Sometimes, I hear parents tell me what they plan to do for their children to attain academic success, and the things I hear are usually negative. This blog post will reveal to you the things you would never do and the things you should begin to do to position your child for academic success.

Things You Should not be Doing as You Prepare Your Child for Academic Success

1. Overemphasis on perfection: many times, when we talk about what we want for our children academically, we go with the expectation that we want our children to be the trophy children. In the mind of many parents, every one of their children is a trophy child, and so they want to make their children into trophy children. This is the reason for parents pushing pressure when they do things like paying for exams or “miracle centres.” It also serves the ego of the parent when parents brag about the performance of their children in their exams. This will never help a child plus that’s a wrong way to motivate children to excel academically. Doing this means that you are pushing the perfection narrative, thereby creating unnecessary stress while also hindering the confidence that the child should have. There is increased anxiety, there is increased fear of failure. One of the advantages you can give to your child as a parent is to have expectations from your child. Yes because it has been proven that children with high parental expectations perform better. Nonetheless, the problem we have is being able to balance the expectations so that it’s without pressure. You can have high expectations as a parent without creating those undue pressures that could kill the child. Note that it is a parenting advantage to create high expectations for your children and communicate with them; however, you must ensure that your expectation is communicating the right thing. One of the problems is that you create expectations but you have no system put in place for your child to achieve it. I’m not referring to the system of extramural lessons but the skills that you have impacted the child. While expectations are great, overemphasis on perfection will make it ineffective. Expectations are not about perfection, nor about progress, but about process. Encourage your children to advance and grow at their own pace. When we set expectations, we offer our children the opportunity to meet challenges with confidence. Apart from these, all you’ll be doing is putting undue pressure on the child. I am not saying that you should not have expectations of your children. If you don’t, you will make a mess of the process. Parental expectations are one of the most important things your child needs to succeed in school. Choosing perfection can often cloud the joy of learning.
2. Neglecting emotional and social needs. Ignoring the social and emotional needs of your child can affect their academic success. Some parents find that their child, who had been an A-grade child in primary school, gets to secondary and begins to struggle. The first question I ask is, “How old is the child?” This is because there is a lot of pressure that comes to underage children in school. It is an act of wickedness to take a child who is underage into a class they are not supposed to be in. They may not even struggle academically, but they have real emotional pressures. Some of these children end up withdrawing or they lack motivation.
3. Inconsistent routines and expectations. Once you have inconsistent routines, don’t expect academic success. Many times, when school resumes, parents tend to take away the children’s chores and other routines at home because of the academic workload. You must understand, however, that consistency is the bedrock of academic success. You don’t need to be smart-headed to make a first class. All you need is structures and routines. This is so because a structured environment fosters growth. An inconsistent routine leads to disorganisation and missed opportunities. It’s also the reason you yell in the morning – inconsistent routines and inconsistent expectations. Children thrive in predictability, not inconsistency. I say that unpredictability is the enemy of parenting – it causes chaos.
4. Overloading extracurricular activities. Excessive after-school activities lead to a child being burnt out and can impact negatively on their academic process. You don’t need extra lessons for your child to excel. Some skills need to be built into the child that will make that happen. Overloading the child will make them lack important skills like social skills which they need to make money later in life. It causes stress, fatigue and decreased focus on even the school activities.

What do you do

1. Set clear expectations and goals. Remember that expectations are an important part of your journey, and ensure you communicate these expectations. Don’t just stay and assume that your children know your expectations. Sit down and outline these expectations – study habits, time management, what to learn and so on. Our parents had expectations of us, and that was brilliant, but, the problem was communication of the expectations. It wasn’t there.
2. Foster strong communication skills. Ensure you have a relationship with the teachers and that your children have an open system of dialogue with you. Until you start asking your child the right questions, their performance might remain where it is. Get involved in your child’s school activities in different ways.
3. Teach study skills. Beginning with maths skills, your children need to learn to do well in maths and become great problem solvers; we have time management, mental arithmetic, numeracy skills, quantitative reasoning and critical thinking skills. Instead of giving children more maths to solve, your question should be, “How do I improve maths skills?” focus on the core concepts of mathematical skills and logical reasoning. Introduce your children to study skills no matter their age. Improve the study system of your child and your child will improve – in every area. Instead of working for your child to improve, work with them. Teach them how to break big tasks into smaller tasks and how to get things done without being overwhelmed. Desist from scaffolding your child. Teach them the right skills to thrive in the world. We are no longer in the industrial era where school certificate is everything, we are now in the knowledge era. Therefore you need to understand how to revolutionise your child’s schooling to align with the era we are in. If not, your child will struggle.

Join the back to school masterclass 4.0 as we delve deeper into these topics. You’d learn how to choose your child’s school, how to build their study skills and so much more.

BACK TO SCHOOL MASTERCLASS IS HERE!!!

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Oh Yes! Here are benefits attached: 1. Free New Parent-Teacher Guide ( Worth #2,000) 2. Free Parent-Teacher Master Class- Reviewed (worth #10,000) 3. The complete Back to School Bundle ( worth #10,000). And that’s not all. You don’t want to miss our: • BACK TO SCHOOL AFFIRMATION PACK • PARENT SCHOOL SUPPORT TEMPLATE • SCHOOL ROUTINE PLANNER • MEAL PLANNER and More what are you waiting for? REGISTER NOW To enjoy BACK to SCHOOL packages:

How To Register: PAY #6,999($7) to 0509494057 (GT BANK), THE INTENTIONAL PARENT ACADEMY. Make sure you send proof of payment via whatsapp to +234 703 639 3160 or 0903 663 3600 Or Complete registration online using this link https://theintentionalparentacademy.selar.co/BacktoSchool2024Why This Bundle? This bundle is more than just a set of tools—it’s your roadmap to a well-organized, stress-free, and successful school year. Whether you’re preparing your child for their first day of school, transitioning to boarding school, or simply looking to streamline your daily routines, this bundle has you covered.

Traumatic experiences happen to more people than we can ever imagine. The problem is that, most people don’t even understand what is happening to them, while a greater number tends to shy away from having this conversation.

Numbing your feelings will not end the traumatic experiences you had. Work on yourself. Deal with your trauma before it destroys you. To do these, you will have to identify the signs of trauma first. In today’s blogpost I will be sharing with you some traumatic signs you should look out for and how you can begin to heal.

When discussing trauma, many of us may not recognize that we carry its burden. There’s often a reluctance to speak ill of our parents, as we attribute their actions to good intentions. But how can we identify childhood trauma? Here are the signs:

1. Bad posture: Many of us slump or hunch over when sitting down. This posture, often associated with shame, is a protective stance. Chronic shame, experienced during childhood, can manifest in these physical mannerisms. If you notice a child consistently slouching, lowering their shoulders and eyes, it may indicate underlying shame. In past decades, shame was frequently used as a disciplinary tool in parenting. Bedwetting, for instance, was misunderstood, leading to unjustified shame. Adults who appear shy may actually be shielding themselves from feelings of shame. Despite its prevalence, childhood trauma is often overlooked, leading to shutdowns in discussions.

If you grew up in the 80s or 90s, consider attending a healing class, as unresolved issues from that era may still affect you. Trauma isn’t just about what happened; it’s also about what should have happened but didn’t. Many of us were prematurely burdened with adult responsibilities.

2. People-pleasing: Those with chronic trauma often seek acceptance and love by constantly trying to please others. They struggle with setting boundaries and find it hard to say no, and rejection is particularly difficult for them to handle. Many people struggle to decline unnecessary requests, feeling pressured to meet expectations, especially during personal or familial celebrations. While these gestures may seem positive, the underlying motivation can be traced back to trauma responses.

3. Hyper vigilance: Children who have experienced trauma may exhibit hypervigilance, constantly scanning their surroundings for potential threats even in safe environments. Overprotective parenting, stemming from the parents’ unresolved trauma, is common. This can manifest in a reluctance to let children play outside or venture out unaccompanied. Exaggerated startle responses, difficulty relaxing, and restless behavior are all indicators of unresolved trauma. Overparenting, often mistaken for love, can lead to entitlement issues in children. Sacrifice is an essential aspect of parenting, but it shouldn’t be equated with suffering. Learning to prioritize and sacrifice effectively is key to healthy parenting.

4. Dissociation is a coping mechanism where children disconnect from traumatic experiences. This can manifest in various ways, such as feeling detached from oneself or the world, experiencing numbness or memory lapses, or merely observing life without actively engaging in it. It’s essential to address any numbness or detachment towards the caregivers, as unresolved issues can impact future generations.

5. Self-sabotage: Those who have experienced trauma often harbor negative self-beliefs and engage in self-destructive behaviors. These behaviors may include substance abuse, unhealthy eating habits, difficulty in achieving goals, sabotaging relationships, and engaging in risky behaviors. Harsh self-criticism and an inability to extend grace to oneself are common traits. It’s crucial to recognize these patterns and seek healing to break the cycle of self-sabotage.

6. Perfectionism: Perfectionism is another common sign of childhood trauma. The relentless pursuit of flawlessness, coupled with self-blame for any perceived failures, can hinder personal growth and parenting effectiveness. Embracing imperfection is essential for both personal well-being and effective parenting.

7. Avoidance of emotional intimacy: Childhood trauma can also manifest as an avoidance of emotional intimacy, making it challenging to form deep connections with others. Addressing unresolved issues with parental figures is crucial for achieving emotional intimacy in adulthood.

8. Difficulty with emotional regulation: Children who have experienced trauma often struggle with regulating their emotions, leading to mood swings, intense emotions, and difficulty expressing or suppressing emotions. Seeking healing and accountability are essential steps in overcoming these challenges.

To embark on a journey of healing, consider enrolling in a trauma-focused program or seeking therapy. By addressing childhood trauma, not only will you experience personal growth and healing, but you’ll also create a more nurturing environment for future generations.

We opened up registration at the Academy “Healing From Parenting Hurt” to help you get over these hurts for the sake of your children. We have an offer you can cash in on NOW! Yes a 50% Discount from original Fee of #30,500 ($23) 

So you get to Pay #15,500 instead of #30,500

We must become better for our children. Dealing with childhood trauma is a complex but necessary process. Through therapy, you can overcome childhood trauma. You can raise happy and healthy families, be productive citizens, and have a fulfilling life.

At the Healing From Parenting Hurt session, we will be helping you with the process, so you can take your life back again. We have helped almost 5,000 parents on their healing journey. 

Are you hurting? Time doesn’t change anything, it’s what we do with time that makes a change. Enrol today and start your healing journey 

To register for the Healing from Childhood Trauma Course, pay #15,500 to 0509494057 (GT Bank). The Intentional Parent Academy and send proof of payment through WhatsApp chat to 0903 663 3600

You can also register online here: https://selar.co/Healingcourse

Does your child’s behavior leave you feeling like you’re constantly running kiti kiti, kata kata?

You’re not alone. Many parents struggle with challenging behaviors. But before you resort to yelling, and punishment, take a deep breath and consider this: there might be a reason behind those outbursts.

This blog post dives into the root causes of difficult behaviors in children, and equips you with 5 effective parenting strategies to navigate these situations calmly and constructively. Let’s move from feeling overwhelmed to feeling empowered in your parenting journey!

Often, we discuss children’s misbehavior without delving into its root causes. Let’s categorize these causes into three factors:

1 . Developmental Factors: Unmet developmental needs can lead to misbehavior. Children act out when essential needs like autonomy, competence, and social skills aren’t fulfilled. A common example is lacking social skills. When a child misses out on learning expected behaviors, it can lead to challenges. For instance, if a child should be able to bathe independently but is not given the opportunity, it can create difficulties for both the child and the parent. This sets off a chain reaction of struggles within the household. Another critical factor is brain development. Immature brain development can result in impulsive and emotionally driven behavior, especially in younger children who struggle with regulating their emotions. It’s a misconception that children should naturally know how to regulate their emotions; it’s a skill that needs to be taught. Parents play a crucial role in this by understanding normal child development. For example, tantrums are a normal part of childhood, but it’s essential for parents to address them appropriately. Failure to do so can result in adults who struggle to manage their emotions. To raise emotionally resilient children, parents must first equip themselves with the necessary knowledge and skills.

2. Environmental Factors:

• Family Dynamics: Many parents overlook understanding their family dynamics, often resulting in comparisons with other families and children. This can trigger rebellion in children, leading to conflicts, stress, and instability within the family environment, which in turn can impact a child’s behavior. Environmental factors within the family also encompass divorce, single parenting, family trauma, and inconsistent family practices.

• Your Influence: You are the most significant influence on your child’s environment. The environment you create for your child goes beyond mere values. The outcome of a child’s development is shaped by who raised them, how they were raised, where they were raised, and the knowledge of those who raised them. Your ignorance can affect your child’s behavior positively or negatively. It’s crucial to reflect on whether your environment causes trauma for your child. Often, unnecessary drama stemming from past generations’ parenting traumas influences current parenting styles. There is a pressing need to redefine parenting for the well-being of our children. Our Inner Circle program is dedicated to this process of remodeling parenting, running throughout the year.

• Peer Influence: Negative peer relationships and experiences of bullying can lead to challenging behaviors, as children often mimic behaviors observed in their peers. Peer influence constitutes another significant environmental factor. That’s why our inner circle offers a course titled “Creating a Social Road Map for Your Gen Z Child,” addressing the importance of navigating peer relationships effectively.Book a slot for the inner circle here

3. Emotional and Psychological Factors:

• Regulation Challenges: Children who struggle with regulating their emotions may exhibit outbursts, aggression, and withdrawal as coping mechanisms for overwhelming feelings.
• Underlying Mental Health Disorders: Undiagnosed mental health disorders can contribute to behavioral issues in children.
• Learning and Communication Challenges: Children with learning disabilities may become frustrated and act out due to difficulties in understanding and completing tasks in academic settings. Limited verbal and social communication skills can also lead to frustration and behavioral issues. Communication plays a crucial role here; many resort to yelling due to a lack of effective communication skills. This inability to communicate assertively can lead to a loss of control. For instance, toddlers, unable to express themselves with words, resort to tantrums. It’s important to recognize that effective communication is essential in parenting and managing behavior.
• Trauma and Adverse Experiences: Children who have experienced trauma, abuse, neglect, or adverse experiences may exhibit behavioral issues as a result. Trauma-informed approaches are necessary to support these children. It’s essential for caregivers to understand trauma and address their own trauma as well. Sometimes, the trauma our children experience stems from our own past experiences. Notably, individuals raised without aggression are less likely to exhibit aggressive behaviors.
• Biological Factors: Some children may be genetically predisposed to certain behaviors. Understanding this aspect can facilitate dealing with misbehaviors more effectively.

Effective Parenting Strategies to use include: 

1.   Build your calm – This is the reason for our No Yelling Challenge in the academy. You need consistency in building your calm. Changing your children starts by changing you. 

2.   Learn positive communication – Foster open and positive communication. 

3.   Collaborative problem solving – Involve your child in finding solutions. Don’t just solve your problems alone. Encourage them to brainstorm ideas. When you collaborate in problem solving, it promotes a sense of empowerment and responsibility in your child. It can also lead to learning important skills such as negotiation and compromising which can help prevent future difficult behaviours. 

4.   Emotional regulation techniques – Teach your children how to manage their emotions. Teach your child techniques for handling their emotions. 

5.   Be consistent and predictable. Unpredictability is the enemy of parenting. Establish clear and consistent routines in your home. Consistency provides stability and it helps your child to know what to expect. It reduces anxiety, confusion, confrontation, commotion and chaos which contributes to difficult behaviours. You must do all these with calm. 

Understand that your child is being raised whether you are doing it or not. So you need to put in the time to raise them the right way. 

Yelling has negative effects on your child .. see slides to learn more … Anger and Yelling are the biggest frustrations of parents.

If you know my journey, you will know that parenting with peace and calm is possible.

I was that chronic Yeller who worked so hard to achieve calmness as a parent. I didn’t stop with myself I’ve worked with over 10,000 parents to let go of their anger and build deep, connected relationships with their children and spouses.

After authoring over 10 parenting best sellers; Connect To Correct, Walking your Child through Puberty , The Discipline That Works, Sex educate like a pro volume one and two , parenting launch plan , How to Love your child more , Raising an independent thinking child , From Yelling to Calm and Resolving Sibling Rivalry and 18 other guides that have sold in their tens of thousands; Parents have asked I put together tools and strategies that can help one move you from Yelling to Calm.

Yes, here we go I’m offering you a 5 – day accountability challenge, where I guide and give you strategies that will take you from yelling to Calm.

I guarantee this Challenge will change your life as a parent:
• If you are a parent that struggles with anger, you need this Challenge?
• If you have being Yelling at your children and actually get tired at some point you need to join this challenge
• If you are looking for alternative ways to modify your child’s behaviour without shouting down everyone, you need this Challenge.

Join me for this challenge as I share with you how I walked through my own journey from being a yeller to a calm Parent.In this 5 days Challenge will give you a jumpstart on your journey to tame your temper.

This first second early bird registration ends in few hours after that it rises to N8,999

To register for the No Yelling Challenge, simply click here:
https://theintentionalparentacademy.selar.co/NoYellingChallenge

Or pay N6,999 to 0509494057 (GTB). The Intentional Parent Academy. Share proof to +234903 663 3600.

If I can ditch yelling, you too can.

Come let’s parent with Peace and Calm

Yelling is a big deal in our clime, in fact it is everywhere globally. Yelling is known to be passed from parents to offspring\’s. Once you are yelled at as a child, automatically you pick up yelling and your children pick it up too and the cycle continues. Growing up, my parents never yelled and we listened to them more than the yelling parents.

Some parents believe their children do not listen except you yell at them. This is a bad narrative sold to us that is completely wrong. The more you yell, the more your child resists what you are teaching.

Yelling has other side effect both on the yelling parent and the yelled child. The bad effect to the yelling parent as :high blood pressure, artery pain, anxiety, heart attack, anger issue and a lot more on this list. My best selling book ‘from yelling to calm’ is my journey from being a yeller to a calm parent.

You can order a copy of from yelling to calm here

Yelling also has its negative effects on our children; we bring up children who are timid, children without great self esteem, the inability to stand up to an adult whether the adult is wrong or not. Most of us were instructed not to question an adult, even when the adults seem to be wrong. One of the greatest gift we can give to our children is the ability to question our actions. Yelling affects the self esteem of our children, both at home and outside, children who cannot speak up. We raise children who cannot stand up for themselves.

This low self esteem eventually follows then through out their growth process, till adulthood. However you program your child, that\’s how your child will grow. The ability of a child to stand up and say that s/he is not okay with the abuse being melted on him/her is as a result of how their parents trained them. Our training as parents will help instill confidence in our children and enable them to speak up and leave an abusive environments.

The ability to think was shut down for most of us when were growing up. Not yelling at your child does not mean permissive parenting. It only means that you can parent in a more effective way apart from yelling. One of the reasons I am actively fighting the way we were raised is that, we are intentionally and unintentionally transferring this to our children. Training is beyond yelling and beating a child. Training requires that you do the job of discipline which requires you to build a structure.

The five basic things you can do to grab your child\’s attention without yelling and :

1. Take the opposite tone: The harder your child’s voice becomes, the softer the tone we respond with. With this, You are teaching your child how he is supposed to be. Model the kind of conversational skill you want them to emulate. With this, the child learns by your behavior because children learn better by what you model to them. The book “from yelling to calm” shows that the angry person needs the most kind words. This helps us to take the opposite tone and the next person backs down. Soft words turns away wrath.
2. Calm repetition: Most times, we demand that when we speak, the child picks it instantly. But we need to implement the calm approach, which is quietly repeating what you said to the child. Repeating the same phrase as much as it needs to be. You need to make an impression for anybody to internalize a message.
   For anyone to learn and internalize a message, you need to make an impression, and for you to make an impression, it comes from repetition. Calm repetition can be a great tool to learn instead of yelling. When calm repetition is practised, the child will know how serious you are. Always remember that whatever you sow in your children, that is what you reap. In parenting there is seed time and harvest. There is no time frame to the harvest. So start now to sow the right seed required.
3. Ask questions: Instead of yelling, ask questions. When there is room for negotiation, certain phrases can turn to arguments but turned into a healthy conversation. Create a room for the child to negotiate. Use simple short calm repetitive phrases, and allow children throw in their ideas or opinion. Ask questions in short phrases to enable some kids, kinesthetic children in particular to negotiate. When you don’t have time to negotiate, ask questions.
4. Be positive and clear: Being clear and direct about what you require is important. When giving direction or instruction, be specific and direct. Once you yell, your child picks self defense mechanism. Instead of connecting, your child is thinking of defence. And at this time, the ability to listen is taken away from the child instantly. Some children do not hear whatever you say at the point of yelling at them. The brain looks for a way to escape from the present situation. The brain works to preserve the human being, therefore it doesn’t comprehend yelling. For instant, use your child’s name while giving instructions and it gets the child’s attention. Be more apt and specific when directing instructions. An upset child is not a listening child.
5. Make it fun: Sometimes you just need to diffuse the intensity of the instruction. You get your child in the position where they are able to connect. You bring in fun into the activities of the moment and this helps the child connect. Yelling is like a fire alarm. We have a Yellometer, used from ages appropriate. It alerts you the parent when raised from 7-8, when it becomes dangerous. When raising your voice becomes dangerous, it acts as a fire alarm. If you are constantly yelling, it simply means you are raising an alarm consistently. The no yelling challenge has helped a lot of parents break free from yelling
6. Take a break: If it feels like one of the two parties is loosing control, call a break. This is also helpful with couples, friends…call a break when it gets overboard. Self reflection is a great skill, which can also be modeled to a child. Give that time out if the conversation is going to make a mess of your head. Teach your children conversational self control by modeling it to the child. Discipline is not meant for the public places, this shows that as a parent, you don’t need to discipline your child in the public. Disciplining a child in the public is actually embarrassing the child and not to discipline the child. Disciplining a child in the public means you need to validate that you are a good parent. You do not need people to validate your parenting if you are doing what is right. Your child can be corrected properly by not making it an emergency. When you make it an emergency, you will not think through your process and you will do things you will eventually regret. It takes emotional muscle to parent calmly. Aggression does not solve the problem.

We are launching the NO YELLING CHALLENGE this year again. Fee is N15,500 , but instead of N15,500, You get to Pay N5,999 only to be part of this challenge.

This is like paying practically nothing to get access to this challenge , Want this offer?

ONLINE PAYMENT
https://Selar.co/Noyellingchallenge

OFFLINE PAYMENT
Pay N5,999 to 0509494057, GTBank, The Intentional Parent Academy. After payment, send your full name, and proof of payment to WhatsApp +234 812 968 7040. I will show you how I got here to parent with peace and calm at that challenge; you too can .

https://anchor.fm/wendyologe/episodes/Episode-13-The-Journey-To-Version-3-7-e1gatjd