In your journey of parenting in 2024, becoming emotionally intelligence will be important in your child’s holistic development. An emotionally intelligent parent not only equips their child with the ability to navigate life’s challenges but also contributes to their social success, impulse control, and overall resilience. As we navigate parenting this year, you will need to be mindful of the profound impact our actions have on shaping the emotional intelligence of the next generation. In this blog post, I will be sharing 5 things emotionally intelligent parents won’t do in 2024

Advantages of Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child.

1. More ready to engage: An emotionally intelligent child is ever ready to engage in school activities. He/she is ready to confront whatever situation he finds himself. The child gets involved in things they do and in general.

2. More socially successful: I’ve seen quite a number of parents raise kids who can navigate in the social world. There’s a study that says that children who can navigate their social world in the next 30 years, will have an 80% advantage over their peers.

3. They have impulse control: What many parents do not understand is that impulse control is one of the reasons why children misbehave.

A lot of kids can’t control their impulses because they don’t know what else to do. When you raise a child who understands emotional intelligence, you’ll find out that the child can control those impulses. If you don’t teach the child to do so, he’ll continue to do things anyhow.

Emotionally intelligent children are a product of emotionally intelligent parents. Emotional intelligent skills don’t naturally come upon you but from what you learn. By skills, I mean doing certain things that make your child feel safe enough to express their emotions. When a parent is emotionally intelligent, it’s automatically transferred to the children.

Here are Things Emotionally Intelligent Parents Won’t do in 2024

1. They Won’t Bail Their Children out of Difficult Situations: The reason, why you have a problem when your child is going through consequences is that you don’t have emotional intelligence skills.

Many times, you hear parents say, ” I don’t want my child to suffer”, “I don’t want my child to get angry”, or “I don’t want my child to get upset”. Sometimes, it can be jumping in to pacify a child that’s crying. When you do or say these things, you don’t allow the child to go through different situations like disappointment, anger, failure, agitation, and sadness. You deny them the opportunity to deal with these emotions. For instance, your child fails his exams and is expected to repeat the class. You come home and beat the child because according to you, he didn’t do well. Then you meet with the school authority to beg them to allow your child to move to the next class because you don’t want him to experience failure.

It can also be that your child isn’t doing well in school, and you flog him whenever you are helping out with his assignments but when it’s time to pay for illegal ways like paying for a mercenary to write external exams for him, you’ll gladly do so. You are raising a hypocrite, idiot, and someone that can’t think. I might be coming too hard on you today but trust me you need to hear this.
Studies have shown that children who are exposed to tough situations, and conflicts and how to manage them are more emotionally intelligent.

When a child faces difficult situations, he gains the tools to deal with the situations, however, there’s a caveat- it can only happen if the parents are emotionally intelligent. For eg, we teach failure as a tool in the Inner Circle Academy. Failure is part of the process of raising a child who will be well-rounded, however, what we call failure isn’t necessarily a failure. True failure is when you can’t use that failure as a tool to succeed. Failure is a tool in parenting and mistakes are proofs that your child is learning.

2. They do Not Shut Down Their Children’s Emotions. Often, parents ask their kids, “Why are you crying?” or “Why are you angry? I’m the one having a hard time here!! When you ask such questions, you shut down the child’s emotions. You make them understand that they don’t have the right to feel certain ways. Every single emotion is valid. Studies have shown that adults who had suppressed emotions when they were young have issues building positive relationships and that’s why you find that we have trust issues in relating with people.

3. They Won’t Stop Working on Their Emotions. I have constantly gone through emotional training in the past 10 years because I understand that it’s a journey and not a destination. When you don’t subject yourself to the journey, you’ll have issues. Your emotions are your responsibility to handle. Parenting is an emotional journey because we are constantly battling with different emotions. Learn how to work on your emotions here

4. They Won’t Hide Their Emotions. I see several parents feel disappointed and won’t share with their children that they are and if the child asks, they’ll be like, “I’m fine” while they are not.
You can’t name your emotions because you don’t even know what you feel at the moment. What happens is that the child learns to mask their emotions and become hypocritical. They won’t be able to define what they feel at times. When you say I’m okay or I’m fine, you are being hypocritical because you think that you ought to be perfect. You don’t need PERFECTION but TRAINING. When you make mistakes, don’t mask them because you have bought into an infallibility narrative. When you become vulnerable in your parenting journey, you don’t lose credibility rather you gain trust and trust is the biggest currency in your journey.

Putting up a facade of perfection, hiding your emotions, and hiding failures are not good examples but show that you have no emotional intelligence. Your children need to see you make mistakes and admit them and by so doing, you teach them to take responsibility for their actions.

5. They Are Not Reactive to Situations but proactive. The parent thinks about the process and then takes him/herself out of the process of helping the child. When a child fails, an emotionally intelligent parent uses the tools to help the child become better by using that same failure but the child of a no emotionally intelligent parent struggles.

In your journey as a parent, you need to understand that you are the most important pace. Parenting is about you and not your child. You need to connect to correct and you do that by working on your emotions.

Imagine this…

Imagine this… – it’s a school morning, and your child is getting ready for school. Suddenly, they start throwing tantrums, and their breakfast cereal pours on the only school uniform available.

Instead of yelling, you respond calmly, cleaning up the mess while keeping your cool.

But wait, there’s more…

You’re out shopping with the whole family. Your five-year-old creates a scene, demanding a toy you didn’t plan to buy. Amidst judgmental stares, you manage your emotions without exploding. In the midst of it all, they throw themselves on the floor crying.

or how about this…

Your school-age child decides to redecorate your freshly painted walls with soup but you still keep your cool.

Sounds like a dream right? (Especially if you currently struggle with your emotions) Nonetheless! this can be your everyday reality — when you learn how to manage your emotions.

This is exactly why I created The Becoming an Intentional Parent Course. This transformative course offers practical insights on how to manage your emotions positively on your parenting journey.

For the next few days, I’m offering the earliest bird discount of up to 50% off. Seize this opportunity to embark on a journey of intentional parenting and transform the way you handle those challenging parenting moments.

To join the Becoming the Emotionally Intelligent Parent course, pay N15,500 ($17) to 0509494057 (GT Bank). The Intentional Parent Academy and send proof of payment through WhatsApp chat to 09036633600.

You can purchase online using this link:

https://theintentionalparentacademy.selar.co/emotionalintelligence

The age of 12 is a big transition age for children, at that age, they transition physically, mentally, and socially. If your child is not able to learn all they need to learn before they turn 13 they will struggle. Life gets bumpy for children because puberty comes in full swing and if they are not prepared, you the parent become frustrated and the child will struggle as a teenager. Life skills are learning to learn skills, these life skills are skills that can be developed intentionally and through everyday parenting.

In this blog post, we will share 12 skills that your child should have before they turn 12. You might not be ready to teach your child about life but life is not going to stop because you are not ready. Life doesn’t seek permission for readiness for exams; life gives you tests every minute of your life. You must understand that you will not be there for your child every minute of their lives because you are not babying children, you are raising adults. The moment you understand that you are raising your children for adulthood you will most likely rethink your parenting strategies.

Research has proven over and again that parenting, experiences, culture, and value systems are things that make a person. One of the questions we must ask is, do I really know what it takes to parent.”Novices do not raise geniuses. Many children go into the world unprepared for the reality of adulting, and it\’s been proven that children who do chores do better in life and are more successful in early adulthood.

12 SKILLS CHILDREN NEED TO KNOW BEFORE THEY TURN 12

1. BASIC HOUSE CHORES: Your 12-year-old must be able to do basic house chores, this is important because it\’s been proven that children who learn to do house chores as early as age 4 have higher self-esteem, high response-ability, better able to deal with frustrations and delay gratification. According to Matthew Rosemond involving children in chores as early as 3 years of age can have a positive impact later in life. The best predictor of young adult success is that they participate in household tasks as young as 4 years. The research also shows that the best results were gotten from the children who started to do these chores early. According to Harvard, children who do chores early are happier and have better mental health. The more responsible your child is, the more surge they have in their brain development because the brain needs to struggle to develop.

Part of what we teach in the Inner Circle is how to raise a child whose response-ability quotient is high, so we do this through daily activities, we also teach how to teach a system of honor and empathy.

REGISTER FOR THE INNER CIRCLE HERE

2. BASIC TRAVEL SKILLS: Part of our webinars in the inner circle program is teaching travel skills. I understand how sensitive and unsafe the times we live in are, but fearful parenting is not the way to go, knowledge-based parenting is the way to go. Are these insecurities ever going to go away? NO! Are our children going to need to survive? YES! Basic travel skills include that your child will be able to move from one place to another and trek a distance. Spatial awareness is part of safety education.

The ability to move from one location to another using public transportation is a crucial life skill. Introduce your child to travel routines in the following ways.
a. Teach them about landmarks. Let them understand that when being transported, one must be able to identify and remember locations by noting specific things at the locations (trees, buildings, road signs, etc).

b. Expose them to various means of transportation by first going along with them while to lead the way, and then going along the way while they lead the way (determine which type of means of transport to use and initiate the request, directions, and payment for them). Eventually, you can then allow them to take short trips on their own, and as you determine fit, allow them to make longer trips on their own like interstate and international travels

3. COOKING SKILLS: Cooking is very important. Part of our family values at home is that cooking is a life skill, not a gender role. I have come to realize that many parents don’t know the benefits of cooking maybe that’s why they don’t necessarily take out time to teach it. Working in the kitchen provides kids and teens opportunities to gain a sense of accomplishment. Even if the end result is not exactly what you expected, praise your kitchen helpers for their efforts.

4. TIME MANAGEMENT: The ability to manage time is an essential life skill and it can lead to productivity. First thing is to teach your child that time is limited and can be wasted. You also want them to understand that everyone has the same 24hours in a day, so it is the efficient use of that time that is important.

6. HIGH QUOTIENT FOR RESPONSE- ABILITY– This involves how to take initiative. You need to build a response-ability quotient

7. HOW TO REACT IN AN EMERGENCY: If something happens today, does your 12-year-old know how to react in that scenario?

8. How to understand what happens at the phases of DEATH, SEX, and BIRTH

9. How to take responsibility for Homework

10. How to start and sustain conversations: At the age of 12, your child should be able to start and sustain conversations, they should be able to have valuable conversations with an adult.

11. Teach Focus and Self Control: Teaching your child how to focus and have self-control comes from having schedules, structures, and strict routines.

12. PERSPECTIVE TAKING: We have a lot of adults who cannot take perspectives, they are not able to look at issues from the other person’s perspective. A lot of us were taught to be stereotyped.

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Yelling is a big deal in our clime, in fact it is everywhere globally. Yelling is known to be passed from parents to offspring\’s. Once you are yelled at as a child, automatically you pick up yelling and your children pick it up too and the cycle continues. Growing up, my parents never yelled and we listened to them more than the yelling parents.

Some parents believe their children do not listen except you yell at them. This is a bad narrative sold to us that is completely wrong. The more you yell, the more your child resists what you are teaching.

Yelling has other side effect both on the yelling parent and the yelled child. The bad effect to the yelling parent as :high blood pressure, artery pain, anxiety, heart attack, anger issue and a lot more on this list. My best selling book ‘from yelling to calm’ is my journey from being a yeller to a calm parent.

You can order a copy of from yelling to calm here

Yelling also has its negative effects on our children; we bring up children who are timid, children without great self esteem, the inability to stand up to an adult whether the adult is wrong or not. Most of us were instructed not to question an adult, even when the adults seem to be wrong. One of the greatest gift we can give to our children is the ability to question our actions. Yelling affects the self esteem of our children, both at home and outside, children who cannot speak up. We raise children who cannot stand up for themselves.

This low self esteem eventually follows then through out their growth process, till adulthood. However you program your child, that\’s how your child will grow. The ability of a child to stand up and say that s/he is not okay with the abuse being melted on him/her is as a result of how their parents trained them. Our training as parents will help instill confidence in our children and enable them to speak up and leave an abusive environments.

The ability to think was shut down for most of us when were growing up. Not yelling at your child does not mean permissive parenting. It only means that you can parent in a more effective way apart from yelling. One of the reasons I am actively fighting the way we were raised is that, we are intentionally and unintentionally transferring this to our children. Training is beyond yelling and beating a child. Training requires that you do the job of discipline which requires you to build a structure.

The five basic things you can do to grab your child\’s attention without yelling and :

1. Take the opposite tone: The harder your child’s voice becomes, the softer the tone we respond with. With this, You are teaching your child how he is supposed to be. Model the kind of conversational skill you want them to emulate. With this, the child learns by your behavior because children learn better by what you model to them. The book “from yelling to calm” shows that the angry person needs the most kind words. This helps us to take the opposite tone and the next person backs down. Soft words turns away wrath.
2. Calm repetition: Most times, we demand that when we speak, the child picks it instantly. But we need to implement the calm approach, which is quietly repeating what you said to the child. Repeating the same phrase as much as it needs to be. You need to make an impression for anybody to internalize a message.
   For anyone to learn and internalize a message, you need to make an impression, and for you to make an impression, it comes from repetition. Calm repetition can be a great tool to learn instead of yelling. When calm repetition is practised, the child will know how serious you are. Always remember that whatever you sow in your children, that is what you reap. In parenting there is seed time and harvest. There is no time frame to the harvest. So start now to sow the right seed required.
3. Ask questions: Instead of yelling, ask questions. When there is room for negotiation, certain phrases can turn to arguments but turned into a healthy conversation. Create a room for the child to negotiate. Use simple short calm repetitive phrases, and allow children throw in their ideas or opinion. Ask questions in short phrases to enable some kids, kinesthetic children in particular to negotiate. When you don’t have time to negotiate, ask questions.
4. Be positive and clear: Being clear and direct about what you require is important. When giving direction or instruction, be specific and direct. Once you yell, your child picks self defense mechanism. Instead of connecting, your child is thinking of defence. And at this time, the ability to listen is taken away from the child instantly. Some children do not hear whatever you say at the point of yelling at them. The brain looks for a way to escape from the present situation. The brain works to preserve the human being, therefore it doesn’t comprehend yelling. For instant, use your child’s name while giving instructions and it gets the child’s attention. Be more apt and specific when directing instructions. An upset child is not a listening child.
5. Make it fun: Sometimes you just need to diffuse the intensity of the instruction. You get your child in the position where they are able to connect. You bring in fun into the activities of the moment and this helps the child connect. Yelling is like a fire alarm. We have a Yellometer, used from ages appropriate. It alerts you the parent when raised from 7-8, when it becomes dangerous. When raising your voice becomes dangerous, it acts as a fire alarm. If you are constantly yelling, it simply means you are raising an alarm consistently. The no yelling challenge has helped a lot of parents break free from yelling
6. Take a break: If it feels like one of the two parties is loosing control, call a break. This is also helpful with couples, friends…call a break when it gets overboard. Self reflection is a great skill, which can also be modeled to a child. Give that time out if the conversation is going to make a mess of your head. Teach your children conversational self control by modeling it to the child. Discipline is not meant for the public places, this shows that as a parent, you don’t need to discipline your child in the public. Disciplining a child in the public is actually embarrassing the child and not to discipline the child. Disciplining a child in the public means you need to validate that you are a good parent. You do not need people to validate your parenting if you are doing what is right. Your child can be corrected properly by not making it an emergency. When you make it an emergency, you will not think through your process and you will do things you will eventually regret. It takes emotional muscle to parent calmly. Aggression does not solve the problem.

We are launching the NO YELLING CHALLENGE this year again. Fee is N15,500 , but instead of N15,500, You get to Pay N5,999 only to be part of this challenge.

This is like paying practically nothing to get access to this challenge , Want this offer?

ONLINE PAYMENT
https://Selar.co/Noyellingchallenge

OFFLINE PAYMENT
Pay N5,999 to 0509494057, GTBank, The Intentional Parent Academy. After payment, send your full name, and proof of payment to WhatsApp +234 812 968 7040. I will show you how I got here to parent with peace and calm at that challenge; you too can .

https://anchor.fm/wendyologe/episodes/Episode-13-The-Journey-To-Version-3-7-e1gatjd

Now the question is, Is it even possible to stay calm in the face of a misbehaving child? How do you not lose it? In recent times, globally there has been a lot of rancor about people not being able to manage their emotions. I realized that this is the same thing that happened when we start to parent. Parenting is an emotional journey, It takes you to the point where you\’re very frustrated with some of these misbehaviors.

Staying calm in the face of chaos is a skill, it is not a prayer point. A lot of religious people will fight it but trust me it\’s a skill that you need to learn.

Like I always tell the parents in the inner circle, you can join the inner circle here, “miracles don\’t come from just believing, Miracles come from doing and that is why it says that faith without works is dead. What exactly are you doing? that is the question. Somebody reached out to me today and said she had to hit her child and there was blood all over. She said, “I felt bad however, I can\’t help myself”. she said she has prayed about it but it\’s not working. No, you haven\’t done what you\’re supposed to do.

When people tell me, I want to really parent with calm, what I get is, “I am wishing it, I am not ready to work it”. Many times, we are just in a place where we are wishing to win. We are not in the place where we are putting in the work. And until you get to that point where you tell yourself that this is work that needs to be done, then nothing really changes. So parenting with peace and calm is a skill. Can you look at your child who is misbehaving and stay calm? How possible is that? Yes extremely possible.

However, you cannot do it without the right set of skills. The parents in the inner circle would say before I joined the inner circle, some of the things that the coach share on Tuesday live, I used to think she was kidding us, but by the time I spent a few weeks to months, I have come to realize that there are things you need to do. There is a practice, there is what to do. The question is, are you really doing what it takes?

When a child is acting out, it could mean that the child is lost, afraid, in need of guidance, is seeking attention or the child lacks skill.

When we fight our children for doing things they do without teaching them any other way to do it, we are actually doing it the wrong way. So, the first thing you want to ask when a child is misbehaving is, why is my child misbehaving?
Is my child is lost?
He doesn’t know what to do?
Is he afraid?
He doesn\’t know how to react in these circumstances?
He needs me to help and guide him?
Is he seeking my attention?
Does he lack the possible skills that I am actually requesting from him to actually behave in that certain way?

Capacity is a big deal and that is one of the things that we must put in perspective when we are raising our children. Your child acting out doesn’t mean that he is a bad child. A misbehaving child is not a bad child. There is no such thing as a bad child. We need to get this and we need to actually internalize it. A misbehaving child is not a bad child. it is just because the child is still learning, the child is still growing. So, misbehavior is part of the process. If your child doesn\’t misbehave, how do you know what you\’re teaching? The misbehavior points the parent in the direction to go in directing the child.

Over the years, after getting into helping parents and children walk through the systems of parenting, I have come to realize that it is just us. When a child misbehaves and many of the times we resort to screaming out, this isn\’t the solution.

You cannot just wake up and decide that I am not going to yell again, I am not going to hit the child again, and then it happens. No. it is not going to happen that way. Because you have a template in your system that has been sold to you. You are operating based on what you know. You are a product of your experience and a product of your knowledge. You\’re going to react to issues according to what you know. You\’re going to react to issues where your experience is stopped. You\’re going to react to issues where your knowledge particularly stopped.

What are the things that you can do, what are the things you need to understand when we talk about staying calm in the face of chaos being a skill? What must you understand as a parent to help you stay calm?

1. Discipline Is Not An Emergency: I am sure a few people like the parents in the academy (you can join the academy here ) must have heard me say that discipline is not an emergency. Well, they were privileged to review my book, the discipline that works in the academy and I remember re-emphasizing that discipline is not an emergency. What makes discipline an emergency most of the time for you is, what the next person will think, and what if I don\’t address this thing now and my child becomes useless tomorrow?

Discipline is not an emergency, provided your child is safe you must understand that everything is not about violence. When you make discipline and emergency, you actually take away the essence to be able to help your child at that moment. So being able to help your child in the face of misbehavior, is one of the things that you must put at the back of your mind. The aim is not to punish a child for misbehaving, the aim is to teach a child how to behave better. The aim of discipline is not to punish, so you need to learn to take a moment to pause. Plan how you would respond is very important.

When a child is misbehaving, one of the first things that you need to look out for is, how am I going to respond? What am I going to do? So when you fail to pause, you find yourself reacting or having to double your efforts to reconnect. When you choose to pause, you may believe that you\’re doing nothing but trust me, the power of that initial nothing, is the road to a karma response and an emotionally responsible child. Remember that the aim is to raise a child who will become emotionally responsible afterward. Is your child emotionally responsible? How can a child be emotionally responsible if you are not emotionally responsible? So that is the main thing. You need to show your ability to respond emotionally to actually be able to help your child. So while you are pausing, you can ask the following questions to help you;
● What guidance can I offer my child?
● How can we both benefit from this moment?
● How does my child need to get back on track or what can I do to help my child to get back on track?

2.Believe That Your Child Can Do Better: There is something that we call self-fulfilling prophecies, you need to be careful what you say in the face of misbehavior. Many of the times I have found that when a child is misbehaving, that is when parents go off, they say all sorts of things, that is when you lose it. that is when they just go crazy.
Do you have faith enough, that no matter how many mistakes your child makes, he\’s worthy of learning from your guidance? That is the first thing you need to tell yourself. No matter how many mistakes my child will be making, I am sure that my child will benefit from my guidance. Do you believe your guidance will work? When children misbehave, it is usually because they are stuck. So, when misbehavior shows up is because your child doesn\’t know any other way of letting you know that they are afraid, that they are hurting, that they are upset. Let your child know you believe they can do better.
So instead of a child who is misbehaving, you saying “I know that you will never ever listen to me”, instead of saying that why not say” I know that you can do better and I know that if you actually take these things the way I say it, you will be able to change a lot of things”. Be careful of what you say in the face of misbehavior. “My child is always stealing, lying…all of those things are key to our process.

3. Build skills: An unskilled child will frustrate you, there are seven essential life skills that you need to build in your child to actually be able to tackle these behaviors. Without building those skills your child will continually make those errors and it will not be a result of the child being a bad child. It will just be a result of a parent who is ignorant of what to do. So you need to incorporate these skills into your daily routines. Part of what we do in the inner circle is to help you incorporate some of these skills that we are sharing with you right in our daily routine. We have what we call the connection calendar and inside that connection calendar, it is a curriculum that has been built in a way that all of these seven skills I am gonna be sharing with you are actually being practiced every day. (You can join the inner circle here)

●Focus and self-control. Children thrive on schedules, habits, and routines. Any child that you put unpredictability in their system, you are going to “kill them” because that is how people thrive. Children thrive in predictability. Predictability is a key skill in your parenting. So focus and self-control in one of those conversations in the inner circle. We shared how to teach your child self-regulation which is part of its focus on self-control.

● Perspective-taking: Thinking about another point of view. A lot of the time because of the way we are raising our children, they cannot learn because we parent in such a way that we are focused on just how a straightway. there is no other thing to actually help our children think again. So perspective-taking is a skill but our parents and our daily routine don\’t give our children the opportunity to thrive or get this skill. So what does perspective-taking do: it helps you to see another point of view, to have meaningful conversations. Your children will never learn perspective thinking if you\’re parenting that way because your child learns all of these things. These things are not learned in school. They are learned in the home and we must understand that.

● Communication: Communication is one skill that you need to teach your child to be able to avoid all these misbehaviors. I have found that a lot of homes are about criticism, instructions, controls, and judgment, yellings, there are no conversations, there are no connections, there are no collaborations. If your home lacked these three C\’s your home is in trouble. Stand up today, connection, communication, collaboration. These are the three C’s on communication, and that is why intentional parenting, one of our core is connection. Connection is a key tool for us. How do we actually teach our children communication? I found that many of us cannot have valuable communication because we were not taught communication at home. There was never communication. that is why when I see how people argue online, the moment There is a diverse opinion, so perspective-taking is why a lot of us do not have that skill of being able to look at things from another person\’s perspective and this is also part of the conversion processes. But we are not taught conversations at home.
● Critical Thinking Skills: Many of our children cannot think? The only thing that we do is that we teach our children how to pass exams and that is not parenting. When all your child does is to be able to go and just pass the exam they can\’t think through their process. There is something wrong with that parenting.
● Resilience: Resilience is a very key skill in our parenting journey. Resilience is our ability to build the adversity quotient. Do you know why in Nigeria we use the quote this life is no balance? The reason is simple, while some people can be very resilient in the face of adversity, some can. that is it and that is why there is no balance. So if your child will learn to work, if you would learn to teach a child how to improve the adversity quotient then you\’re going to have a child with very minimal misbehaviors. So ability to build adversity quotient. Taking on challenges. I was sharing with the parents in the inner circle, one of those days and I said to them that struggling is part of learning.

4. Allow your children to struggle. A child who does not learn how to struggle is bound to fail. Allow your child to struggle. The struggle is a gift. We call it the gift of struggle. Your child is falling. You are constantly helping your child come up. The gift of struggle is a big deal. You need to teach your child that struggle is nothing but instead of allowing them to struggle, I see a lot of parents, your child does something, you jump up and down you, take the kid, you beat the child but yet your child can\’t struggle. Your child does or does not have all of these skills that we are reading here.

● Self-Directness: Our children must be self-directed and engage in learning. Many of our children are not self-directed. We are still the ones directing them. we are still the ones telling them what to do. we are still the ones putting everything together. it is still us. we are still the ones trying to do everything for them. There is no self-direction because we are parenting in such a way that everything is about us. You can\’t let your child have to make decisions, you cannot allow them to put things in place. Everything is about you. You\’re constantly making decisions for your children. There is something wrong with that. So you need to understand that part of your parenting and also deal with it.

● Engaged learning: Engaged learning is another concept many of our children don\’t know how to learn. All we do is that we are raising children who just pass exams. The moment they are done with school, they don\’t want to learn. That is why a lot of us also are not interested in learning. We have all gone to school and some of us made 2:1, 1:1 and some of them made different kinds of grades in classes but we come out and we are not interested in learning. The joy of learning is not there. You were not taught that learning is a skill. If your child learns the skill of learning, you are on your way to minimizing misbehaviors. There are learning skills and without them, your child will continue to struggle these skills can be developed through intentional activities, which is one of the key things that we do in the inner circle.

4. Build on your emotions and quit yelling: Now in the month of April in the academy, we are going to be facing yelling, where we are going to be introducing our no yelling challenge and we are going to be talking about yelling a lot. (Join our waitlist here for the no yelling challenge so you are informed when early-bird registration starts)

One of the things that a lot of parents do not understand is that yelling can actually shut down the brain of a child and stop them from learning. So you need to understand that you need to work on your emotions. Now we say, stay calm in the face of chaos, but the truth of the matter is that, if you cannot control your emotions, you would not be able to actually give this calmness that we are talking about, you can\’t do it and again it is not a prayer point. it is a knowledge point. Take it from me. You need knowledge to actually be able to practice this particular skill. I have been there where I thought it was prayer and trust me you need to actually walkthrough.

Do you want to join the next cohort of Parents in the INNER CIRCLE PROGRAM? We are having an upward Fee Review this year but those who already booked slots for the inner circle program NOW won’t be affected.

The current annual Fee is 50,000/annum for now but reviewed Fee would be more ( not concluded yet) Book here: https://selar.co/tipinnercircle
The booking Fee is N5,000 Only

Today\’s blog post is one that I am particularly excited about. So buckle up your seatbelts because you are in for a ride.

Understanding yourself as a parent is one of the first prerequisites for effective parenting but let’s start by answering these questions:

•Did you get married with the intent of, \’I have just reached the age of marriage so having kids is the next step.
•Were you prepared to have a child?
• Did you ask the right questions before you started having children?
I guess not many of you will answer yes to these questions.

One of the things that I have come to realize is that many people were never prepared to become parents rather they all stumbled on parenting, they just became parents. So I can say that parenting happened to many of us.

I started my parenting journey looking for solutions and when I found the solution I realized that so many parents were also like me struggling to do things differently.

Many of us were on that table, where we started parenting without any inkling of what to expect. We do not even understand who we were. Understanding who you are as a parent is a big deal for effective parenting.

The question is, who are you? Are you able to answer this question. When we ask this question many people will typically answer that “I am a medical doctor, I am a teacher” But that\’s not who they are. The question of who you are is a very key and valid question that every single one of us must answer before we become parents.

The major problem we have today is that we do not even understand why we became parents in the first place. We are not aware of why we needed to be parents. We just became parents because it was time. So as a parent, one of the things I have found is the place of being able to see, to understand why you are doing what you are doing. Until you understand you are why you will keep going back and forth on your journey.

So I am asking you today again, Why did you become a parent? Forget about the why before you read this post, think about the why after you\’ve read this post. What would be your why? What would be that thing that would jolt you back to reality to be able to put things in perspective?

One of the reasons why children are born in the world is because we are to co-create with God. I heard one of my mentors say that “when there\’s a problem in the world, a child is sent for impact. If we do not understand that part of why we became parents is to co-create with God, then we will also miss the essence of being parents and that starts from where we begin to understand ourselves. How much do you know about yourself?

As parents, one of the things that happened is that we repeat what we know best. And most often than not, what we know best is from our experiences. What we know best is from the integral part of our values, our belief system, and the things that we hold through to parenting. These are all going to come from our experiences.

According to science, we all make inferences from our subconscious and our subconscious is formed between ages 0 to 7. Everything that happened to you while you were being parented is who you became and the lack of understanding of who you are is what drives us to do things against our better judgement.

There is no parenting without you understanding where you come from.
What are the areas that we need to look at when it comes to understanding ourselves better? What are the things that we must understand to become better parents? You cannot become a better parent without understanding a lot of the things that happened to you as a child? We can only parent better to the degree of what we know about our past, our emotional defenses, and our psychological struggles. This will determine how much we are creating a smoother or a more rugged road in raising our children.

“Your past, your experiences, your emotional defenses, your psychological struggles, are determining factors for how you will parent better today. “

Your past, your experiences, your emotional defenses, your psychological struggles, are determining factors for how you will parent better today.

What are the things that you would need to look at or you will need to find that you need to put together in perspective when it comes to parenting your children better?

1. Self-Awareness on Parenting Ideologies:
   a. Where do your ideas on parenting come from? That\’s the first question you want to ask yourself today. They come from how you were raised, they come from who you became, the past, where are they coming from?

Many of the times, I say over and again that in parenting the reason we are to question the things that the previous generation has done isn\’t to discredit the previous generation. It is to help us credit a better system for the generation to come. If we cannot question what was done to us, then we cannot become better as a people. So your ability to question the parenting ideologies that you already know is coming from the place of self-awareness. When you become self-aware, when you are on a journey to understand yourself, it gives you leverage over a whole lot of other things that you think that you know.

Other Self Awareness Questions:
b. Where do your expectations about children come from?
c. What would I like to change about my parenting today?
d. What does my child need from me today as a parent that is different from what I needed from my parents?
e. Is it possible that I am parenting a different kind of child from the child that I was to my parents?

2. My personality and my temperament:
This is another part of you that you want to understand as a parent to be able to effectively parent your child. What are your personality and Temperament? Temperament is one of the most powerful influences in your life, however, temperament is not destiny, but for you to make progress you need to understand that about yourself. The more you understand who you are, the more you can make changes that are required in different aspects of your life to become a better person. Have you been able to find out if you are tended towards being melancholic, choleric , sanguine, or phlegmatic in your behavior?

Currently, in level one in the inner circle, we are reading, why you act the way you do. There is so much to why you act the way you act. You can book a slot to join the inner circle program here

Have you ever questioned yourself, why do I act this way because this is going to affect the kind of parent that you eventually would become or you eventually are because now we are talking to parents and not people who want to become parents? Your personality is a very big deal. Do you know that who you have become, how you learn, your temperament will affect how you raise children?

Do you also know that who your parents were their temperament, their personality affected how they raised you? There’s something that we call the parenting advantage. So if your parents worked on becoming a better version of themselves, you probably had a parenting advantage over the next person. Parenting advantage can put you in a better place than your mates, just because you had forward-thinking parents. Now the question is, what parenting advantage will you give your children because you were their parent?

3. Learning Style: One of the biggest struggles I see parents have is not understanding how their children learn, but beyond that understanding how they learn. Many of us do not know how we learn. We do not know whether we are kinesthetic, Auditory, or Visual learners. One of the things that happens in our learning style class is that, parents come to that class to first understand themselves and when they get into that class they are humbled. They understand why what happened to them academically in school even happened to them in the first place. They begin to understand where a lot of things happened to them in the past. They begin to understand why some of them were called an olodo. They begin to understand that they probably were kind of such learners and they didn\’t find the space where they could learn from their environment and of course, they ended up not learning.
So one of the biggest challenges we have is not even that we do not understand who we are parenting, its that we do not understand who we are, to be able to parent who we are parenting. So you are teaching your child from your style of the learning. You do not even know what their style of learning style is, so you can really make so much impact and progress.

When we talk about the learning style course, we talk about how you understand, how it has helped other people become better and all of that. If you want to enroll for the understanding your child\’s learning style Course, you might want to jump on it now because the second early birds offer ends shortly. The first early bird offer is over. The second early bird offer is 10 500 instead of 20 500. You can grab this time limited offer by clicking this link 👉 https://selar.co/learningstylecourse

4.Emotional Awareness: You need to understand who you are emotionally. A lot of us do not know how to handle emotions in any way. How are you aware? What are you aware of when it comes to emotions? Do you know how you react to incidences? Do you know your emotional triggers? Part of what we did in the course we did last month “ Becoming an emotionally intelligent parent “ is for parents who understand who they are emotionally. A lot of us do not understand who we are emotionally, we are just parenting. we are just going along and just moving. Who are you emotionally? Do you know your emotional triggers? Do you know how you respond to different kind of emotions?

5. Your development and attachment style: There are different types of attachment but the one that is at the forefront is the secure attachment style, that\’s the best. That\’s the one that we advocate for. There\’s the avoidance attachment style and insecure attachment style, there are about four to five of them. Many of us do not understand the kind of attachment style that we had. We shared this extensively in our course becoming an emotionally intelligent parent and I shared in that course how your attachment style affects how you parent your children.

Are you still thinking of taking the course on \”Understanding Your Child’s Learning Style\”? 200+ parents are already onboard💃💃💃

In this course, You will learn how to eliminate screams at assignment times and home learning times and teach your child study skills by understanding how my child learns better.

Come 28th of March, 2022, I will be taking 200+ parents on this journey to Understanding How children learn.

To register for the Understanding Your Child’s Learning Style course, pay #10,500 instead of #20,500 to 0509494057 (GT Bank). ( This offer ends by tomorrow) The Intentional Parent Academy and send proof of payment through WhatsApp chat to 08129687040.

You can register online by clicking here: https://selar.co/learningstylecourse

One of the things that have become a big deal in parenting a child in the 21st century is Focus. Now we are seeing children who are struggling to concentrate, children whose attention span have become even a lot shorter. I was reading a research recently and it says that the attention span for teenagers have gone down to a few seconds per time, because of excessive exposure to screen and a lot of other distractions.

Studies have shown that smartphones not only remove focus but also disturb the way the brain is developing. Right now we are having children who were born with smartphones under their armpits, they are digital nomads. These children come into the space and they do not even understand what it means not to have internet. They do not understand what it means not to have a smartphone. We learned it but they are digital nomads, we were here when the smartphone came in and unfortunately nobody taught us how to parent the smartphone generation.

Which is the biggest challenge of this century. This is that we do not even understand how to navigate, how to balance the training between the children born in this time and what it is that we have. This is why parenting education is no longer negotiable. Our parents transitioned into the times, there were no major changes, there were no major hits. But right now, we are not just a transitioning into the time, the times have changed, you must always put this in perspective in your parenting.

So the question remains; how do we evolve this education for these digital nomads?

How do we help them create more focus? I was teaching the parents in our inner circle program and I said to them, that if you do not build focus and concentration in your children we are going to get to a point where they would need to pay heavily to manage distractions in their children. I am a distraction manager, so there is something called distraction management, I know families that I work with, and the major challenge that they have is focused on concentration.

You can book a slot to join my Inner Circle Program Here)

When we talk about concentration, it says that the average four to five-year-old can focus on task two to five minutes times their age. Can you do the math?

If you have a five-year-old, the average focus for that five-year-old is two to five minutes times their age. So your five years old is supposed to have at least two minutes. if we calculate on based on two minutes, that\’s at least a ten minutes focus attention span. Right now as we speak, we do not even have toddlers focusing more than a minute. So we are talking about 10 minutes originally put together, but we do not even have children who can focus anymore.
How many of us are noticing that this is a challenge?
How many of us are taking out time to help our children build focus?
How many of us are taking out time to help our children build concentration?

When you come into the academy, one of the first things that I tell you is that the things that your children need to learn to thrive are not on the screen. I was analyzing something recently, about the world tech gurus. The world tech gurus didn\’t become the world tech gurus because they were exposed to screen, they became the world tech gurus because they could think. One way parents justify excessive screen time is by saying they saying that they want their child to be tech-savvy.

I was listening to a documentary on the Japanese children and I listened to how they were grouped from zero to seven and in all of those ages zero to seven, they tried not to introduce the screen. Also, these children do not start formal school until they are about six or seven years of. By the time they now take them to the classroom, boom they are like machines. They teach them manners first, they teach them how to think first before they take them to the tech world. Unfortunately what we are doing now is the reverse. So we are now teaching our children how to be in the tech world without the basics that they need. Very interesting turn and that is why places like Japan, Chinese are leading the world tech system.

Mark Zuckerberg ,Bill Gate and all of the tech giants in Silicon Valley didn\’t become the world giants because they were techier than others, they became the world tech giants because they could think, they were better thinker. So focus functions as a gateway to higher functioning skills.

A child cannot assess higher forms of learning especially memory, because memory is what leads to deeper comprehension. Without the ability to pay attention to something, children are not going to be able to process information, they will not be able to consolidate into this memory and this means that they will not be able to interpret, comprehend, analyze, criticize and synthesize information.

How To You Help Your Children Learn Focus?

1. Teach your children to think: Many of the times a child does something and you are very quick to jump in into correction, you are teaching your child how not to think. Mistakes are one of the biggest tools to use in parenting. You see those mistakes that you are angry that it is happening, they are one of the most profound tools that you need in parenting today. So if your child makes a mistake and you understand that you need to teach your children how to think, you will get to a point where you are giving room for your children to think.o

2. Teach your children how to deal with distractions.

Many of the times, what we do is that we teach our children not to be distracted but we do not teach them how to deal with distraction. Distraction will never go away. You cannot eliminate distraction no matter. Beyond eliminating distractions, you need to teach your children how to deal with distractions. Distraction is never going to go away completely. We need to teach them how to refocus as soon as they are distracted.Help your children practice mindfulness, when you get distracted, how do you put yourself back to start again?

3. You need to understand your child\’s learning style. In helping your child improve concentration, you will need to understand how your child learns. When I started parenting, I struggled with this. I have a set of twins, my daughter started reading as early as four but my son was struggling, and I didn\’t know that I was probably teaching my children with my learning style. If you cannot understand how a child learns, you cannot teach them how to focus and how to manage distraction, and also how to put the concentration in. We have been able to help him to improve his auditory learning style, his visual learning style since he is a dominant aesthetic learner.

“In helping your child improve concentration, you will need to understand how your child learns.“

We have a lot of children that we call olodo. For a lot of those of you who are Nigerians, olodo is a Nigerian term used to describe a dumb child, and many of the times, I have found that it is not the child\’s fault, it is actually that we do not understand how this child learns, so we are constantly struggling on how we can teach this child. This is why we have the course understanding your child\’s learning style in the academy, where you can learn and understand how your child learns. Now one of the things that this helped me do was that it did not only help me with his learning, right now he\’s a star in school but it helped me also to manage misbehaviors. I got to understand that discipline is teaching but we are constantly struggling because we are not teaching. So when you understand that it\’s teaching, then you need to understand who you are parenting.

Join the learning style course here and enjoy a whopping discount of over 50%. Click HERE to join.

4. Let your children read. Reading has been found as a way to teach your children how to focus and concentrate. Let them read big texts, large words. As soon as the twins turned 10, we started introducing them to reading a 400 pager book on purpose. It is going to build a lot of concentration. Now if your child hasn\’t started reading at all, read to them. The more you can read to your child, the more your child can see it and retain it. If your child has started reading, please create a system where your children are constantly reading, it is going to help build a lot of focus. So when we are talking about focus. We are talking about how it can help your child put a lot in perspective. If you do not build it as a skill, when your children are young, they will continue to struggle with it even as adults.

5. Teach your children how to boost brainpower.

How do I teach my children to boost brain power you ask? The kind of games your children play, Puzzles, crosswords can help boost their brainpower. If your children play a game that lets them think, your children are going to be better positioned to focus. If your child is not very good with focus, the first thing you get is a building block, a tiny lego piece. I am talking about from like 7, 8 of age your child is going to feel very frustrated because it takes a lot of focus.
Do not worry about what is happening when this is happening, do not worry when the child is throwing a tantrum and all of that. You need to gradually build this focus one step at a time. So even when you have toddlers, who go to play on a playground, get them to name the shapes that they see on the floor. it is a way to build focus.
When it comes to every child, every child is uniquely different. So because every child is uniquely different that is why you will need to understand who your child is, how your child learns and what personality your child is. It helps you parents better with peace and calm.

Starting from the 28th of March 2022, we\’ll be taking hundreds of parents on this journey of discovering how their children learn and strategies on they can accelerate their learning.

Do you know how your child learns? Do you want to know? You can join our upcoming class on Understanding your child\’s learning style.

To register for the Learning Style Course:
Pay #8,000 to 0509494057 (GT Bank) The Intentional Parent Academy. Send proof of payment through WhatsApp chat to 08129687040.Or you can join online via this link. https://selar.co/Learningstylecourse

On the 10th of March my birthday, the first early bird will end and you pay more. You will also have access anytime to the course as you enroll because this course will happen on our online academy: Parents who have ever taken this course always say \” this is a course they wish they took a long time ago\”.

https://anchor.fm/wendyologe/episodes/Episode-12–Emotional-Intelligence–the-real-deal-e1evqf4

Have you ever been in a situation where you are calling out to your child, you are screaming literally, and your child isn\’t answering you? Or have you been teaching your child and are getting frustrated? You keep saying \”oh I have taught this child this thing I have been teaching him but he\’s not listening\” Are you wearing those shoes then you are in the right class because there are lots and lots of things that happen, we\’re learning. When we do not understand this, we struggle with our own children because we do not understand what we should be doing.

Recently, a man shared a video in our community on Facebook where this parent was demonstrating how they actually teach their children during homework and a lot of people commented saying \”this is some\” and everybody laughed about it. Many children struggle to learn because their parents do not even understand who they are and cannot teach them the things that will help them learn. There are many things that will help your child learn and we need to teach them these things for learning to actually take place instead of neglecting them.

I will be sharing with you three/four things that actually hinder learning.

1. We Are Not Teaching The Skills That Aid Learning. Provided you don\’t teach your children those skills that aid learning your child will find it difficult to learn. This is applicable in a situation where you know that your child doesn\’t have a learning disability (that\’s a medical issue) One skill we are not teaching our children is work ethics. Unfortunately, we\’re more interested in making our children look perfect than teaching them the skills they actually need to be able to become better, to learn to do what they need to do. We are no longer teaching our children how to actually look at their work and do it the right way that it should be done. We are not putting down our foot on so many things. How are things being done in your home? Do your children use excuses like \”I\’m not going to be able to do this because I need to finish up my game\” and you allow them to live that way? Our children are not able to actually gain skills that will help them learn even when they are outside of our home because of this.

2 Self Worth. This is not the kind of self-worth we are propagating today where we\’re telling our children things like \”if you go to school then you deserve an award\”. Let me make this clear: the world will never award your child because they are special. I remember a conversation in our Facebook community where a lot of parents said their children are special so every school, they go to must award them. We then wonder why we\’re bringing children who are entitled. Self-worth should stem from the accomplishment of a challenging task; I am referring to intrinsic reward, not a promotion or an award. You need to teach your children to learn the self-worth of completing a task. Recently, I was teaching parents in the inner circle the difference between praising the process and parsing the result. Being focused on the result instead of the process is the reason parents go as far as paying for their children to write WAEC. I know that some of our own parents did the same thing as well, so we\’re just having a ripple effect of whatever it is that had been laid as a foundation. If we\’re going to make any difference in this generation then we need to stand up to do it differently.When you go through a challenge, it is a process that speaks to you not the result. You need to teach your children the value of intrinsic rewards, not just the promotion or physical awards that they are given.

3. Study skills. Some Children do not even know how to study so it\’s difficult for them to even learn on their own. If you teach the skill you would not struggle, instead of concentrating on beating the child who makes mistakes can we start concentrating on how we can build skills to help a child not to make those mistakes? If we think discipline from the angle of training, then I don\’t think we will have issues parenting. My son was having a conversation with me while he was studying and I don\’t know what is written in his book. If you have a 10-year-old and he or she can\’t study on their own, and you\’re still struggling with doing their homework, how are they going to survive the world outside of you? It is very important for you to teach them how they can study on their own.

Study skills involve self-discipline; Many of our children find it difficult to study on their own especially during examinations. I don\’t get it when people say \”Oh my children are writing exams\” so your life stops. I\’m referring to Children who are old enough, if you have an 8 year or 9-year-old then you should have teaching them study skills. Self-discipline teaches your child they need to wake up to actually study themselves when they have an exam. I wish that parents would begin to focus and put their energy into the training of their children because training is discipline. That is why you get tired and frustrated that\’s why we wield the cane. Instead of constantly trying to do things for your children, you need to sit back and ask yourself what skill you need to teach your child that is going to help them tomorrow. You need to understand that personal discipline is key, your children have the contributions to make on your parenting journey. However, you are the one that will teach your children what contributions they need to make on your journey. Do not make your children become people who suck energy from the family and give absolutely nothing.

Another key thing when it comes to teaching your children study skills is time management. I once shared on the community that my twins actually make their food in the morning and still be the first pupils that arrive at their school every day, this called time management. Someone then asked me if my children play at all, I don\’t think any other child plays more than my children because they immerse themselves in play. You have to teach your children how to scale their time, my children have created a time routine for themselves we just laid the foundation. I do not have to tell them what to do per time, they have learned it.

Time management is it is a big deal but unfortunately, many parents cannot manage their own time and that is where the problem. I keep saying that before you parents anybody at all you need to first parent yourself because you cannot give what you don\’t have. I was bad at time management when I started my journey, I knew that it was an error and I needed to unlearn it, it took a lot of sacrifices, but I had to do it. A very important aspect of study skill is goal setting. Teach your children how to set goals let them understand that they also have a role and teach them what they need

4. Sacrifice is another skill we need to teach our children, unfortunately, these days our children can\’t sacrifice anything. Your children need to learn that they do not need to finish that game they are playing before they do something that is important to them, they need to learn to sacrifice things for the other. Excellence thrives on sacrifice; children would need to sacrifice from day one. Unfortunately, parents think we need to start flogging from day one, NO, you need to start teaching them skills from day one. I was teaching the parents in the inner circle in one of our sessions and we were teaching honor as a skill. You need to teach them to pay their dues, let them learn to sacrifice something for something. There is no one who actually just wakes up and because you\’re gifted then you produce fruits, that only happens if you are actually you know doing something. No matter how beautiful a seed it, if you do not plant it never germinates.

5.Another skill your child will need to learn is decision-making and problem-solving skills. Children without decision-making skills struggle to learn, do you know that how to make choices is a skill? If you do not teach your children how to make a choice be it good or bad, they will do nonsense out there. Decision-making skill is the ability to weigh pros and cons: you need to teach your children how to predict outcomes and determine the pro or cons of any decision they make. With the way we are parenting, we are shutting down our children\’s ability to make choices. Even when they are able to make those wrong choices that give us the chance to correct and help, we end up making a mess because we do not give them room to learn. When you plant a tree and you do not weed around it, the weeds will envelop that plant and it will be a mess. The ability for the child to make choices is a skill, for the child to look at an issue and then determine what the advantages and disadvantages are. Things as simple as allowing your children to wear clothes shoe clothes can be way with starting skills but many parents shut their children when they share an opinion. This continues to happen, so when they get to the point where they can make choices people still tell them the choices to make.

6. Another Skill is Responsibility. Responsibility is conscience-driven and you need to give your children age-appropriate responsibility per time. Any child you do not give appropriate responsibility will become irresponsible. Your child does nothing at home, yet you are wielding the cane-like your life depends on it. I see 13-year olds with no responsibility as att. We made choices because it\’s the right thing, for instance, dishes must be washed for them to be ready for the next meal. That is responsibility.

if you do not build these skills, we are building children who cannot keep jobs. For instance, being punctual to work is tied to being able to keep your job so even if you have a movie you will like to watch, you still have to make it to work in time. You need to teach your children the orchestrating role responsibility plays in their lives. They need to realistically learn the outcomes when responsibilities are not met. If children do live up to their responsibility and natural consequences are not informed, you are creating children who would become irresponsible. This is not a curse; it is the truth and if you do not do this, it backfires.

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In 2018, we started FREE PARENTING online Conferencing to bring intentional Parenting knowledge to more parents across the globe. That year, we had only 4 speakers, I call them the veterans of TIP CONFERENCE Taiwo Akinlami Eyitayo Iyortim Zee Obi and myself

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Let\’s Parent Today for Tomorrow

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©The Intentional Parent Academy ™

Poor or Ineffective parenting can be passed from generation to generation. Ineffective parenting can turn out to be a generational thing if not handled correctly. Many people at some point ask themselves these questions:

\”How do I know that I am parenting effectively?

“ What do I need to know to ascertain if I am actually on the right track?

\” A lot of parents have come to ask me these questions. They want to know if what they are doing is right or wrong.

I\’ve had parents say things like, \”but I\’m providing food, water, house, clothing, etc. What else do my kids want?\” All these are the minimum entry-level for parenting. Provision of  food, shelter and other financial obligations is just the least entry-level. Just like when you want to enter the University, you will need to start from the lowest level. This means that there is more to parenting than just the provision of food, shelter and other financial obligations.

I have explained to parents over and over again each time they come to me bearing the \’provider tag. The provider tag is just the cutoff point and the cutoff point initiates the beginning  of the real process. There are other things you need to know to parent effectively. I am going to share with you the things that you should look out for to determine if your parenting is effective or ineffective.

HOW DO I KNOW MY PARENTING MIGHT BE INEFFECTIVE?

1. Ineffective Parenting Tends To See Their Children\’s Behaviour As Willful And Manipulative:
If you are in the place where you are still thinking, \”oh, it\’s all about my children\”, \”oh, they are deliberately making me angry\”, \”oh, they know what they are doing.\” If this is you then it\’s a sign of ineffective parenting. This springs  from a lack of parenting tools. When you have no parenting tool, you feel your child is trying to intentionally hurt. Also, for this kind of parent, discipline has no structure. Anything goes!

2. Lack Of Balance.
Some parents will say \”My children are my life.\” \”My life revolves around my children.\” They have nothing else. They depend on their children all-around. Depending on children is just one extreme of the lack of balance. Another extreme is the lackadaisical attitude towards parenting. Such parents have no time to parent anybody. These are two extremes that are dangerous.Lack of balance is a sign that you are parenting ineffectively. Some parents say that they don\’t like to discipline their children or they don\’t like correcting them. While another set believes in hitting them hard. Everything is hard in their structure. The moment you can\’t strike a balance on your journey as a parent, it is a sign of ineffective parenting.

3. Unpredictability.The third sign of ineffective parenting is when you are unpredictable. Children do not thrive well in unpredictability. They get confused when they don\’t know what to do and what not to do. Some time ago, I was taking a class on learnt helplessness in the Inner circle program. I realised that parents create the concept of learnt helplessness with their children when they are unpredictable. The children don\’t know what to do, it looks more like they\’re walking on eggshells. They don\’t know how you will react when they open up to you, which leads to constant struggle on the part of the children.

4. No Consistency In Connection
As a parent, your number one priority is to connect with your children. A lot of parents think that they can parent effectively by buying their children off with gifts. Giving gifts will not take the place of connecting deeply with your children. Part of what we do at the inner circle is to get you and hold you accountable to become consistent with connection. I have discovered that connection is the bedrock of parenting.
I was in the church on Sunday when the teenagers asked some questions. They wrote on a piece of paper and passed it across to the facilitator. The questions that came in from the teenagers were overwhelming. The bottom line was that there was no connection between the teenagers and their parents.

Many parents refuse to connect to their children at a tender age which makes it more difficult to connect with their children when they grow older. So many children are struggling to talk to their parents. Our curve in the Inner circle program is connection. The moment you put the connection in your parenting journey, you have solved more than half of your problem.

One of the things that happen to parents who are not consistent with connection is that they begin to guilt parent. Guilt parenting makes you feel guilty for not being there which leads to buying your children off with gifts. Unfortunately, buying your children off does not work. Rather, it is a sign of ineffective parenting. Remember, children will only thrive in the face of true connection.

5. Self-Blaming: Another sign of ineffective parenting is that you blame yourself when your children have issues. When your child misbehaves the first thing that comes to your mind is, \”What will people say?\” \”People will say that I have not raised my chiildren well.\” If this is you then it is a sign that you are parenting ineffectively.
When your child has issues you tend to come down with self-blaming emotions on your child. No matter what it is that you feel about what happened, you just go ahead and hit on your child because you are parenting in a way that questions whatever it is that you are doing.
 
When you self-blame, you will make mistakes and you will get on your child with that feeling which brings about no learning on the part of the child. Your authority and power are what helps your child thrive. They are the real motivators of good behaviour in your child, not your child\’s sense of control because a child at some point does not even understand all of that.

6. Failing To Recognize The Examples You Are Setting.
Do you think that telling your children what to do right is an effective tool?
You say things like, \”I\’m telling my children what to do right.\” \”I\’m always teaching my children what they need to do.\” If you don\’t recognise the examples that you are setting then it\’s a sign of ineffective parenting.

For example, you\’re in your house and a friend calls you saying, \”Oh are you there? Are you on your way?\”
I\’m almost there, you replied. Whereas you\’re seated right in your home. Yet, you go back to your children, pounce on them and say that they are liars. When some parents come to me and complain about their children\’s bad behaviour. I smile because such parents have failed to recognise the example that they are setting. What example are you setting in your home? If you say it and you\’re not living the life you want your children to live, then you are setting your child up for the same way or even worse.

I was in the church over the weekend and I heard one of the questions that a young boy asked. He said, \”My father is always telling me not to have sex and live a life of purity, yet I know that he has a side chick. I laughed so hard that day. Who was the father deceiving because the boy saw the wrong example that the father was showing?

A particular nine-year-old said in one of the questions, \”My father is so unforgiving yet he preaches about forgiveness, he has refused to forgive my mother because of wrongdoing on my mother\’s part.\”

What examples are you setting as a parent? Your children see you bad-mouth and talk down on people, yet you want to have well-mannered and cultured children.Hypocrisy in parenting is one of the spoilers of your journey. Hypocrisy is telling your children to do as you say and not as you do. When you begin to tell your children to do as you say and not as you do then that\’s a sign of ineffective parenting.

7. Using Ineffective Disciplinary Tools:
Lack of tools will lead to ineffective parenting. You are going on a journey. A whole 18 years journey and you have nothing to support that journey.
What tools do you have on your journey? Parents often argue that they know what they are doing only for them to get stuck on the journey as a result of a lack of tools. Lack of tools is a sign of ineffective parenting.

One of the examples of the ineffective disciplinary tool is;
Yelling & Shaming: I\’ve had a lot of people underplay the effect of yelling on a child. I was in a session with a parent when she said to me, \”I have stopped yelling, but my children have become chronic yellers.\” She sees herself in her children daily as they have also become chronic yellers, they\’ve become so antagonistic and angry. She wondered how terrible she had been before now and wished she didn\’t make such a mistake in her life.

If you have a toddler or you are yet to have a child then this is the best time to learn. You can\’t begin to imagine errors that parents have made and fighting so hard to undo today. I tell a lot of parents in the inner circle who have little children that they should thank God for the information at their disposal..Human beings ought to operate at higher functions but they end up being just okay and on an average level because of the kind of disciplinary tools that were used.

The end goal of our parents was to raise children who could do better but the routine was wrong. There is a cost to bear for every wrongdoing. Sadly, the cost means turning out just okay, when we could have been better. I have been able to work with over 5,000 parents and everyone that comes across to me have a common faulty upbringing.
Shaming a child might lead to the child having issues with perfection or the child develops a fear for failure. Many people are afraid to try because they don\’t want to fail.


8. Withdrawing Affection & Attention: When you withdraw affection and attention from your child, you\’re simply telling your child that your love is conditional. Many of us have our love conditional; you love the child only when the child is doing your bidding, you love the child only when the child is a \’good\’ child.

Withdrawing affection from your child can also cause the child to have low self-esteem and codependency. Codependency is when a child begins to adapt to how you feel they should act. At every point in time, the child begins to act the way you want. Co-dependency leads to an abusive relationship, stop raising your children to have issues that they will need to deal with later in life.

9. Lack Of Routines, Structures And Boundaries:
A lot of parents allow their children to do whatever they like and when they have had enough, they will pull out the cane. This Is a sign of ineffective parenting. When you have routines, structures and boundaries and you stay consistent on them, your parenting begins to take a new shape. People come to me expressing their desire not to beat and yell at their children, so they let their children do whatever they like. I\’m always shocked at such parents. If your home lacks routines, structures and boundaries, then you\’re going to be relying on negative discipline. You will end up screaming and yelling.

If you parent without boundaries and structure, then it\’s a sign that you are parenting ineffectively
Your children need to learn certain skills. I have seen a lot of parents who are constantly flogging their children yet they complain about how their kids can\’t do anything. Ineffective parenting results in waiting until the child does something wrong, then you bring out the cane-This is not parenting. If you don\’t have routines, structures and boundaries, then you don\’t have discipline in your home. Discipline is in your ability to lead yourself. if you can\’t lead yourself then there is something wrong with the structure you\’ve created. If you don\’t have this kind of system, then you need to re-parent yourself and create that structure.
failed.Check your life, are there structures? Are you disciplined enough to push through your goals, tasks and assignments? If you can\’t answer these questions truthfully, then you need to reparent yourself.

10. Comparison:
When you\’re constantly comparing your children with their pairs, siblings and others, that\’s a sign that you lack tools. When you don\’t have tools to correct, you will begin to use tools that are not useful and you will end up comparing your children with others. The moment you have access to tools, you wouldn\’t need to compare your children with others. Having tools will help you stay on course.

Our Latest Guide  on how to build Structure around your parenting is now available. This guide will help you create Rules, Routines and Boundaries for your parenting journey. Get this Guide for 1,500 in 24hours or get it at 2,000

Get a copy here: https://selar.co/Structuredparentingguide (accepts all currencies )

Or Pay directly to Our Account : To get the Guide, pay 1500NGN , no longer N1,000 to 0509494057 (GTB). The Intentional Parent Academy, then send proof of payment through WhatsApp chat to 08129687040.

You can join our upcoming Course: \”Healing From Childhood Trauma\”
Register here: https://selar.co/Healingcourse
OFFLINE PAYMENT:
Pay 10,000NGN to 0509494057 (GTB). The Intentional Parent Academy, then send proof of payment through WhatsApp chat to 08034377085

By the way, you can catch a replay of this live session. It was all shades of lit.

https://anchor.fm/wendyologe

One of the errors Parents make today is to go about their parenting journey casually without developing needed skills.A lot of parents decide to wait before they start becoming intentional parents, but this is a problem because while they wait, the Child is growing.

So part of what we preach is that everyday matters as a parent.Two things happen when you are building a house, it\’s either you are building a mansion or a shanty, the same applies to parenting. It\’s either you are intentional or not, there are no sidelines.

Dear 21st century parent, to parent in this day and age you need to develop these skills that I will be listing out. Saying \”God forbid without a strategy\” is a failed plan. To raise the Gen Z\’s and Gen alpha\’s , these skills must be part and parcel of you. If you ready to go on this learning spree, let\’s dive Right in.

SKILLS NEEDED TO RAISE A 21ST CENTURY CHILD

1. Self leadership: Self leadership for parents is ability to lead yourself, and it is one of the things that adults struggle with. For you to raise a 21st century Child, you must be able to lead yourself. Being a leader is good but ability to show leadership is also important What is your self leadership quotient?

So ask yourself any skill I want to teach my child, so I have it?Before demanding from your Children ensure you also have it

1. Ability to focus on your Child\’s positive behaviour not just their negative behaviour: Whatever you keep laying emphasis on will grow,if you keep emphasing on what they they are doing wrong it becomes a subconscious thought and then the Child begins to internalise it.

The more you focus on the positive behavior you child gets better, the more you focus on the bad behavior it grows worse.if you can do this right, your ability to work on things becomes better.

1. Let your Children see you focusing on the needs of others: Part of my family values is the ability to help people, if your Child doesn\’t learn to help people they will not be fulfilled and fulfillment and happiness is one of basic needs of life. As they see you serve others, they will learn to serve.Parenting is in the works not just the words.
2. Improve your connection skills: Many parents think they are connected with their Children but in the real sense of it they are just being present. It\’s important you realise that connection is not being present for 24/7 but the ability to connect with content and tools. Connection in parenting is always quality over quantity. You cannot connect without content, it\’s in what you have to give. As a 21st century parent your connection goal must be tight.
3. Learn not to find yourself doing things for your Children: When you do things your Children should be able to do by themselves, it stops them from learning.I know that sometimes allowing children do tasks can be quite messy but you also need to realise that parenting is in the mess. If you are not ready to do the mess then you are not ready to parent. It is through the mess that you learn to teach.
4. Help your Children develop social skills: One of the classes we teach in the level 1 of the TIP inner circle is \” creating a social roadmap for the genzer\” One of the things I have realised in raising children in the 21 century is that teaching social skills has become important. Couple years back, there was no need teaching social skills but the times have changed. If you are not delebrate about building or developing social skills in this time, your Child will be lost and struggle.

You need to understand that for you to raise a well rounded Child, developing Social skills includes sharing, giving feedback,seeing things from others perspective, making eye contact and managing negative emotions.

7.Give them a sense of security:When we say security it goes beyond protecting your Child from harm and insecurity. Giving your Child a sense of security in this context means showing affection.

In giving your Child a sense of security you will need to treat them with respect, acknowledge their feelings, and set consistent boundaries, be approachable, remind them that you love them unconditionally, keep your promises, be dependent and trustworthy.

1. Develop resilience and perseverance: Angela Duckworth ,the author of Grit defines grit as perseverance and passion for long-term goals. It\’s been proven that, this is one of the most important traits that leads to success, research about success also indicates that grit is more important than IQ and a lot other factors.
2. Develop discipline skills: In developing discipline skills, you need to be fair, firm and friendly.
3. Develop your emotional intelligence skills:Emotional intelligence is a very vital skill and it is one skill that a lot of parents struggle with. But the truth is that all these other skills cannot work if you do not work on your emotions. Part of what will help you to embrace the messy part of parenting is to develop yourself emotionally.

There you have it, the 10 very important skills you need to develop to parent intentionally. If you notices through out this blog post, we didn\’t put much emphasis on your Child , the focus was solely on you the parent. Our mantra in the academy is that parenting is all about you and not your Child. So you will need to tell yourself that you are the one who needs work first and not your Children.

Perfection is not part of this parenting journey, you must be willing to be humble, humble to own up your process, humble to go through the mess.The journey becomes smoother when you tell yourself that you are the one that needs the work and not your child.

©The Intentional Parent Academy™

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Parenting in the digital age is a big deal , a lot of Parents have been bugged with the question of when they should give their children phones, as a parent Coach a lot of parents have also reached out to me to know when they should give their children a phone.

Before I give you any response, let me share some mind-blowing  statistics about Teenagers and their use of gadgets.
•62% of teenagers admit that they use their phones past bed time.
•77% admit to texting and chatting when they should be asleep.
•67% of teachers admit that today\’s teens are more distracted by smart phones all of the time.
•Only 15% of parents know their Child\’s online activities and habits.
•44% of teens have watched inappropriate things online and only 24%  of these Teena and aware of it.
•90% of Children aged 8- 16 have seen porn online
•70% of children who play games have accidentally seen porn online or doing their home work.
•The largest group.of porn consumers are children ages between 12- 17

No matter how bewildering these statistics are ,it\’s important that you still know that  , technology also has immense benefits for your child.

Whether you accept it or not technology is here to stay with us, so instead of living in denial, fear , anxiety that leads to a fire brigade approach when things go wrong as a result of handing over a phone to a Child who has not been prepared, go for knowledge.

Unfortunately I have seen parents gift their teens smart Phones for turning 13 or a certain age without any form of plan. It’s akin to giving your child a car to drive without teaching them how to drive.

IS YOUR CHILD TECH SOCIAL OR TECH SAVVY?
Before you hand over a phone to your Child you must understand that there are two types of internet users.
1. Tech Social
2. Tech Savvy

Tech Social users are people who use the internet for the purpose of entertainment, they are solely consumers of the internet.

While Tech Savvy users are people who learn tech in order to create solutions and become productive.

So the question would be , what kind of internet users do you want to raise \”a tech savvy child or a tech Social Child\’.

The most important question should be  what will  your Child be doing with that phone or tech gadget.

If you handed a phone to your Child without considering all I will be listing out in this blog post you need to rethink and retrieve it.

The focus of this blog post is not telling you when to give your Child a smart phone but what you must consider.

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WHAT TO CONSIDER BEFORE GIVING YOUR CHILD A PHONE

1. What is my reason for handing this phone to my child? Before handing a phone to your Child , you must look at a lot of parameters. What does this Child need this phone for? Is it for communication, assignment, leisure, productivity. Remember that when the purpose of a thing is not known, abuse is inevitable.

CHECKLIST TO CONSIDER BEFORE GIVING YOUR CHILD A SMART DEVICE

• How old is my child?
• What is Child\’s personality?
• Is my Child disciplined and self controlled?
• How independent is my Child?
• Do they respect limits set for them?
•What device is most appropriate for what your Child wants to do?
•How long will they use the phone?

2.CREATE A FAMILY VALUE SYSTEM
Sometime ago I had a coaching session with a Parent on  Social road map for your \”Gen z child, and one of the things I needed her to do was to create a family Value system that her Child is aware of.

The first thing every home must have is a written document in form of Family values. A family value plan is a document that contains the traditional or cultural values according to a particular family\’s structure, function, roles, beliefs, attitudes and ideals.

It must have the vision and mission of your family.It is one thing to have a value system and another thing for your Children to know about it.Whenever you hand a phone over to your Child , it is like giving them full on access to the world wide web(www). Family value system guides your Children.

3. Family Media Plan: It is a written working document that helps families navigate the digital world. With this you can customize guidelines on screentime ensuring that media use is in line with family values ( this is why you need to create a family values system.

Setting guidelines around media use is important and key.With guidelines in place, you have a launching pad for open and honest conversations about media use which are vital to raising tech-savvy children.

Your family media plan should be a working document and reviewed on a regular basis to keep it relevant. Make sure you get your child’s input if they are of speaking age, so they feel included in the plan that is surely going to impact them.
This Guide will help you:
•Monitor how your children use any gadget
•Help you set guidelines for media use in your home
•Protect Your Children from negative media influence

This personalised plan also helps your Children establish a healthy relationship with media including television , smartphones, computers and tablets.With a media plan , you are able to parent your Child\’s online life .

Many children are daily handed a gadget without these necessary steps that have been stated above and unfortunately this has increased the number of children who stumble on porn or even get addicted to porn.

To help you craft your family Media Plan, I have created an easy guide that will help you produce a working document that will help you parent your Child\’s online life.

To get the guide, place your order at http://Selar.co/familyMediaPlan or send a chat to http://Wendyologe.com/whatsapp