If this question can give you a one-dollar bill each time it is asked, I would have a million-dollar bill by now, that goes to show how inquisitive tons of parents are about parenting with calm.

Sometime this week, a parent said to me in a session “Ma I think your children are different”… I laughed.

Truth is, Parenting challenges are universal, Children are the same all over the world, there is no perfect child. But I have learned over the years working with thousands of parents and being a parent myself that what makes the difference is the skill we possess and what we know.

One of the things I have learned when it comes to intentional parenting is ‘that calmness is a skill’. Yesterday I was sharing with a set of parents who lived in the U.S.A. and one of the very valid things is that calm parenting is a problem everywhere. it is not peculiar to a particular region. It is something that every single one of us is striving to achieve.

What exactly does calm mean? Calm is a sense of internal composure that lets us function to the best of our abilities. It is the ideal state of the brain supported by the body, completely aligned with it, allowing us to harness our cognitive powers while maintaining a balance with our emotions. When it comes to parenting with peace and calm, we must understand that it is generally not an easy adventure.

If you want to go on a calm journey, one of the things you must note is that when you are not calm, you are not operating with the logical brain. You are operating with the part of the brain that controls emotions and impulses. One of the best things that you can do for yourself when it comes to parenting, is the ability to have control. Take responsibility for how that part of the brain functions.

Let’s consider some things that you are doing that might be limiting your journey to calmness. Now in the inner circle our theme for this month is parenting with peace and calm. Many times, I have seen quite a several parents say that parenting with peace and calm is not possible.

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What I have realized is that it is not about how our children that make us yell, what makes us yell is our inability to control our emotions. So you need to get to a point where even if you raise your voice, you decided to and you are conscious of it.

To successfully parent with calm, there are many things that you will put in perspective . Some of the things that you must consider on this journey of parenting with calm are:

1. Parenting with peace and calm is not parenting without discipline nor is it akin to permissive parenting: When we talk about intentional parenting, one of the errors found is that people think that we are asking them not to discipline their children so they kick against it without understanding the whole essence. Discipline aims to help your child learn, correct the process, and learn. But we find that our disciplinary process as requires that we are just doing things over and again and the habits we are trying to correct continue to grow. Parenting with peace and calm is not parenting without discipline, neither is it permissive parenting. When we say parent with peace and calm we are not saying that you should not discipline your children, nor are we saying that you should be permissive. Permissiveness is an error. Permissiveness is doing a disservice to your child.

2. Discipline aims to make a child learn not to make them afraid: When you yell, you make your child afraid. When you discipline, you teach a child. Fear is not the aim of discipline. Discipline aims to correct. My definition of negative discipline is any discipline that does not get you the desired result and then also hampers the self-concept of your child becomes negative. Negative discipline does not give the desired result and it attacks the person of your child.

3. You can raise a successful child using peace and calm parenting methods. You do not need to beat a child and yell for them to behave properly. Whoever told you that lied to you. You can achieve that by parenting with peace and calm.

4. It is easier to yell at your child than to learn the strategies to become a calm parent. This is because calmness is a skill, and peace is also a skill. Our theme of the webinar for the inner circle (join the inner circle here )this month is learning peace as a skill. You can learn the skill of keeping your environment peaceful. There are techniques and things that you can learn to be able to create a peace system. It is easier for you to yell at your child than to learn the strategies to become a calm parent. Intentional parenting is tough work, it is tougher than hitting and yelling at your child.

You can join the next cohort of the inner circle here)

It tries everything about you. If you can succeed in intentionally parenting your child, you can succeed at anything. Intentional parenting works for the whole of you. It is not just your child, it walks you and changes the whole of you. That change is tough, so it is easier for us to just give a slap than to hold your hand. Easier to scream and get away with it than to be.

5. When a child can\’t calm down, they need connection and comfort, not criticism and control. If your parenting is full of control, criticism, instructions, and yelling, there\’s something wrong with that part. What we are looking at in parenting is connection, conversations, comfort, and communication.

Calmness is a skill

6. Calmness is a skill, It\’s not something you assume. A lot of us assume calmness and that is one of the reasons we cannot get to our place of calm. Our place of calm will mean different things to all of us, but calmness is a skill and not something you assume. Many of us have the intention to parent with calm but we don\’t reach the place of parenting with calm because we assumed that calmness is something we just intend to do and it happens. If you do not build your place of calm, if you do not build strategies to achieve calmness, you will assume it an assumption is the lowest form of knowledge. Calmness is a skill, it\’s not something you assume. When it comes to parenting, intentions are good but intentions are not enough. You can have good intentions and still destroy your child because without skills and knowledge intentions can get messed up. You can love your child and still destroy your child because you lack the knowledge and you like the prerequisite skills to be able to deliver.

7. Calm parenting is not about perfection but the process. Are we teaching perfection? No way, We are teaching you the possibility. Calm parenting is not about probability. It\’s about the possibilities. So perfection is that at every point in time you are in control of the situation. The process is, that I am a work in progress, I am conscious of what is happening to me, and even when I make a mistake I can recognize that at that point, I have made a mistake and I can pick up myself. What we teach is not perfection. When your children do something wrong, we are not saying that you can apply some principles and then your children will become perfect neither are we saying that you would need to become perfect. we are saying in your imperfections you must remember that the work is in the process. It\’s a continuum. it is not a destination. The aim of calm parenting is not about reaching a goal, it is not about a destination, it is about a journey. Calm parenting is a journey, it\’s not a destination. Don’t have the mindset of running to reach a destination in parenting.

The C-A-L-M Approach To Parenting With Peace And Calm

1. C means connection. What does connection mean? Connection means conversations and communication. In many of our homes, there were barely any conversations. How do you build connections? What do you do? conversations, Many of us grew up not understanding how to have conversations, which is why many of the times I have had parents who complained to me about something and they go on, no I am talking I usually smile.

2. A means acceptance. The accepted child will accept himself. I am talking about acceptance when is it most difficult to be accepted. When that child has just stolen that money and they called you from school and they told you that your child had just badly behaved. Acceptance is difficult. Acceptance is not loving. That child that is constantly doing the wrong thing and is hitting you back to back, is what acceptance is about. When you still accept, I can be a hero to that child. No child gives upon themselves. The only child that gives up on themselves is a child whose core adult has given up on them. Every child continues to thrive provided an adult believes in them. So there is no time when you can give up on a child. Every time a child gives upon himself, it means that an adult has given up on them. In my book connect to correct, I said, do you accept your child for who he is. A lot of us are parenting the children we are trying to parent the children we don\’t have. we are not parenting the children we have. acceptance means parenting the child you have. If your child has Dyscalculia.

3. L Means Listening. For you to use the calm approach, part of the things that you would need to use is the ability to listen. Many times, one of the things that we do not have on this journey is the ability to listen. We were not listened to, we don\’t find listening to our children Important. So anytime we come to a place where we need to listen to our children, we fight it because it is not important to us. If you were not listened to as a child, you will become a parent who also doesn\’t listen to your child. The ability to listen is a big deal. You need to ask yourself do I really listen or do I just react? One of The reasons we respond the way we respond on social media when we read some things is that we don\’t internalize it. We don\’t listen, we just react and it is from our reaction that all of these things come out. If we can listen, then we will be able to connect more with a child and parent from a place of calm. Many of the times what our children are telling us, need to listen to them and not react to them. Your child is throwing a tantrum, you are not listening, and you are reacting when you are screaming back at your child. Are you listening or are you reacting?

4. M Means Mastery: You cannot master the calm approach without mastering your emotions. The concept of mastering your emotions is one of the biggest things you can do for yourself in your parenting journey. How much of your emotions have you been able to master? Have I mastered my emotions? What are my triggers? What are the things that I have been able to put together? Mastery helps you to plan. Mastering your emotions, helped you to look at the triggers and mitigate them. Part of mastery is that when you are looking at things coming, how much have you been able to input and mitigate that thing that will happen? The holiday is a trigger but the question is how much of that trigger have you been able to prepare for. Mastery gives you the ability to look at those triggers and then put it together and say, this is what might happen, let me prepare and structure. that is where structure comes in. The more structure you build around your parenting system, the more you can put a lot of things in perspective. Mastery gives you the ability to think. Mastery gives you the ability to understand who you are emotional. Mastery gives you the ability to be
responsible for your triggers.

Part of my triggers is a place that is scattered. For every time, where it is a holiday or a chaotic period comes, I put together a system that will help me to get such an occasion even if it is going to come up and if it comes up, I also put together an approach that will help me to be able to take responsibility for my emotions.

Part of what we are going to be doing at the ‘no yelling challenge’ that comes up in May is teaching you how to use the step-by-step guide of the calm approach.

Join the waitlist Here

When you join this cohort of the no yelling challenges, you will learn about the calm system and all of the rules and things you need to learn for the calm system to become successful. One of the things you must learn is that this is a skill. Calm is a skill and if you are going to remain calm then you are going to start learning the skills that will keep you calm. One of the things I have also found is that many of the times we are struggling with calm because of the things that have happened either to us or to people or the things that happen in our childhood.

Our upcoming challenge No Yelling Challenge is an awesome place to start your journey to calm parenting. I will show you practical tools and strategies on exactly how you can quit yelling for good, you will forever cherish you got into this challenge.You can join the waitlist so you can be informed with early bird registration begin:
https://bit.ly/Noyellingwaitlist

I am committed to leading you to parent with peace and calm.

https://anchor.fm/wendyologe/episodes/Episode-13-The-Journey-To-Version-3-7-e1gatjd