you are able to recognize that you are going through trauma. Traumatic experiences are a big deal because people don\’t know that they are traumatized. So many of us are still hurting from our childhood and we want to numb that feeling, many times we succeed in numbing it but unfortunately, the brain doesn\’t forget, the brain cannot delete. You cannot press delete on things that your brain has been able to internalize.

Trauma is a bastard, it can mess you up and mess your entire generation up. Most parents are victims so they end up victimizing their children. Have you ever heard that an abused person will move on to abuse other people except they get healed on the journey, the mindset that parents have concerning how they treat their children portrays a victim mindset?

We don\’t realize that we are passing on our childhood trauma to our children, over the years we have realized that a lot of parents are raising children without healing from their past. So they are angry with themselves, with their spouses, they are angry with the economic situation, angry with their parents so they continually play the victim card.

We don\’t remember the first 2 to 3 years of our lives or our earliest childhood experiences that we have, but those experiences stick and continually influence us even through adulthood.

Signs of Childhood Trauma.
1. Inability to say NO to hurtful people and set limits on hurtful behavior from others.
2. Inability to say NO to your own destructive impulses
3. Inability to hear NO from others and accept that.
4. Inability to delay gratification and accomplish tasks and goals.
5. Tendency to be attracted to irresponsible and hurtful people
6. Taking responsibility for other people\’s lives
7. Ability to be easily manipulated and controlled
8. Trying to fix people
9. Struggling with intimacy and maintaining closeness with others
10. Inability to trust anyone
11. Inability to be honest with people you are close with
12. Inability to confront others and resolve issues productively
13. Experiencing life as a victim instead of living it with a sense of purpose
14. Addictions and compulsions
15. Disorganization and lack of follow-through
16. Being too timid: Children who are overprotected can lead to low self-esteem because confidence comes from competence. You grow competence by doing things yourself and getting to the point where you assert yourself.

Understanding Parenting Attachment Theory.
1. Secure Attachment: How Children are to their parents governs whether they will be well adjusted in adulthood or not so a child who has secure attachment will develop well academically, socially, and mentally and are less likely to have issues with drugs and in marriage.

2. Avoidance Attachment: Children with this attachment style are uncomfortable with closeness and even into their adulthood they will have issues forming relationships. They have difficulties being close to people.

3. Anxious Attachment: Children who are raised with an anxious attachment will crave closeness and are insecure about relationships so as adults they become clingier.

4. Disorganized Attachment: This arises from fright without solutions, this form of attachment can arise from abuse, unresolved trauma, and loss. This results in individuals who are not able to make sense of their experiences, have difficulty expressing themselves, believing in themselves, and have issues with relationships. etc

When you hear childhood trauma, what comes to mind? People say time heals everything but that isn\’t true. Time only numbs the feeling.

Experiences In Childhood That Affects The Adult We Become:

1. Parentification: Parentification acts out as becoming parents to our parents without even knowing, getting your children to play the role of parents, acting as a confidant to your parents, providing emotional support to your parents, getting pulled into arguments between your parents, mediating conflicts between your parents, giving household responsibilities that are not age-appropriate, paying bills as a child, listening to your parents\’ woes, giving advice to your parents.

2. Lack of Boundaries: When you raise your children without boundaries you might be doing them a disservice.

3. Overparenting: When you micromanage your children because of fear, you will make them take wrong decisions and become over-reliant on others, and have high expectations of other people\’s roles in their lives. They find it difficult to make choices and they have low self-esteem.
4. Physical, emotional, and verbal abuse
5. Unsupportive parents
6. Attachment style

One of the things we must begin to do is to ask questions about what happened in our early years. Studies have shown that everything we do comes from our subconscious and the subconscious mind is built from zero to ten. Experiences through your childhood shape your perception and your understanding of critical moments of your life. So over time these experiences whether negative or positive destruct the neurodevelopment, they lead to social, emotional, and cognitive impairment and ultimately they result in adapting risky behaviors.

Dealing with childhood trauma is a complex but necessary process. Through therapy, you can overcome childhood trauma. You can raise happy and healthy families, be productive citizens, and have a fulfilling life. At the Healing From Parenting Hurt session, we will be helping you with the process, so you can take your life back again. We have helped almost 1,000 parents on their healing journey.

Are you hurting? Time doesn’t change anything, it’s what we do with time that makes a change. Enroll today and start your healing journey. To register for the Healing from Childhood Trauma Course, pay #15,500 to 0509494057 (GT Bank). The Intentional Parent Academy and send proof of payment through WhatsApp chat to 08129687040. You can also register online here: https://selar.co/Healingcourse

https://anchor.fm/wendyologe/episodes/Episode-15–Healing-From-Childhood-Trauma-e1i7loc

The age of 12 is a big transition age for children, at that age, they transition physically, mentally, and socially. If your child is not able to learn all they need to learn before they turn 13 they will struggle. Life gets bumpy for children because puberty comes in full swing and if they are not prepared, you the parent become frustrated and the child will struggle as a teenager. Life skills are learning to learn skills, these life skills are skills that can be developed intentionally and through everyday parenting.

In this blog post, we will share 12 skills that your child should have before they turn 12. You might not be ready to teach your child about life but life is not going to stop because you are not ready. Life doesn’t seek permission for readiness for exams; life gives you tests every minute of your life. You must understand that you will not be there for your child every minute of their lives because you are not babying children, you are raising adults. The moment you understand that you are raising your children for adulthood you will most likely rethink your parenting strategies.

Research has proven over and again that parenting, experiences, culture, and value systems are things that make a person. One of the questions we must ask is, do I really know what it takes to parent.”Novices do not raise geniuses. Many children go into the world unprepared for the reality of adulting, and it\’s been proven that children who do chores do better in life and are more successful in early adulthood.

12 SKILLS CHILDREN NEED TO KNOW BEFORE THEY TURN 12

1. BASIC HOUSE CHORES: Your 12-year-old must be able to do basic house chores, this is important because it\’s been proven that children who learn to do house chores as early as age 4 have higher self-esteem, high response-ability, better able to deal with frustrations and delay gratification. According to Matthew Rosemond involving children in chores as early as 3 years of age can have a positive impact later in life. The best predictor of young adult success is that they participate in household tasks as young as 4 years. The research also shows that the best results were gotten from the children who started to do these chores early. According to Harvard, children who do chores early are happier and have better mental health. The more responsible your child is, the more surge they have in their brain development because the brain needs to struggle to develop.

Part of what we teach in the Inner Circle is how to raise a child whose response-ability quotient is high, so we do this through daily activities, we also teach how to teach a system of honor and empathy.

REGISTER FOR THE INNER CIRCLE HERE

2. BASIC TRAVEL SKILLS: Part of our webinars in the inner circle program is teaching travel skills. I understand how sensitive and unsafe the times we live in are, but fearful parenting is not the way to go, knowledge-based parenting is the way to go. Are these insecurities ever going to go away? NO! Are our children going to need to survive? YES! Basic travel skills include that your child will be able to move from one place to another and trek a distance. Spatial awareness is part of safety education.

The ability to move from one location to another using public transportation is a crucial life skill. Introduce your child to travel routines in the following ways.
a. Teach them about landmarks. Let them understand that when being transported, one must be able to identify and remember locations by noting specific things at the locations (trees, buildings, road signs, etc).

b. Expose them to various means of transportation by first going along with them while to lead the way, and then going along the way while they lead the way (determine which type of means of transport to use and initiate the request, directions, and payment for them). Eventually, you can then allow them to take short trips on their own, and as you determine fit, allow them to make longer trips on their own like interstate and international travels

3. COOKING SKILLS: Cooking is very important. Part of our family values at home is that cooking is a life skill, not a gender role. I have come to realize that many parents don’t know the benefits of cooking maybe that’s why they don’t necessarily take out time to teach it. Working in the kitchen provides kids and teens opportunities to gain a sense of accomplishment. Even if the end result is not exactly what you expected, praise your kitchen helpers for their efforts.

4. TIME MANAGEMENT: The ability to manage time is an essential life skill and it can lead to productivity. First thing is to teach your child that time is limited and can be wasted. You also want them to understand that everyone has the same 24hours in a day, so it is the efficient use of that time that is important.

6. HIGH QUOTIENT FOR RESPONSE- ABILITY– This involves how to take initiative. You need to build a response-ability quotient

7. HOW TO REACT IN AN EMERGENCY: If something happens today, does your 12-year-old know how to react in that scenario?

8. How to understand what happens at the phases of DEATH, SEX, and BIRTH

9. How to take responsibility for Homework

10. How to start and sustain conversations: At the age of 12, your child should be able to start and sustain conversations, they should be able to have valuable conversations with an adult.

11. Teach Focus and Self Control: Teaching your child how to focus and have self-control comes from having schedules, structures, and strict routines.

12. PERSPECTIVE TAKING: We have a lot of adults who cannot take perspectives, they are not able to look at issues from the other person’s perspective. A lot of us were taught to be stereotyped.

INNER CIRCLE WAITING LIST

We are having an upward Fee Review this year but those who already booked slots for the inner circle program NOW won’t be affected. The current Annual Fee is $120 (N50,000)/annum for now but reviewed Fee would be more ( not concluded yet) Book here: https://selar.co/tipinnercircle (link accepts payment in any currency). The Booking Fee is $12 (N5,000) Only If you are more comfortable with direct transfers, we got you coveredYou can also make direct payment to our accounts

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As soon as you book you are sure of getting into the academy at the current fee. And also you are sure of getting in because, in reality, we can’t take everyone for 2023, we already have over 1,000 parents and another over 500 on the waitlist. Join our Inner Circle Waiting List for the 2023 Cohort here for updates: https://bit.ly/2023Waitinglist2. Please do not join if you don’t have plans to join this program for the next cohort.

So many times people have the notion that intentional parenting involves being permissive and not being disciplined with your child but this is where they get things wrong because at the heart of intentional parenting is discipline.

In fact, without being disciplined you cannot parent intentionally. Intentional parenting centers around discipline but the real question is “Do we even understand what discipline is”. Discipline is not only good for children but also essential for their health and well-being, discipline is as vital for health even as food is vital for health.

Without discipline, children lack the necessary tools to navigate love, relationships, and challenges in life and lack self-discipline so they do not have respect for themselves and others. Discipline is about putting systems in your parenting , when you do this there are troubles that you will never have.

So What Is Discipline?
Discipline is not about creating conflicts with your child or lashing out in anger when you do this you miss the essence of disciplining anyone. Discipline when done correctly is not about trying to control your child but showing them how to control their behaviors.

Discipline is not about controlling your child for doing something wrong, discipline is about setting clear parameters and consequences for breaking rules so they can learn how to discipline themselves. The aim of discipline is to be self-disciplined. When you teach discipline in the real sense of it you will not struggle but when you teach discipline in a haphazard sense you miss it.

Discipline is not screaming, beating, and yelling, discipline is teaching your children skills and getting them to practice them.

Discipline is structure, if you do not understand structure, systems, principles and routines you are not disciplined.

WHY YOUR DISCIPLINARY STRATEGY IS NOT WORKING?

1. You Do Not Understand Discipline:
2. You Do Not Understand Your Child: When you parent by assumption you do not understand that every human being is different. You need to be careful not to learn parenting from people who do not understand parenting. Intentional parenting follows a goal, unintentional parenting follows the crowd. During the “Understanding Your Child’s Learning Style Course, I taught parents that you do not discipline a kinesthetic learner the same way you discipline a visual learner. When you do this you are doing the one size fits all type of parenting. Do you understand who you are parenting?

3. You Think Yelling, Beating and Shaming Are Disciplinary Strategies: One of the reasons your disciplinary strategies are not working is because they are quick fixes. Parents who hit, tell, and threaten are lazy parents because intentional parenting takes a lot of thinking

4. You Are Always Yelling and They Are Not Learning: When you yell, you shut down the part of the brain that learns and your child cannot understand what you are saying. If there is something you want to do, it is to take out yelling and shouting from your parenting because it doesn’t serve you.

5. You Don’t Understand Strategies Used For A Child At Each Stage: Do you know that there are strategies you need at each stage of parenting, the way you raise infants is not the same way you raise toddlers or preteens. For my journey, my husband and I are always recreating our disciplinary strategies.

Start your journey into intentional parenting by joining our Inner Circle Program HERE

Effects Of Negative Discipline

1. They become Unhappy
2. They are deficient in important life skills.
3. They are more likely to engage in negative behavior that is harmful and potentially dangerous for themselves and others
4. They eventually become unhappy
5. They become willful, selfish, and generally unpleasant.
6. They will lack self-control and social skills

Effects Of The Discipline That Works

1. Your children are more responsible and they enjoy being good and helpful.
2. They are more self-confident
3. They are pleasant to be around
4. They have more self-control and self-sufficient
5. Their Social Skills is Top Notch
6. They know that they are accountable for their mistakes and misbehavior, so they are more likely to make good decisions because they want to not because they are afraid of their punishment.

Are you still thinking of joining the Yelling To Calm Challenge?It\’s just 2 days to this transformational journey.I guarantee this Challenge will change your life as a parent.

•If you are a parent that struggles with anger, you need this Challenge?

•If you have being Yelling at your children and actually get tired at some point you need to join this challenge.

•If you are looking for alternative ways to modify your child’s behaviour without shouting down everyone, you need this Challenge.

Join me for this challenge as I share with you how I walked through my own journey from being a yeller to a calm Parent.In this 5 days Challenge will give you a jumpstart on your journey to tame your temper.In 5 days, you WILL notice a change in how often you yell at your children.

ONLINE PAYMENT
https://Selar.co/Noyellingchallenge

OFFLINE PAYMENT
Pay N7,999 to 0509494057, GTBank, The intentional Payment Academy. After payment, send your full name, and proof of payment to WhatsApp 08129687040. If I can ditch yelling, you too can. Come let’s parent with Peace and Calm.

https://anchor.fm/wendyologe/episodes/Episode-14-Our-Top-Marriage-Secrets-Unveiled-e1hjdh5

The time to start sex educating your child is now. No child is too small for sex education. My book “Sex Educate your Child like a Pro” is a good tool for sex educating children, you can order a copy HERE.

The questions about sex education usually come as; where do I start from, what do I do and how do I go about this?

One thing about sex conversation is, that parents are going about it the wrong way. You talk about sex with your child but what is the content of what you discuss? What do they see you do? What do they hear you talk about? Our parenting system is dependent on how much knowledge we have as parents. What exactly do you know as a parent?

Parenting ignorance keeps growing and the resultant effect will scar both the child and the parent.

Spending time in parenting must be done. This is the price to be paid, and if as a parent you don’t give the time needed now, you must definitely pay it sometime in the future. It must be paid at some point in the future. It is advisable to pay this price when it doesn’t scar the child or the parent. Sex education begins with you, the parent. The bigger part is that parenting is about you. This sex education is best referred to as sex conversation because it is a continuous thing. This conversation begins with the parent. In the school of sex conversation, the faculty is you (the parent).

Our sexual attitudes are shaped by our parents, then by peer groups, social media, and teachers. Understanding your sexual personality as a parent is the first step toward sex conversation and this is because parenting is first about you. Sex conversation is bigger than pointing out the public and private parts. Many parents today are afraid of discussing sex with their children, but it is important to know that there is no vacuum in parenting. Whatever you are not teaching your child, someone or something is teaching your child. There are many factors determining how we have these conversations. Some parents are too embarrassed by sexual terms to use them and this inhibits sexual conversation in our parenting journey.

The first point of call is
A. Parenting is about you
• Acknowledge these fears: What are you afraid of? Sharing the conversations or the misconceptions that you have?
• The sex conversation between you and your child is first non-verbal. Your beliefs, and attitudes towards sex will affect how your children view these conversations.
• Do an honest review of your sex life and share the result with someone trusted or a professional as the case may be
• Forgive yourself and learn how to go about these conversations
• Get a family value
• Get a media plan for your family.
Characteristics of parent-child relationship have an impact on decision children makes as regards sex conversation. Parenting is a set of shared norms, beliefs, and practices that are institutionalized and also operate at a structured level. So as a parent, do you know who, how and what you are parenting

B. Understand your child: Your child’s level of openness, conscientiousness, planning over spontaneity, child’s emotional stability, your child’s temperament. Understand what to teach.
•Understand how to teach sex conversation at different levels or age brackets.
•Yelling and beating a child is not sex conversation.
•Have a working media plan. Bad parenting will scar the child and parents forever.
•Put a structure in your plans. It costs a lot more to repair and these scars can never be undone.
•Take lessons on discipline: There is no sex conversation without appropriate discipline. Discipline is not yelling, discipline is not beating. They need to understand discipline to be able to understand sex conversation.

RULES OF ENGAGEMENT IN SEX CONVERSATION.

1. Sex is deeply personal and a relational topic: Parents are not meant to tell their children if sex is good or bad. Share your experience of what sex is. This depends deeply on how you relate to your child. For this to be effective, you must develop a healthy relationship with your child. Have that connection with your child to be able to understand your conversation. One vital aspect of the relationship is the willingness to participate in the other person\’s world. your connection with your child determines how much they will want to learn from you and this builds trust. You cannot teach a child you are not connected with. Connection comes from spending time with your children. There is no sex conversation without trust. Trust is the currency in sex conversation. You get this by influence, not by force.

2. Having sex conversation is an act, not a science: Conversation gets more modified as age grows. Link conversation to character, spiritual truth, and understanding of who they are.

3. When asked a question, provide affirmation to ask more questions: Don’t shut them down. For instance, I am glad you asked and I know it’s a difficult thing to understand. It helps the child to open up and ask more questions. Get knowledge and inform rightly, because half-baked sex conversation is as dangerous as no sex conversation.

4. Address your misconceptions: Never tell a child all you know about sex conversation at the same time. It creates time for more connections later. If a child comes up with a question you cannot answer, don’t ever be scared of saying you don’t know.

5. Work on your emotions: Create an open environment for talking and listening. Do not react to everything your child does. Work on your ability to stay calm even in chaos.

6. Get more knowledge before your child moves to the next stage: Avoid parenting errors for responsibilities you failed to take. You are responsible for your child’s failure or success in this field. Get the knowledge your child needs for puberty, before your child is born, get the knowledge needed.

7. Ensure this conversation does not happen in a place where your child is uncomfortable.

8. Work on the dos instead of the donts: Teach the children how they can stay away from these and not just tell them not to engage. Remember, your child is first a sexual being. Assertiveness is part of sex conversation. We need to teach children to say no, which includes saying no to you as a parent. Refusal skill is part of sex conversation, tech conversation, and drug conversations are all sex conversations and these are non-touching sexual abuse and these are rampant today online where children get abused online. Create a system for those to influence your child to be available, and these parents need to create intentionally. Create a road map of who makes it to your child’s life journey.

9. Provide practical strategies for managing emotions and desires: You model to the child how to manage the skills they need. Teach them what to do and not what to do.

10.Build a connection with your child: Remove everything that will hinder your connectivity with your child, including our discipline pattern, time, and activities within the home. Yelling is a big killer of connectivity in parenting. A chronic yeller cannot have an effective sex conversation. This needs both parties to be conversing. It will be a conversation that requires feedback. Always parent from the place of connection. Spending time is a big factor and then connecting from the place of knowledge is another big factor. Parenting is not about tips and hacks, parenting is about the process. The process comes from the place of knowledge.

I WANT TO GIVE YOU THIS BOOK FOR FREE!!

In order to deal with misbehavior effectively, you must first understand why your child misbehaves. You owe it to your child.

When you see a child misbehaving, what comes to mind? For most people, they say things like ‘This child is trying me.’ This is not peculiar to anyone in particular. Every parent thinks that a child is trying them.To get a Free Copy, download it with link below.

https://selar.co/whydochildrenmisbehaveebook

Are you still thinking of joining the Yelling To Calm Challenge?

200+ Parents ARE ALREADY IN

Many parents desire to become calm parents but they are not willing to work through the ropes …. All they do are wishes …

They prefer the blame game , either blaming their parents who patterned them that way or blaming their children whom they are parenting .They fail to understand that parenting with calm is their responsibility.

Come 2nd of May, 2022, we will be taking these parents On a journey on working on their emotions and loving a better parenting life . Have you registered to join them? Stop wishing and get to work .

ONLINE PAYMENT
https://Selar.co/Noyellingchallenge

OFFLINE PAYMENT
To Join the No Yelling Challenge, Pay N6,999 to 0509494057, GTBank, The Intentional Parent Academy. After payment, send your full name, and proof of payment to WhatsApp 08129687040

I will show you how I got here to parent with peace and calm at that challenge; you too can .

Yelling is a big deal in our clime, in fact it is everywhere globally. Yelling is known to be passed from parents to offspring\’s. Once you are yelled at as a child, automatically you pick up yelling and your children pick it up too and the cycle continues. Growing up, my parents never yelled and we listened to them more than the yelling parents.

Some parents believe their children do not listen except you yell at them. This is a bad narrative sold to us that is completely wrong. The more you yell, the more your child resists what you are teaching.

Yelling has other side effect both on the yelling parent and the yelled child. The bad effect to the yelling parent as :high blood pressure, artery pain, anxiety, heart attack, anger issue and a lot more on this list. My best selling book ‘from yelling to calm’ is my journey from being a yeller to a calm parent.

You can order a copy of from yelling to calm here

Yelling also has its negative effects on our children; we bring up children who are timid, children without great self esteem, the inability to stand up to an adult whether the adult is wrong or not. Most of us were instructed not to question an adult, even when the adults seem to be wrong. One of the greatest gift we can give to our children is the ability to question our actions. Yelling affects the self esteem of our children, both at home and outside, children who cannot speak up. We raise children who cannot stand up for themselves.

This low self esteem eventually follows then through out their growth process, till adulthood. However you program your child, that\’s how your child will grow. The ability of a child to stand up and say that s/he is not okay with the abuse being melted on him/her is as a result of how their parents trained them. Our training as parents will help instill confidence in our children and enable them to speak up and leave an abusive environments.

The ability to think was shut down for most of us when were growing up. Not yelling at your child does not mean permissive parenting. It only means that you can parent in a more effective way apart from yelling. One of the reasons I am actively fighting the way we were raised is that, we are intentionally and unintentionally transferring this to our children. Training is beyond yelling and beating a child. Training requires that you do the job of discipline which requires you to build a structure.

The five basic things you can do to grab your child\’s attention without yelling and :

1. Take the opposite tone: The harder your child’s voice becomes, the softer the tone we respond with. With this, You are teaching your child how he is supposed to be. Model the kind of conversational skill you want them to emulate. With this, the child learns by your behavior because children learn better by what you model to them. The book “from yelling to calm” shows that the angry person needs the most kind words. This helps us to take the opposite tone and the next person backs down. Soft words turns away wrath.
2. Calm repetition: Most times, we demand that when we speak, the child picks it instantly. But we need to implement the calm approach, which is quietly repeating what you said to the child. Repeating the same phrase as much as it needs to be. You need to make an impression for anybody to internalize a message.
   For anyone to learn and internalize a message, you need to make an impression, and for you to make an impression, it comes from repetition. Calm repetition can be a great tool to learn instead of yelling. When calm repetition is practised, the child will know how serious you are. Always remember that whatever you sow in your children, that is what you reap. In parenting there is seed time and harvest. There is no time frame to the harvest. So start now to sow the right seed required.
3. Ask questions: Instead of yelling, ask questions. When there is room for negotiation, certain phrases can turn to arguments but turned into a healthy conversation. Create a room for the child to negotiate. Use simple short calm repetitive phrases, and allow children throw in their ideas or opinion. Ask questions in short phrases to enable some kids, kinesthetic children in particular to negotiate. When you don’t have time to negotiate, ask questions.
4. Be positive and clear: Being clear and direct about what you require is important. When giving direction or instruction, be specific and direct. Once you yell, your child picks self defense mechanism. Instead of connecting, your child is thinking of defence. And at this time, the ability to listen is taken away from the child instantly. Some children do not hear whatever you say at the point of yelling at them. The brain looks for a way to escape from the present situation. The brain works to preserve the human being, therefore it doesn’t comprehend yelling. For instant, use your child’s name while giving instructions and it gets the child’s attention. Be more apt and specific when directing instructions. An upset child is not a listening child.
5. Make it fun: Sometimes you just need to diffuse the intensity of the instruction. You get your child in the position where they are able to connect. You bring in fun into the activities of the moment and this helps the child connect. Yelling is like a fire alarm. We have a Yellometer, used from ages appropriate. It alerts you the parent when raised from 7-8, when it becomes dangerous. When raising your voice becomes dangerous, it acts as a fire alarm. If you are constantly yelling, it simply means you are raising an alarm consistently. The no yelling challenge has helped a lot of parents break free from yelling
6. Take a break: If it feels like one of the two parties is loosing control, call a break. This is also helpful with couples, friends…call a break when it gets overboard. Self reflection is a great skill, which can also be modeled to a child. Give that time out if the conversation is going to make a mess of your head. Teach your children conversational self control by modeling it to the child. Discipline is not meant for the public places, this shows that as a parent, you don’t need to discipline your child in the public. Disciplining a child in the public is actually embarrassing the child and not to discipline the child. Disciplining a child in the public means you need to validate that you are a good parent. You do not need people to validate your parenting if you are doing what is right. Your child can be corrected properly by not making it an emergency. When you make it an emergency, you will not think through your process and you will do things you will eventually regret. It takes emotional muscle to parent calmly. Aggression does not solve the problem.

We are launching the NO YELLING CHALLENGE this year again. Fee is N15,500 , but instead of N15,500, You get to Pay N5,999 only to be part of this challenge.

This is like paying practically nothing to get access to this challenge , Want this offer?

ONLINE PAYMENT
https://Selar.co/Noyellingchallenge

OFFLINE PAYMENT
Pay N5,999 to 0509494057, GTBank, The Intentional Parent Academy. After payment, send your full name, and proof of payment to WhatsApp +234 812 968 7040. I will show you how I got here to parent with peace and calm at that challenge; you too can .

https://anchor.fm/wendyologe/episodes/Episode-13-The-Journey-To-Version-3-7-e1gatjd