Tag: Temperament

Sometimes, I hear parents tell me what they plan to do for their children to attain academic success, and the things I hear are usually negative. This blog post will reveal to you the things you would never do and the things you should begin to do to position your child for academic success.

Things You Should not be Doing as You Prepare Your Child for Academic Success

1. Overemphasis on perfection: many times, when we talk about what we want for our children academically, we go with the expectation that we want our children to be the trophy children. In the mind of many parents, every one of their children is a trophy child, and so they want to make their children into trophy children. This is the reason for parents pushing pressure when they do things like paying for exams or “miracle centres.” It also serves the ego of the parent when parents brag about the performance of their children in their exams. This will never help a child plus that’s a wrong way to motivate children to excel academically. Doing this means that you are pushing the perfection narrative, thereby creating unnecessary stress while also hindering the confidence that the child should have. There is increased anxiety, there is increased fear of failure. One of the advantages you can give to your child as a parent is to have expectations from your child. Yes because it has been proven that children with high parental expectations perform better. Nonetheless, the problem we have is being able to balance the expectations so that it’s without pressure. You can have high expectations as a parent without creating those undue pressures that could kill the child. Note that it is a parenting advantage to create high expectations for your children and communicate with them; however, you must ensure that your expectation is communicating the right thing. One of the problems is that you create expectations but you have no system put in place for your child to achieve it. I’m not referring to the system of extramural lessons but the skills that you have impacted the child. While expectations are great, overemphasis on perfection will make it ineffective. Expectations are not about perfection, nor about progress, but about process. Encourage your children to advance and grow at their own pace. When we set expectations, we offer our children the opportunity to meet challenges with confidence. Apart from these, all you’ll be doing is putting undue pressure on the child. I am not saying that you should not have expectations of your children. If you don’t, you will make a mess of the process. Parental expectations are one of the most important things your child needs to succeed in school. Choosing perfection can often cloud the joy of learning.
2. Neglecting emotional and social needs. Ignoring the social and emotional needs of your child can affect their academic success. Some parents find that their child, who had been an A-grade child in primary school, gets to secondary and begins to struggle. The first question I ask is, “How old is the child?” This is because there is a lot of pressure that comes to underage children in school. It is an act of wickedness to take a child who is underage into a class they are not supposed to be in. They may not even struggle academically, but they have real emotional pressures. Some of these children end up withdrawing or they lack motivation.
3. Inconsistent routines and expectations. Once you have inconsistent routines, don’t expect academic success. Many times, when school resumes, parents tend to take away the children’s chores and other routines at home because of the academic workload. You must understand, however, that consistency is the bedrock of academic success. You don’t need to be smart-headed to make a first class. All you need is structures and routines. This is so because a structured environment fosters growth. An inconsistent routine leads to disorganisation and missed opportunities. It’s also the reason you yell in the morning – inconsistent routines and inconsistent expectations. Children thrive in predictability, not inconsistency. I say that unpredictability is the enemy of parenting – it causes chaos.
4. Overloading extracurricular activities. Excessive after-school activities lead to a child being burnt out and can impact negatively on their academic process. You don’t need extra lessons for your child to excel. Some skills need to be built into the child that will make that happen. Overloading the child will make them lack important skills like social skills which they need to make money later in life. It causes stress, fatigue and decreased focus on even the school activities.

What do you do

1. Set clear expectations and goals. Remember that expectations are an important part of your journey, and ensure you communicate these expectations. Don’t just stay and assume that your children know your expectations. Sit down and outline these expectations – study habits, time management, what to learn and so on. Our parents had expectations of us, and that was brilliant, but, the problem was communication of the expectations. It wasn’t there.
2. Foster strong communication skills. Ensure you have a relationship with the teachers and that your children have an open system of dialogue with you. Until you start asking your child the right questions, their performance might remain where it is. Get involved in your child’s school activities in different ways.
3. Teach study skills. Beginning with maths skills, your children need to learn to do well in maths and become great problem solvers; we have time management, mental arithmetic, numeracy skills, quantitative reasoning and critical thinking skills. Instead of giving children more maths to solve, your question should be, “How do I improve maths skills?” focus on the core concepts of mathematical skills and logical reasoning. Introduce your children to study skills no matter their age. Improve the study system of your child and your child will improve – in every area. Instead of working for your child to improve, work with them. Teach them how to break big tasks into smaller tasks and how to get things done without being overwhelmed. Desist from scaffolding your child. Teach them the right skills to thrive in the world. We are no longer in the industrial era where school certificate is everything, we are now in the knowledge era. Therefore you need to understand how to revolutionise your child’s schooling to align with the era we are in. If not, your child will struggle.

Join the back to school masterclass 4.0 as we delve deeper into these topics. You’d learn how to choose your child’s school, how to build their study skills and so much more.

BACK TO SCHOOL MASTERCLASS IS HERE!!!

Do you know? With just #6,999 Zero Kobo you can get our Back to School Bundle + mouth watering benefits?

Oh Yes! Here are benefits attached: 1. Free New Parent-Teacher Guide ( Worth #2,000) 2. Free Parent-Teacher Master Class- Reviewed (worth #10,000) 3. The complete Back to School Bundle ( worth #10,000). And that’s not all. You don’t want to miss our: • BACK TO SCHOOL AFFIRMATION PACK • PARENT SCHOOL SUPPORT TEMPLATE • SCHOOL ROUTINE PLANNER • MEAL PLANNER and More what are you waiting for? REGISTER NOW To enjoy BACK to SCHOOL packages:

How To Register: PAY #6,999($7) to 0509494057 (GT BANK), THE INTENTIONAL PARENT ACADEMY. Make sure you send proof of payment via whatsapp to +234 703 639 3160 or 0903 663 3600 Or Complete registration online using this link https://theintentionalparentacademy.selar.co/BacktoSchool2024Why This Bundle? This bundle is more than just a set of tools—it’s your roadmap to a well-organized, stress-free, and successful school year. Whether you’re preparing your child for their first day of school, transitioning to boarding school, or simply looking to streamline your daily routines, this bundle has you covered.

Traumatic experiences happen to more people than we can ever imagine. The problem is that, most people don’t even understand what is happening to them, while a greater number tends to shy away from having this conversation.

Numbing your feelings will not end the traumatic experiences you had. Work on yourself. Deal with your trauma before it destroys you. To do these, you will have to identify the signs of trauma first. In today’s blogpost I will be sharing with you some traumatic signs you should look out for and how you can begin to heal.

When discussing trauma, many of us may not recognize that we carry its burden. There’s often a reluctance to speak ill of our parents, as we attribute their actions to good intentions. But how can we identify childhood trauma? Here are the signs:

1. Bad posture: Many of us slump or hunch over when sitting down. This posture, often associated with shame, is a protective stance. Chronic shame, experienced during childhood, can manifest in these physical mannerisms. If you notice a child consistently slouching, lowering their shoulders and eyes, it may indicate underlying shame. In past decades, shame was frequently used as a disciplinary tool in parenting. Bedwetting, for instance, was misunderstood, leading to unjustified shame. Adults who appear shy may actually be shielding themselves from feelings of shame. Despite its prevalence, childhood trauma is often overlooked, leading to shutdowns in discussions.

If you grew up in the 80s or 90s, consider attending a healing class, as unresolved issues from that era may still affect you. Trauma isn’t just about what happened; it’s also about what should have happened but didn’t. Many of us were prematurely burdened with adult responsibilities.

2. People-pleasing: Those with chronic trauma often seek acceptance and love by constantly trying to please others. They struggle with setting boundaries and find it hard to say no, and rejection is particularly difficult for them to handle. Many people struggle to decline unnecessary requests, feeling pressured to meet expectations, especially during personal or familial celebrations. While these gestures may seem positive, the underlying motivation can be traced back to trauma responses.

3. Hyper vigilance: Children who have experienced trauma may exhibit hypervigilance, constantly scanning their surroundings for potential threats even in safe environments. Overprotective parenting, stemming from the parents’ unresolved trauma, is common. This can manifest in a reluctance to let children play outside or venture out unaccompanied. Exaggerated startle responses, difficulty relaxing, and restless behavior are all indicators of unresolved trauma. Overparenting, often mistaken for love, can lead to entitlement issues in children. Sacrifice is an essential aspect of parenting, but it shouldn’t be equated with suffering. Learning to prioritize and sacrifice effectively is key to healthy parenting.

4. Dissociation is a coping mechanism where children disconnect from traumatic experiences. This can manifest in various ways, such as feeling detached from oneself or the world, experiencing numbness or memory lapses, or merely observing life without actively engaging in it. It’s essential to address any numbness or detachment towards the caregivers, as unresolved issues can impact future generations.

5. Self-sabotage: Those who have experienced trauma often harbor negative self-beliefs and engage in self-destructive behaviors. These behaviors may include substance abuse, unhealthy eating habits, difficulty in achieving goals, sabotaging relationships, and engaging in risky behaviors. Harsh self-criticism and an inability to extend grace to oneself are common traits. It’s crucial to recognize these patterns and seek healing to break the cycle of self-sabotage.

6. Perfectionism: Perfectionism is another common sign of childhood trauma. The relentless pursuit of flawlessness, coupled with self-blame for any perceived failures, can hinder personal growth and parenting effectiveness. Embracing imperfection is essential for both personal well-being and effective parenting.

7. Avoidance of emotional intimacy: Childhood trauma can also manifest as an avoidance of emotional intimacy, making it challenging to form deep connections with others. Addressing unresolved issues with parental figures is crucial for achieving emotional intimacy in adulthood.

8. Difficulty with emotional regulation: Children who have experienced trauma often struggle with regulating their emotions, leading to mood swings, intense emotions, and difficulty expressing or suppressing emotions. Seeking healing and accountability are essential steps in overcoming these challenges.

To embark on a journey of healing, consider enrolling in a trauma-focused program or seeking therapy. By addressing childhood trauma, not only will you experience personal growth and healing, but you’ll also create a more nurturing environment for future generations.

We opened up registration at the Academy “Healing From Parenting Hurt” to help you get over these hurts for the sake of your children. We have an offer you can cash in on NOW! Yes a 50% Discount from original Fee of #30,500 ($23) 

So you get to Pay #15,500 instead of #30,500

We must become better for our children. Dealing with childhood trauma is a complex but necessary process. Through therapy, you can overcome childhood trauma. You can raise happy and healthy families, be productive citizens, and have a fulfilling life.

At the Healing From Parenting Hurt session, we will be helping you with the process, so you can take your life back again. We have helped almost 5,000 parents on their healing journey. 

Are you hurting? Time doesn’t change anything, it’s what we do with time that makes a change. Enrol today and start your healing journey 

To register for the Healing from Childhood Trauma Course, pay #15,500 to 0509494057 (GT Bank). The Intentional Parent Academy and send proof of payment through WhatsApp chat to 0903 663 3600

You can also register online here: https://selar.co/Healingcourse

“The most important classroom for your child isn’t within the four walls of a school; it’s right within your home, guided by you—the parent. This means you are the primary and most influential teacher in your child’s life. This blog post aims to address questions such as, ‘How am I the most important teacher?’ and ‘How can I step into this role, even if I’m a career person or an entrepreneur who has never set foot in a classroom except to pick up my child?’

As the first and most significant teacher for your child, you hold a key role in their academic success, growth, and lifelong learning. One of the gravest mistakes parents make on their journey is relinquishing total control of their child’s learning to the school. This often stems from ignorance prevailing over other reasons.

Parents often believe that finding the best schools and paying hefty fees absolve them of further responsibility. However, it’s crucial to recognize that paying school fees is merely the bare minimum in parenting; active involvement constitutes the lion’s share of the responsibility.

Research indicates that parental involvement is the primary predictor of a child’s academic success. As your child’s number one teacher, you are uniquely positioned to identify challenges and implement solutions within your parenting journey. You can recognize your child’s strengths, areas of growth, and tailor their educational experiences to match their unique learning style and pace.

For instance, if a child struggles with focus, the primary responsibility to assist them lies not with the school, but with the parent who can integrate solutions into their parenting approach.

Being your child’s number one teacher also allows you to understand their strengths and areas for improvement, enabling you to customize their educational experiences accordingly. Often, when parents think of involvement, they limit it to helping with homework, paying fees, and attending PTA meetings. Let’s delve deeper into these roles.”

Roles of Parents as the Number One Teacher:

1 . Emotional Anchor: Parents serve as the emotional support system for their children, providing encouragement and creating a safe space for learning and development. This emotional stability is essential for enabling children to thrive academically.

2. Modeling Behavior: Children are natural imitators, often mimicking the behaviors they observe in their parents. Therefore, it’s crucial for parents to exhibit positive behaviors that can influence their child’s academic journey. By demonstrating habits such as reading, curiosity, and perseverance, parents can instill valuable traits in their children that contribute to academic success.

3. Creating a Suitable Learning Environment: Beyond the physical aspects of the home environment, such as comfortable furniture and study areas, parents must cultivate an atmosphere conducive to learning. This involves modeling behaviors that support academic growth, such as limiting screen time and fostering a culture of curiosity and exploration. A cognitively, emotionally, and psychologically supportive environment is vital for a child’s educational development.

4. Advocacy: Parents play a crucial role as advocates for their children within the educational system. This includes ensuring that their child’s voice is heard and respected in the school environment, advocating for inclusivity, and supporting teachers to facilitate their child’s learning journey effectively. Parental involvement in advocating for their child’s needs can significantly impact their educational experience.

5. Foundational Learning: The home serves as the first environment for a child’s learning journey. During the formative years, typically ages one to five, children absorb vast amounts of information and develop critical skills. Parents are instrumental in laying the foundation for their child’s future academic success during this crucial period. Investing time and effort in early childhood education, even before formal schooling begins, sets the stage for a lifetime of learning.

How a Parent can Align with their Role as number one Teacher

1. Create a Supportive Learning Environment: Establishing routines and consistency is essential beyond just providing a study room or a well-stocked library. Consistency in setting study schedules helps children identify dedicated times for learning. Fostering a positive attitude towards learning is crucial as negative attitudes from parents can inadvertently affect children’s perceptions. Parents should actively model lifelong learning by showcasing enthusiasm for acquiring knowledge, sharing personal interests, hobbies, and experiences, and emphasizing the value of continuous personal development. Making learning enjoyable by integrating elements of play, creativity, and excitement into educational activities can significantly enhance children’s learning experiences, particularly during their early developmental stages.

2. Communication and Collaboration with the School: Many parents tend to have a transactional relationship with their child’s teacher, only engaging when there are complaints or negative feedback. However, it’s vital for parents to establish open lines of communication and collaboration with the school. Beyond addressing concerns, parents should proactively share insights about their child’s learning strengths, temperament, and effective strategies observed at home. Collaborating with teachers not only helps address immediate concerns but also fosters an environment where the child can thrive. Additionally, feedback from teachers provides valuable insights into a child’s behavior and performance within the classroom setting, helping parents adjust their parenting approach accordingly.

 3 . Fostering a positive attitude towards learning, particularly in subjects like mathematics, is crucial for a child’s academic development. Often, parents’ own apprehensions about certain subjects can unintentionally influence their children. For instance, if a parent expresses uncertainty or reluctance when confronted with a math problem, whether verbally or through non-verbal cues, the child may interpret this as a sign that math is difficult or undesirable.

However, parents have the power to change this narrative and cultivate a positive relationship with math for their child. Instead of conveying doubt or negativity, parents can adopt an attitude of encouragement and resilience when faced with math-related challenges. By demonstrating a willingness to tackle problems and learn alongside their child, parents can instill confidence and enthusiasm for math.

4. Make learning fun: Making learning fun is essential for engaging children and fostering a positive attitude towards education. Many parents perceive learning at home as tedious and authoritarian, resembling a military-like environment with excessive rules and threats. However, by embracing the concept of making learning enjoyable, parents can create a vibrant atmosphere that encourages curiosity, creativity, and enthusiasm in their child’s educational journey.

Incorporating elements of play, creativity, spontaneity, and enjoyment into learning experiences can significantly enhance a child’s engagement and retention of information. Children naturally thrive when activities are emotionally stimulating and enjoyable for them. By infusing learning with fun and excitement, parents can create an environment where their child feels motivated to explore, experiment, and discover.

5. Leverage Everyday Activities for Learning Opportunities:

  Intentionally integrate learning into your child’s daily routines. Everyday activities provide numerous opportunities for learning and skill-building. For example, during mealtime, you can teach math skills, etiquette, and social development. Engage your child in basic math operations during meal preparation, and encourage critical thinking and spatial awareness during trips or walks. Chores such as washing clothes, sorting laundry, setting the table, and sweeping can also be maximized for learning opportunities.

6. Make the Most of Their Play Time:

   Encourage active play, especially activities involving cardio exercises like jumping and running. According to educational neuroscientists, such activities trigger the release of hormones that aid in neural connections, enhancing cognitive development. Playtime is crucial for building neural connections and fostering a deeper understanding of concepts.

7. Support Literacy and Numeracy Development:

 Early childhood and primary education in Nigeria prioritize permanent numeracy and literacy skills, along with critical thinking and effective communication. It’s essential to ensure your child develops strong foundational skills in numeracy and literacy to support future learning. By age five, children should be proficient in basic math operations and number work, as well as capable of independent reading. Encourage reading at home from an early age to build vocabulary and comprehension skills. Additionally, integrate math into everyday activities to enhance critical thinking and problem-solving skills. Limit screen time and prioritize activities that promote cognitive development, such as walks, car rides, and baking, which provide ample opportunities to teach spatial awareness and mathematical concepts.

The long-awaited learning style course went live this week and the feedback, enthusiasm, and joy in the learning hubs show that the learning style course is a total liberation for families. The testimonials coming in are like a one-year course progressive.

Want to join this transformative course, reach out to our team on 0903 663 3600. Have you registered for the Learning Style Course yet?

To enroll, simply visit:

To register for the Learning Style Course, complete the payment of N15,500 to Bank: GTBank Account Number: 0509494057 Account Name: The Intentional Parent Academy or pay online: https://theintentionalparentacademy.selar.co/Learningstylecourse2024

In a study by Stanford University, researchers found that intrinsically motivated students, that is, students who had genuine interest and enjoyment in learning consistently outperformed their peers who lacked adequate motivation. One striking example was seen in a group of elementary pupils who participated in a science project. Those pupils who were intrinsically motivated, that is to say, those pupils who were curious, who desired to understand the topic, completed the concept with higher quality retained the knowledge, and consolidated it a lot better than people who needed to be externally motivated.

This blog is geared towards answering the question of what I can do to motivate my child. What can I do for my child to be intrinsically motivated? A good number of learners do not think or consider the importance of studying until there is an exam facing them. The truth is that the rule of learning states that there is a need for enough interaction with the subject matter.

The concept of motivation as regards learning, is the inner intrinsic drive or desire that compels an individual to engage and participate in educational tasks. We have intrinsic motivation which is driven by internal factors such as curiosity, enjoyment, desire, self-motivation, and self-regulation. Extrinsic motivation is the weakest form of motivation, though it can be used to spur learners. Extrinsic motivation is the weakest because it is dependent on external factors and in a case where it is not available the learner will procrastinate, and defer learning.

Why Learners are Unmotivated.

1. Lack of relevance. Many learners struggle to see and identify the relevance and importance of what they are learning in their lives.
   
   
2. The fear of failure. For many children, instead of the fear of failure spurring them, it demotivates them because a child who consistently struggles with a concept will be unmotivated. They think, “I did this thing last time and I failed it, so why should I now try again?
3. The lack of self-efficacy and self-confidence. When children do not believe in themselves and do not have confidence in their ability, when they have a fixed mindset that says, intelligence is fixed, they begin to relinquish the ability to succeed in learning to the people whom they consider as high flyers forgetting that learning is not fixed, but it is transcendent meaning if you do the work, you get the prize.
4. Lack of self-mastery. Your child’s temperament can affect their motivation, not just in learning, but also in their study patterns, the way they navigate life, chores and so on. Temperaments have their strengths and weaknesses. For some children, the weakness of their personality and temperament is that they lack motivation and need external motivation to motivate them. Another factor is that the parents of these children would like to use fear and threat to motivate that child meanwhile the personality of that child is averse to those triggers you are using to motivate the child. 
5. Learning difficulty. When a child finds it difficult to learn, it could be a major reason why they are demotivated. For instance, imagine you move to another country that speaks a different dialect than you, and there is no Google Translate, to help you understand. How will you feel? It’s the same way your child struggles to understand when there is a lack of understanding of a concept. If your child is unmotivated, you must check if they have learning difficulties or disabilities.

Tools For Motivating Your Unmotivated Child

1. Understanding the relationship between motivation and personality. Motivation and personality cannot be separated, they are interrelated. We have the extroverted child, as well as the introverted child. The way to motivate the extroverted child will be different from the introverted child. One of the ways to motivate an extroverted child is to find a way to tactfully use external motivation because they are motivated by extroversion and socialism. They just want to be out there. If you are not intentional, the extroverted child will struggle to learn. There are certain tools you can use to help an extroverted child like a peer coaching system, which is a system of accountability for example having a friend who would always call them to study. For the conscientious and introverted children – the self-aware, melancholy perfectionist children, one of the ways to motivate them is to set goals for them. They are willing to go through anything to reach that goal. The strong-willed learners love novelty and innovation. They are driven by curiosity. They are easily bored as they love teachers who are kinesthetic in their teaching. For this kind of child, their learning process must be innovative. Teach them skills like mind maps, highlighting, and annotation. For the agreeable learners who just want peace, you would need to employ extrinsic motivation while you work towards intrinsic motivation. The intrinsic motivation for these learners will be dependent on your parenting skills because they are usually laid back. They naturally lack that internal push so parents must intentionally use extrinsic tools on their way to building their self-regulation.

2. Equip them with study skills. Overwhelming workload load and distractions can be a demotivation to children. Study skills are very important for every child, every personality, every age group and learning style. Study skills include skills such as:

Spaced repetition – When a child studies this way, according to the neuroscience of retention which states that a lot of times when an individual has studied a material for a while it would take that person a period of deep sleep for permanent learning. Before knowledge is consolidated, the repetition in the memory must be constant. You can’t space repeat if you are reading only to pass an exam. For a 13-week school term, for example, a child who studies from week 1 would achieve more learning than one who just began to read when it was exam time.

How to help achieve this is to set a study time table, a schedule that incorporates a regular review season which will enforce learning and enhance long term retention.

Utilise a multisensory approach. We already know that we have different learning styles, learning strengths and  we have different intelligences according to the theory of multiple intelligence so learning is not a one size fits all approach. That’s why one of the greatest philosophers said that if you judge a fish by its ability to fly, it would spend its whole life thinking it was an idiot. Multisensory approaches must be tampered according to their learning styles. 

Another study skill is practice retrieval. This involves actively retrieving information from your memory through testing and self quizzes. This is the concept that mock exams emphasise on. What this does is that it helps strengthen the memory retrieval and doing this enhances long term memory. Whatever concept your child studies, get them to practise questions on their own. You may also get them to assume the role of a teacher whereby they come back to teach you the concept they just learnt. This is where peer mentorship and collaborative learning come in handy because the child takes the role of the teacher and as they try to teach each other they try to remember, demystify it and break it down in such a way that would enable them to teach another person. After that session, learning has happened. 

3. Create a supportive learning environment. Your child is not motivated to learn because they lack a supportive learning environment both in school and at home.

4. Intentionally foster a growth mindset. One of the ways to achieve this would be by emphasising on efforts rather than grades. To motivate your child you need to shift your reinforcement from focusing on their grades to their effort. Because a child could put in 100 percent effort and come out with a 60 per cent result, and the reverse is also true. So indeed, exams are not a true test of knowledge. Because you criticise a child’s grade, and not effort, the child gets demotivated and decides not to make any more effort in the future since his last effort was neither noticed nor praised. By praising efforts, you inculcate a growth mindset into them which motivates learning.

Have you seen our facilitator list for the upcoming course on “Understanding Your Child’s Learning Style”? With a team comprising a parent coach, clinician/autism professional, and a learning coach, this course is going to equip you with the necessary knowledge to understand and support your child’s learning journey.

Only 4 days left until the start of the 2024 Cohort of the “Understanding Your Child’s Learning Style Course”! Don’t miss out!

Understanding Your Child’s Learning Style Course 2024 offers a completely revamped curriculum and experience. We started running the “Understanding Your child’s learning style” course in 2018 and over the years, we have trained over 10,000 parents to understand how their children learn.

I remember at the very first batch a particular parent said to me “Coach Wendy I wish I attended this course some 20 years ago, some of the challenges I had with my son won’t have had it.”

To join the learning style course starting in 6 days time, pay N15,500 to 0509494057 (GTB) The Intentional Parent Academy. Send proof to 09036633600. 

Register Online Here 

https://theintentionalparentacademy.selar.co/Learningstylecourse2024

Do you know the amazing thing? You get a 25% discount if you pay before the 24th of March. So instead of paying N20,500, you get to pay only N15,500.

Offer valid till March 24th, 2024.

Do you struggle with disciplining your children? Do you feel like you are always nagging, yelling, or punishing them, but nothing seems to work? Do you wish you could raise your children to be self-motivated, responsible, and confident?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, then this blog post is for you. In this post, I will share what true discipline involves and how to go about it. Many parents struggle with how to discipline their children effectively and positively. Some parents resort to shouting, hitting, or other harsh methods that can harm the child’s mental and physical health. But there is a better way: positive discipline.

Positive discipline is a parenting approach that focuses on teaching and guiding your child, not punishing or controlling them. It is based on building a loving and supportive relationship with your child, setting clear and reasonable expectations, and reinforcing good behavior. It is also about being responsible and respectful and modeling the skills and values you want your child to learn.

Here are some key points to remember about positive discipline:

• Discipline is a parent’s responsibility, not a child’s problem. You need to provide structure and guidance for your child, not yell or hit them.
• Discipline is about building your child’s skills, not expressing your feelings. You need to control your emotions and act calmly and rationally, not let anger or frustration take over.
• Discipline is about connecting with your child, not criticizing them. You need to praise and encourage your child, not belittle or blame them.
• Discipline is about responding to your child’s needs, not reacting to their behavior. You need to think before you act, and choose the best way to handle the situation, not just react impulsively or emotionally.
• Discipline is about having conversations with your child, not giving corrections. You need to communicate with your child, not lecture or scold them.
• Discipline is about providing content for your child, not imposing control. You need to offer meaningful and engaging activities for your child, not just tell them what to do or not to do.
• Discipline is about fostering growth in your child, not causing destruction. You need to help your child develop self-discipline, responsibility, cooperation, and confidence, not damage their self-esteem, trust, or happiness.

Many parents struggle with how to discipline their children effectively and positively. Some parents resort to shouting, hitting, or other harsh methods that can harm the child’s mental and physical health. But there is a better way: positive discipline.

In my book, The Discipline Is Not an Emergency, order a copy here , I wrote a note to parents and I said: “A seed grows with no sound, but a tree falls with a huge noise. Destruction is noisy. If your discipline strategy on your parenting journey is noisy, it means that it is destructive. Do not create drama that gives your children trauma in their lives. If your discipline is creating drama, that is not the right kind of discipline.”

Is your discipline creating drama? Aggression is not discipline, it is destruction. When we talk about discipline, a lot of people come to me and say, “Oh, you know, I just do what my parents did. If you are not aggressive to the child, the child will not listen.” No, you have just programmed your child to only listen to you when you are aggressive, and that is not the solution. You are not creating the right environment for your child. You are destroying it.

This is why we need to change the way we think about discipline. Discipline is not about what we do to our children, but what we do with them. Discipline is not about how we feel, but how we build. Discipline is not about how critical we are, but how connected we are. Discipline is not about reactions, but responses. Discipline is not about corrections, but conversations. Discipline is not about control, but content. Discipline is not about destruction, but growth.

STEPS FOR POSITIVE DISCIPLINE

1. SELF DISCIPLINE: The first and most important strategy for positive discipline is self-motivation. Self-motivation is the ability to do something without external pressure or reward. It is the inner drive that makes you want to learn, grow, and achieve. Self-motivation is essential for developing self-discipline, responsibility, cooperation, and confidence.

Why is Self-Motivation Essential for Discipline?

Unfortunately, many of us were not taught self-motivation as a skill. We were taught to fear punishment or seek approval from others. We were taught to depend on external factors to motivate us, rather than finding our intrinsic motivation. We were taught to react, rather than respond. We were taught to criticize, rather than connect. We were taught to control, rather than create.

When we discipline our children with self-motivation, we help them:

• Understand the why behind their actions and decisions
• Align their behavior with their values and goals
• Develop a positive and growth mindset
• Build a trusting and respectful relationship with us
• Become independent and confident learners and leaders

How to Teach Self-Motivation to Your Children?

One of the key steps to self-motivation is to clarify your why. Why are you doing what you are doing? Why do you want your child to do what you want them to do? When you and your child understand the why behind your actions and decisions, you are more likely to be motivated by your values and goals, rather than by fear or pressure.

In my book, The Discipline That Works, you can order a copy here , I wrote extensively about self-motivation and how to teach it to your children. I also shared some examples of how my children applied the lessons they learned from me in different situations. They were able to think for themselves and make smart choices because they knew the why behind their actions. If you want to learn more about how to teach your children self-motivation and positive discipline, you can check out my book, The Discipline That Works. You can also join the Inner Circle, where I share more tips and insights on parenting and personal development. Book a slot for the 2025 cohort of the Inner Circle Program here

HOW TO  ENCOURAGE SELF-MOTIVATION IN YOUR CHILD?

In my book, I shared the 4M’s approach: mastery, mindset, modeling, and motivation

MASTERY: Mastery is about setting achievable goals and providing opportunities for skill development. Part of mastery is self-confidence. You need to build your child’s confidence in what you’re teaching. Your self-confidence rubs off on your child. Your children can sense when you’re not confident about your parenting journey. They call it BBT: born before technology. They think you don’t know what you’re talking about. You’re providing information, not wisdom. But they don’t need information, it’s everywhere on Google. They need wisdom. Parenting today is about wisdom. Without wisdom, you will be unstable. The Bible says that wisdom and knowledge shall be the stability of our times.

MINDSET: This is about creating the mindset for self-motivation. Part of it is positive self-talk and the growth mindset. A few days ago, I taught the parents in the inner circle how to avoid becoming praise junkies. Some of us have become praise junkies to our children. We constantly say, “You’re perfect, you’re the best.” We think that’s how to build self-esteem. But that’s not true. You need to affirm your children, not praise them. Praise should not be about you but about them. When children consistently seek approval for their decisions, they fall into the praise trap. I’m going to share more about this with the parents in the academy. One clear sign of being a praise junkie is when children consistently seek approval for the decisions that they make. Of course, they have been conditioned to do so. You need to break free from the praise trap. Praise should not be vague and insincere.

Children understand abilities and qualities better when we praise them for their efforts, not their traits. Growth mindset says that we should praise the process that the child goes through, such as “Wow, you’ve put a lot of work into this and look at the results. If you try it this way, you might get even better. You can see that the more you work hard, the more you succeed.” That’s a growth mindset. It encourages the child to learn and improve. A fixed mindset, on the other hand, says things like “You’re a very smart child.” That’s harmful. It tells the child that they have a fixed amount of intelligence and that’s it. It puts the child in a box and limits their potential. That’s a fixed mindset. You can read more about the difference between growth and fixed mindsets and how to foster a growth mindset in yourself and others. I also talked about modeling and motivation and shared some stories that can help you.

• Modelling
• Motivation

2. Overcoming common obstacles

Maintaining discipline in every area of your life is challenging, and you’re bound to encounter obstacles along the way. One of the strategies that you need to develop is to identify and address those obstacles. What are the common obstacles that you face when it comes to discipline?

3. Lack of focus: Distractions, lack of concentration, and difficulty paying attention can all interfere with your discipline. Nowadays, a lot of children are struggling with focus. So some of the problems that you’re dealing with are not just about the child’s behavior, but about the underlying obstacle of focus. It’s not necessarily about what the child has done or hasn’t done. So you look at a child who has lost focus and is struggling to stay on task. Of course, it’s going to affect their performance and behavior. So the problem is that you’re majoring in the minor and minoring in the major. You’re chasing the child and shouting and panting and doing all of that, meanwhile the child is coming from another angle. Lack of focus is an obstacle, and it’s not going to change until you deal with it.

3. Fear of failure: When it comes to discipline, fear of failure, negative self-talk, self-doubt, and anxiety can all erode your discipline by sapping your motivation. The child has internalized a negative message about themselves and their abilities. Many of us struggle with discipline because we have that fear of failure. We can’t try, we can’t do things, we’re so afraid. So one of the things that our discipline did to us, what our parents did to us, was that they sold us fear. They did not sell us a skill called discipline. They did not teach us how to cope with failure and learn from it. They did not help us develop a growth mindset. So that’s why we’re afraid. We don’t know how to stay on track and build on that skill in the face of fear. It’s an obstacle, and it’s a big one. So stop raising children who live in fear, because according to you, you want to prove that you’re the lion parent, you want to prove that you can control everything. But you can’t. You can only guide and support your child to overcome their fears and grow their discipline.

4. Lack of time management: Time management is a crucial skill for discipline, and many children don’t know how to manage their time effectively. So you get angry, you get angry and say “Why did you do this? Why didn’t you do that?” But if you understand what discipline means, you would not raise a child without building their time management skills. Any child you raise without building their skills is not going to be able to thrive in life. Parenting is about skills building, not instilling fear.

When you don’t look at the obstacles to discipline, you’re going to be stuck and frustrated. And it all comes from your definition of discipline. If you see discipline as a skill that you can learn and practice, then you can overcome the obstacles that prevent you from building that skill.

Ever wished for better connections, deeper understanding, and a more fulfilling life as a parent or even in your relationships?

Join our Emotional Intelligence Course and embark on a journey of self-discovery and personal growth.

Why Join?

Unlock the secrets to navigating emotions, enhancing relationships, and achieving success in both personal and professional spheres. This isn’t just a course; it’s your key to a happier, more connected life.

What You’ll Gain:

Practical skills for real-life application

Supportive community for shared insights

Expert guidance from seasoned facilitators

Ready to transform?

To join the Becoming an Emotionally Intelligent Parent course, pay N20,500 ($23) to 0509494057 (GTB Bank). The Intentional Parent Academy and send proof of payment through WhatsApp chat to 09036633600.

You can register online here

Today\’s blog post is one that I am particularly excited about. So buckle up your seatbelts because you are in for a ride.

Understanding yourself as a parent is one of the first prerequisites for effective parenting but let’s start by answering these questions:

•Did you get married with the intent of, \’I have just reached the age of marriage so having kids is the next step.
•Were you prepared to have a child?
• Did you ask the right questions before you started having children?
I guess not many of you will answer yes to these questions.

One of the things that I have come to realize is that many people were never prepared to become parents rather they all stumbled on parenting, they just became parents. So I can say that parenting happened to many of us.

I started my parenting journey looking for solutions and when I found the solution I realized that so many parents were also like me struggling to do things differently.

Many of us were on that table, where we started parenting without any inkling of what to expect. We do not even understand who we were. Understanding who you are as a parent is a big deal for effective parenting.

The question is, who are you? Are you able to answer this question. When we ask this question many people will typically answer that “I am a medical doctor, I am a teacher” But that\’s not who they are. The question of who you are is a very key and valid question that every single one of us must answer before we become parents.

The major problem we have today is that we do not even understand why we became parents in the first place. We are not aware of why we needed to be parents. We just became parents because it was time. So as a parent, one of the things I have found is the place of being able to see, to understand why you are doing what you are doing. Until you understand you are why you will keep going back and forth on your journey.

So I am asking you today again, Why did you become a parent? Forget about the why before you read this post, think about the why after you\’ve read this post. What would be your why? What would be that thing that would jolt you back to reality to be able to put things in perspective?

One of the reasons why children are born in the world is because we are to co-create with God. I heard one of my mentors say that “when there\’s a problem in the world, a child is sent for impact. If we do not understand that part of why we became parents is to co-create with God, then we will also miss the essence of being parents and that starts from where we begin to understand ourselves. How much do you know about yourself?

As parents, one of the things that happened is that we repeat what we know best. And most often than not, what we know best is from our experiences. What we know best is from the integral part of our values, our belief system, and the things that we hold through to parenting. These are all going to come from our experiences.

According to science, we all make inferences from our subconscious and our subconscious is formed between ages 0 to 7. Everything that happened to you while you were being parented is who you became and the lack of understanding of who you are is what drives us to do things against our better judgement.

There is no parenting without you understanding where you come from.
What are the areas that we need to look at when it comes to understanding ourselves better? What are the things that we must understand to become better parents? You cannot become a better parent without understanding a lot of the things that happened to you as a child? We can only parent better to the degree of what we know about our past, our emotional defenses, and our psychological struggles. This will determine how much we are creating a smoother or a more rugged road in raising our children.

“Your past, your experiences, your emotional defenses, your psychological struggles, are determining factors for how you will parent better today. “

Your past, your experiences, your emotional defenses, your psychological struggles, are determining factors for how you will parent better today.

What are the things that you would need to look at or you will need to find that you need to put together in perspective when it comes to parenting your children better?

1. Self-Awareness on Parenting Ideologies:
   a. Where do your ideas on parenting come from? That\’s the first question you want to ask yourself today. They come from how you were raised, they come from who you became, the past, where are they coming from?

Many of the times, I say over and again that in parenting the reason we are to question the things that the previous generation has done isn\’t to discredit the previous generation. It is to help us credit a better system for the generation to come. If we cannot question what was done to us, then we cannot become better as a people. So your ability to question the parenting ideologies that you already know is coming from the place of self-awareness. When you become self-aware, when you are on a journey to understand yourself, it gives you leverage over a whole lot of other things that you think that you know.

Other Self Awareness Questions:
b. Where do your expectations about children come from?
c. What would I like to change about my parenting today?
d. What does my child need from me today as a parent that is different from what I needed from my parents?
e. Is it possible that I am parenting a different kind of child from the child that I was to my parents?

2. My personality and my temperament:
This is another part of you that you want to understand as a parent to be able to effectively parent your child. What are your personality and Temperament? Temperament is one of the most powerful influences in your life, however, temperament is not destiny, but for you to make progress you need to understand that about yourself. The more you understand who you are, the more you can make changes that are required in different aspects of your life to become a better person. Have you been able to find out if you are tended towards being melancholic, choleric , sanguine, or phlegmatic in your behavior?

Currently, in level one in the inner circle, we are reading, why you act the way you do. There is so much to why you act the way you act. You can book a slot to join the inner circle program here

Have you ever questioned yourself, why do I act this way because this is going to affect the kind of parent that you eventually would become or you eventually are because now we are talking to parents and not people who want to become parents? Your personality is a very big deal. Do you know that who you have become, how you learn, your temperament will affect how you raise children?

Do you also know that who your parents were their temperament, their personality affected how they raised you? There’s something that we call the parenting advantage. So if your parents worked on becoming a better version of themselves, you probably had a parenting advantage over the next person. Parenting advantage can put you in a better place than your mates, just because you had forward-thinking parents. Now the question is, what parenting advantage will you give your children because you were their parent?

3. Learning Style: One of the biggest struggles I see parents have is not understanding how their children learn, but beyond that understanding how they learn. Many of us do not know how we learn. We do not know whether we are kinesthetic, Auditory, or Visual learners. One of the things that happens in our learning style class is that, parents come to that class to first understand themselves and when they get into that class they are humbled. They understand why what happened to them academically in school even happened to them in the first place. They begin to understand where a lot of things happened to them in the past. They begin to understand why some of them were called an olodo. They begin to understand that they probably were kind of such learners and they didn\’t find the space where they could learn from their environment and of course, they ended up not learning.
So one of the biggest challenges we have is not even that we do not understand who we are parenting, its that we do not understand who we are, to be able to parent who we are parenting. So you are teaching your child from your style of the learning. You do not even know what their style of learning style is, so you can really make so much impact and progress.

When we talk about the learning style course, we talk about how you understand, how it has helped other people become better and all of that. If you want to enroll for the understanding your child\’s learning style Course, you might want to jump on it now because the second early birds offer ends shortly. The first early bird offer is over. The second early bird offer is 10 500 instead of 20 500. You can grab this time limited offer by clicking this link 👉 https://selar.co/learningstylecourse

4.Emotional Awareness: You need to understand who you are emotionally. A lot of us do not know how to handle emotions in any way. How are you aware? What are you aware of when it comes to emotions? Do you know how you react to incidences? Do you know your emotional triggers? Part of what we did in the course we did last month “ Becoming an emotionally intelligent parent “ is for parents who understand who they are emotionally. A lot of us do not understand who we are emotionally, we are just parenting. we are just going along and just moving. Who are you emotionally? Do you know your emotional triggers? Do you know how you respond to different kind of emotions?

5. Your development and attachment style: There are different types of attachment but the one that is at the forefront is the secure attachment style, that\’s the best. That\’s the one that we advocate for. There\’s the avoidance attachment style and insecure attachment style, there are about four to five of them. Many of us do not understand the kind of attachment style that we had. We shared this extensively in our course becoming an emotionally intelligent parent and I shared in that course how your attachment style affects how you parent your children.

Are you still thinking of taking the course on \”Understanding Your Child’s Learning Style\”? 200+ parents are already onboard💃💃💃

In this course, You will learn how to eliminate screams at assignment times and home learning times and teach your child study skills by understanding how my child learns better.

Come 28th of March, 2022, I will be taking 200+ parents on this journey to Understanding How children learn.

To register for the Understanding Your Child’s Learning Style course, pay #10,500 instead of #20,500 to 0509494057 (GT Bank). ( This offer ends by tomorrow) The Intentional Parent Academy and send proof of payment through WhatsApp chat to 08129687040.

You can register online by clicking here: https://selar.co/learningstylecourse