Author: Wendy Ologe

A few days ago, someone tagged me on a terrifying post about sexual abuse. I read the story and I could relate it to all the cases that get to my desk daily. I have noticed that sex education in most homes is \’wacked\’ and lack necessary information and ingredients. Giving your child half education about sex and puberty is worse. Please note, sex education is for every age.

There is sex appropriation for each age. All you need to do is to get equipped with the right knowledge and information. Parenting through puberty can be tough. Many of the times, puberty is a time of change for both the child and the parents. Often, the child is struggling and the parents are also struggling because of a lack of knowledge.

When Does Puberty Start?

There is something called, \’pre-puberty.\’ At this stage, your child goes through puberty without the physical signs that you can see. Sadly, most parents wait for the physical signs of puberty to starts before they begin the sex education talk with their children.

Pre-puberty can occur between ages 5-7. As parents, you can only help your child if you equip yourself with information concerning parenting. If you do not have information, you can help and reassure your child. You also can\’t teach acceptance and role-model without information. Puberty changes are not only sexual. Puberty changes are both physical, sexual, hormonal, and psychological.

Why Do Many Parents Struggle With Puberty? •Some parents don\’t know what information is too much for a child\’s age. Parents are handicapped, they don\’t know what to share, what to ask etc.

•The irony of I turned out okay. Some parents feel that because they weren\’t taught and they turned out okay, then they don\’t need to teach their children.

•Our belief system: Our belief system makes sex education look sacred and the belief that the children will understand as they grow. Our religious belief puts a hindrance to our sex education.

•Culturally Unintelligence: We need to begin to understand that puberty in this generation is different. Parenting the Genz and GenAlpha is quite different from the ways of our forefathers and parents. We say things like, \’In my time\’ to justify our actions. The statement of \’In my time\’ resonates from a lack of knowledge.

•Lack of Connection: Without connection, you can\’t move forward. Anyone you don\’t connect with, you can\’t have conversations with such a person. Connection before correction. If you are not connected to that child, forget whatever sex education you are preaching.

•Lack of Knowledge: Inadequate knowledge could also make parents struggle. They don\’t know what to say each time, so they struggle. You need to commit yourself to learn. Our lack of knowledge is our greatest undoing.

Here are the following things involved in sex education: Masturbation, sexuality issues (LGBTQ), pornography literacy, drug conversations, family value and lots more. There is a brain called the puberty brain. The puberty brain needs to be carefully studied by parents, so they can parent better.

How Can You Help Your Child?

1- Teach your child sex education like a pro. There is confidence that happens for you and your child when you teach like a pro.

2- You need to get close to your child.

3- Talk more by asking questions without judgement.

4-Connect with your teenager

On Tuesday, we launched The Sex Educate Your Child Like A Pro Challenge. And so far we have had well over 380 Participants sign up.

In this challenge, SEX EDUCATE YOUR CHILD LIKE A PRO, we will show you exactly how you should teach this even if you have never taught it before. I have never mentioned sex to my child, will this challenge teach me?

Yes, we will show you how you can start these conversations and become a pro at them. I have been teaching my children sex education but it\’s looking like I haven\’t scratch the surface? Yes we are here to help you. The worse thing you can do with sex education is to make it half-baked. If you Don\’t fill this vacuum today, your children definitely fill if from somewhere else ; be it uncle google or another adult ; either way there would be no vacuum. For only N1,000 instead of 10,000 you can learn all of these like a pro and start your journey. This challenge will position you as that PRO for your child on every issue of Sex Education. You Don\’t want to miss this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. The next time this challenge will be launched you will be paying the original price of 10,000.

To JOIN the SexEducationChallenge, pay #1,000 to 0509494057 (GT Bank) The Intentional Parent Academy. Send proof of payment through WhatsApp chat to 08129687040 or You can JOIN online here: https://selar.co/Sexeducationchallenge.

Catch Up on my latest podcast episode where I interviewed my friend of over a decade,we talked about friendship especially among women. You need to check it out.

https://anchor.fm/wendyologe

The first question to ask yourself is, \’What is the aim of discipline?

I have heard many people say that discipline is about flogging the child. They believe that once you flog a child, everything goes on well with the child. When it comes to relationships with your children, discipline is one of the biggest issue. As parents, you need to constantly imagine the kind of relationship you want to create with your children when they grow up.

Do you want your children to understand and connect with you as their parent? Or do you want to force it down like an obligation? If you want your child to connect to you freely, then you must make sure your child doesn\’t see the connection as an obligation but a desire. If I may ask, what exactly makes a child want to spend time with you aside from obligations?

Today\’s conversation springs forth from numerous questions that came in from parents. How do you begin to manage the act of flogging your children? Can you parent without flogging your child and still have a well-behaved child? Every child wants to be loved uniquely. Curiosity also helps you transform your relationship with your child. It is absolutely possible to parent without flogging. Several people have raised their children successfully without flogging. My parents had no reasons to flog me, so I grew up without the usual clogging and yelling.

WHY DO PARENTS HIT THEIR CHILDREN?

1- Childhood Trauma and Experiences: A rocky and violent childhood that you experience while growing up can affect you today as an adult and parent. Beyond just affecting you, it can also affect your health. The traumatic event encompasses anything forms sexual assault to childhood abuse and cancer diagnosis. Childhood abuse is most likely going to affect your adult life because it occurs at a time when your brain is vulnerable. It also occurs at the hands of people who are supposed to be your protectors. Statistics show that people with childhood trauma have challenges with their physical health. Your experience as a child plays a very important role in your adult life. People who experience traumatic events will most likely develop post-traumatic stress disorder or other severe health issues. Most of the trauma and chronic diseases resulted from childhood trauma.

Early childhood trauma is a risk factor for almost everything. Early childhood trauma ranges from depression to psychiatric issues or eating disorders. The effect of all childhood trauma has two factors. The first factor is the behavioural changes that result from trauma. People who are suffering from traumatic memories may try to escape them by participating in risky behaviours. They may try to smoke, use drugs or even overeat for comfort. These risky behaviour are called coping mechanisms. It\’s a way of dealing with emotional deregulation.

These habits in turn lead to health problems and challenges. The second factor is the physical effect. This physical effect came as a result of behavioural habits. Health experts opined that there is a direct biological effect that happens when your body undergoes extreme stress. Your body produces more adrenaline and your heart races when you undergo extreme stress. It also causes wear and tear in the body. The stress response has been demonstrated in people who have experienced discrimination throughout their lives. Stress response ages the system faster. People who have experienced trauma may also struggle with getting help. This is one of the worst outcomes of trauma. You avoid anywhere somebody says to you that you need help.

2- Lack of Knowledge: Many times, it\’s because you don\’t know what to do that\’s why you are hitting your child. You don\’t need to hit a child, it\’s because you have made a decision not to learn. Your brain is actually going to give you what it is that you know. So the brain is constantly going to produce what you have kept inside. If the knowledge you have is only on hitting a child, then you will always hit your child for anything and everything.

3– Lack of Emotional Control: Oftentimes, It\’s because you can\’t control yourself, not because you don\’t know the right thing to do. Emotional control is a skill, it\’s not an assumption. You have a lot of work to do and you must stay committed to it.

4- Lack of Parental Skills: Many times, people give birth without preparing for the task ahead. Nobody told them what parenting entails. Why do I hit my child and now feel guilty? This is one of the biggest challenges that we have. If we then say that it\’s ok to hit a child, why then do we feel guilty after hitting a child? Have you ever hit a child and you felt guilty?

Here are The Reasons Why You Feel Guilty When You Hit Your Child:

1- You Are Confused: If flogging your child is working then you won\’t feel guilty. The number one reason why you feel guilty is that you know that hitting your child does not work. You also need to begin to ask yourself questions. If you are feeling guilty because flogging isn\’t working, what exactly is the issue?

2- It Releases What it is That You Felt as a Child: When you hit your child, something in you remembers all that happened in your childhood which makes you distraught. It also brings to bear all that you went through while growing up. You will begin to remember all that you promised to not do which in turn makes you feel guilty. Parenting characteristics are very reflective.

3- It Shows That You Don\’t know What To Do: Many parents who hit children do that because they don\’t know what else to do. If you know what else you do, you will not hit anybody at all. The moment I get frustrated in my communication with my children, I realize that I have lost what to do. I start to seek a solution. And what to do is not always constant. What to do can vary. There are times where you might have known what to do but all of a sudden you get confused. This is because your child is growing. Parenting is not on assumption but your level of knowledge and information. You only hit your child when frustration sets in. Parents who lack what to do are the ones who are frustrated. What to do in parenting is never constant, it varies. Parenting changes as your children grow. All you need to do is to learn. How do I stop all of this? When it comes to parenting, some things are fundamental.

These fundamental things would include what you need to do as an individual first.

1- Heal from your trauma: Trauma is real. It would make a mess of your journey if you don\’t deal with it. If you must parent effectively, you must heal from your trauma.

2- Get Knowledge on what to do: You can\’t get it by hanging on tips and hacks. You need to get committed to the process. Your child should feel that they can still come to you even if they have done something wrong. Also, learn emotional control.

3- Join an Accountability system: Healing is not a one-off. Healing needs follow-up. Find an accountability system for your parenting journey. Stop doing this alone.

How do I get results without having to hit my child?

1- Communication: Parents who do not know how to communicate, result in hitting their children. Communicating effectively with your children is possible. All you need to do is to acquire the right knowledge. If you don\’t know how to say the right words, you will fight. You can have fight-free parenting. You can also parent with calm and peace. Don\’t normalize fight and conflict. To help your communication skills with your child, please heal from your childhood trauma. Most parents constantly fight with their children without knowing that they are the problem. When you speak the right words, you will get the right results that are required.

2- Structured Parenting: The two most important things that you must take into your journey as a parent is nurture and structure. Any parenting void of structure is headed for chaos. It\’s not okay for you to constantly fight with your child. Have you really taken responsibility for this journey?

Conclusively,

-Flogging doesn\’t communicate anything.

-Flogging doesn\’t revamp behaviour.

-Flogging doesn\’t change anything.

-Flogging strains relationships.

-Flogging teaches your children that violence is acceptable provided you are bigger than the next person.

https://anchor.fm/wendyologe/episodes/Episode-4-My-Journey-Through-Motherhood-e103lr5

It\’s interesting to think that people think that bullying only happens at school but that is not true, bullying happened even at home. Children can face humiliation and behavioural manipulation from their parents, these things happen.

WHAT IS BULLYING?
Bullying is an ongoing deliberate misuse of power in a relationship through repeated verbal, physical and emotional behaviour that can cause physical, social, emotional or psychological harm.Bullying Parents mostly have the following behaviour, research has shown that bully parents exhibit these behavior. Children who are bully\’s have parents who bully. When a Child is bullied at home they become become bullies themselves or become the bullied person, they begin to accept bullying as the norm because that is what they are used to.

CHARACTERISTICS OF BULLY PARENTS:
1. They are often very harsh, their parental discipline are always in the extreme.
2. They are highly competitive
3. Some bully parents are permissive
4. They are not empathic.

The Intentional Parent Academy. And send proof of payment through WhatsApp chat to 08129687040.
Or use this link https://selar.co/Bullytoolkit (Accept all currencies) for online payment. This offer last for 24 hours. The price will revert to #2,000 at the expiration of 24 hours from today.

You can join our upcoming Course: “Healing From Childhood Trauma”
Register here: https://selar.co/Healingcourse

https://anchor.fm/wendyologe/episodes/Episode-4-My-Journey-Through-Motherhood-e103lr5

Most parents don\’t even realise that they pass on their childhood traumas to their children. Sometime ago, we were discussing healing from parenting hurts in the inner circle academy. I realized that many people are raising children without healing from their past. So many parents are angry with themselves, their spouses, and the economic situation of the nation which leads to playing the victim card. So whenever emotions arise, they victimise their children by playing the victim card not because they want to but because they don\’t know any other way. They say things like, \’you caused it\’, \’you made me angry.\’

HOW WERE YOU TREATED AS A CHILD?

How you were treated as a child will have a direct effect on how you parent your child. Until you understand this as a parent, you will consistently need to work on yourself before raising another human being. Your emotional stability and awareness are paramount to the success that you have as a parent. You need to start working on understanding who you are, this is the most important thing that you must take.

WHAT HAPPENED IN YOUR EARLY YEARS?
Studies have shown that everything we do comes from our sub consciousness. The subconscious mind is built between the age of 0-10years. This means that everything you do is coming from your early years.Experiences during childhood shape our perception and understanding of critical moments in our adult life. Over time, these negative experiences disrupt neuro development. They lead to social, emotional and cognitive impairment and ultimately, they result in abducting health risk behaviours. That\’s what adverse childhood experience entails.

Adverse childhood experiences (ACE\’s) come in main forms. Ranging from physical abuse, mental abuse, neglect, and household dysfunction. There are 10 different types of childhood trauma mentioned in ACE\’s study. Five of them are personal physical abuse; verbal abuse, sexual abuse, physical neglect and emotional neglect. Five are related to other family members but a lot of them are related to the individual. So a parent whose father was an alcoholic or a parent whose mother was a victim of domestic violence will hurt the household. It\’s not going to disappear. Divorce is a big deal, it affects your ACE\’s counts.

CGC study uncovers a stunning link between childhood trauma and chronic disease people develop as an adult. I\’m going to link this up with the kind of upbringing that we also have in our clan. This childhood trauma has been linked to the chronic disease people develop as an adult as well as social and emotional problems. This includes; heart disease, lung cancer, diabetes and many autoimmune diseases like depression, violence, and suicide.

Everything you are doing as a parent has an after-effect. ACE\’s works through experience, not just exposure. So if an ACE\’s is prevented from causing toxic stress, the harm will not occur. This means that a child constantly needs a nurturing environment that can build children resiliently to prevent them from ACE\’s. The good news is that early intervention and prevention on the impact of ACE\’s can be mitigated. This it\’s essential for you to know what\’s happening to you as a parent.

Most of us enter a parenting relationship wounded and it is from our childhood. Like I usually say, \”Time does not necessarily heal any hurt.\” Numbing a feeling doesn\’t mean that it heals it. So you can develop coping mechanisms, but it\’s not the same as healing from the hurts.The first point of call is to find out what is wrong. The fear and the rage of childhood are powerful and they can overwhelm you as a parent. It\’s very challenging to overcome this. You must understand that ACE\’s can be dangerous to children as well.

The more we sweep ACE\’s under the carpet, the more harm it would do to us. Hence, the need to heal from our childhood experiences. Children who suffer violence exhibit lasting negative effects that reach every corner of the adult\’s life. If you commit to learning differently, you will begin to see these things and correct them.

HOW CAN I CONTROL AND REACT TO ANGER?

Anger is scary enough for your child. A child who suffers violence will lead to a low IQ, a likelihood of a stormier relationship in their marriage and a higher likelihood of substance abuse. So if your child isn\’t afraid of your anger anymore, it\’s an indication that you\’ve just numbed them and they have developed defences. The unfortunate result is that the child is less likely to want to behave to please you if you\’re not open to influencing them.

LET\’S TAKE THE ACE TEST

• Childhood trauma is very common and extremely common in our clime. People usually experience more than one type of trauma. The higher your ACE\’s score the higher your risk of health and social problems. An ACE\’s score of 4 or more means that you need to deal with it. There is a likelihood of different kinds of things with an ACE\’s score that is more than four. Usually, I advise four. If you have an ACE\’s score that is three, please deal with it. When I took the ACE\’s test, I had 3/10, so I decided to deal with a lot of the things that I experience as a person to be able to deal with my parenting journey.
  
  Globally, medically and scientifically, if your ACE\’s score is four and more, then you need to do something like healing and therapy. The more your ACE\’s score, the more you have the likelihood of some of the things that we shared about ACE\’s in the test above.Childhood experiences have a lot to do with chronic diseases, antidepressants prescription, drug abuse, suicide, smoking and risk of perpetrating domestic violence.
  
  Toxic stress damages the structure and function of a child\’s developing brain. We also have ACE\’s in children. There are signs that your child might start to begin to go through childhood trauma. When children face trauma or are affected by one of these ACE\’s, they are not always open. I was watching a video recently, and I saw a boy that committed suicide in African. So these things aren\’t a geographical thing, it\’s everywhere. The young boy was sodomised when he was 15th and he committed suicide when he was 20. His parents didn\’t even know until after his death.
  
  HOW ACE\’S AFFECT THE BRAIN
  
   ACE causes a rewiring of the brain. Your child might also be going through ACE\’s because of your parenting style.
  
  It makes the children more prone to risky behaviour both now and in the future which is triggered by toxic stress, prolonged activation of the body stress response system and the areas of the brain like the amygdala. This leads to a reaction from the emotional part of the brain instead of the thinking and planning area.
  
  ACE affects our health. The life expectancy in Nigeria is very low, ACE\’s puts a threat to one\’s life.
  
  ACE\’s can result in violent outburst beyond a typical toddler tantrum. So when you have a child who is outburst or struggling with behaviour, that child could be having an ACE\’s. These behaviours reflect their emotions and dictate their actions. So the results of their brain heighten the emotional state and suppress the thinking process.
  
• ACE\’s can affect learning disability. Children who have been exposed to adversity have a lot of trouble concentrating because they are always ready for danger. What ultimately puts children at risk of jeopardizing their well being is the lack of emotional support at home. Loving your child is not enough, you must learn to support your child.
  
  Remember, abused people don\’t stop loving their abusers, they stop loving themselves. So the fact that you love everybody around you doesn\’t mean that these things are not true.
  
  Take responsibility for your journey! You need to understand that you are doing this for the next generation.
  Stop practising a culture of silence. Speak out and seek help from your childhood traumas. Parenting characteristics are reflective. This means that even the things that you do not want to do, you will see yourself doing them. Parenting is about the process, if you\’re not willing to do the work, there is going to be trouble.

https://anchor.fm/wendyologe/episodes/Episode-3-Thriving-Through-Widowhood-ev4g7k

Many people do not know if they have gone through childhood trauma or not. What comes to mind when you hear “childhood trauma”? People say, “Time heals everything”, but I want to say time does not heal trauma, time only numbs your feeling, and it is not the same as healing.

I have seen people who have waited for time to heal but the past keeps chasing them and bringing back hurts. When you are traumatized as a child from your past, it lives deep inside you, it is not something that can be squashed and put under the carpet. These memories are ingrained into your system and it influences one’s relationships and self-esteem.

Sigmund Freud a psychologist explains that we have a compulsion to repeat events if we try not to heal. When people say, “but we turned out okay” I ask, “at what expense?”. We will look at some childhood trauma, the causes of trauma and what effect they have on us even in the present.

What Then is Childhood Trauma?
It is the physical, sexual, emotional abuse, it involves domestic violence against children. Many of what I share is not limited to my personal experience but also including my experience with working with diverse parents. There are some stories I cannot share based on confidentiality, but I will paint pictures that will help pass across the message.

We need to understand that trauma is real, one-time event can take its toll on your child and have a lifelong effect on him or her. This event may not be directly done to your child, for instance it could be your child witnessing domestic violence.
The three E’s of trauma are what characterize trauma and they are: Events, Experiences and Effect.

Causes of Childhood Trauma:
1. Physical abuse:
People justify flogging or beating a child as discipline; however, the child’s brain sees every form of physical pain as same. The same way a child’s brain processes physical abuse is the same way it processes this so called “discipline” the child cannot understand the difference.
I need to disabuse the mindset that you need to flog your child for your child to turn out well. There are alternative and more effective tools that can guide you to help your child through misbehaviors. Many times, the anger emotion actually use/loose a parent and he or she does not know the point to stop his or herself. At the start you may have a justifiable reason for flogging your child, but how to do determine when to stop is the problem. This is usually the situation when the anger emotions take over and one cannot think through the process. It is important to think through your process rather than react to something.

2. Trans-Generational Trauma
Sometimes, people experience trans-generational effects of trauma, where certain effects of trauma have been sent from one generation to another. If a father or mother has suffered trauma in the past, they will act out on this trauma and transfer that trauma to their children. A lot of our parents who experienced war were traumatized, and it resulted in them believing it was okay to be harsh on children. Parents who have actually had traumatic experience might actually find it difficult to be fully there for their children. A parent who has not healed from trauma cannot help their children.

3. Sexual Abuse
Your past is not going to just die, if you have been sexually abused in the past and you have not been able to speak about it, deal with it or undergo therapy then you will struggle. A person who has been sexually abused or molested should seek help irrespective of how far back it happened because it can result in adverse childhood effect.

4. Emotional Abuse
Emotional abuse is a thing, and it includes a range of things and situations such as: being shamed for not being able to do what we were expected to do like bedwetting. The truth is that we will carry the voices of our parents in our head for years to come. If you were abused emotionally and you were told hurtful things that you were not meant to hear, you need help. What exactly are you speaking to your children? Nobody will remember the yelling you yell because your words are not heard. No one will remember the flogging because when time comes for your child to choose, they will choose from your words that made sense to them. Many times, parent’s words do not make sense or meaning to their children because they are full of abuse and emotions. You need to understand that for your words to have meaning to you children, they need to be graced not empty.

5. Neglect/Unavailable Parents
A lot of people were neglected when growing up because their parents were too busy. A child wo was neglected growing up will have trust issues. it is important to deal with being neglected as a child rather than ignore it or suppress it.

6. Sibling Rivalry
Sibling rivalry causes trauma that people need to deal with. Some siblings do not talk to each other as a result of rivalries that happen at childhood, if that is you, you need to talk about it and deal with it. Childhood memories do not go away, they follow you everywhere.

7. Childhood Illness
Going through pain as a result of illness as a child, being in and out of the hospital can actually be traumatic for a child as well.

8. Learning Disability
People who had difficulty reading and writing in childhood can carry this traumatic experience into adulthood as well.

How does Trauma affect you as an adult?
If a person does not deal with traumatic experiences, he or she carries it into adulthood via what is called the inner child. These experiences live in our adulthood and show themselves in some symptoms. Psychologists say that 80% of what you do comes from your subconscious and your subconscious is formed in your childhood. Most of the things we do is a carry-over from our childhood, the inner child always shows up in our adult life.

Some other Symptoms shown in adulthood as a result of childhood trauma include:
• Low self-esteem: People struggle with low self-esteem when they have had a traumatic childhood. Some are not able to confidently speak to others or even their children, they do not feel good enough to do things.

• The fear of being judged by others: where people are always afraid of what people think.
• Constant attempt to please people by not being able to say No to people. When parents love children conditionally, they are passing cross the message that they have to always please people.
• Constant Anger, Emotional Outburst and Frustration: If everything your children do, trigger a parent to react harshly, the parent may still be dealing with childhood trauma.
• Difficulty in trusting people: Some people lie though childhood as a coping mechanism for their traumatic experiencing. Such people find it difficult to trust others.
• Feeling isolated and not wanting to be around people
• Other Symptoms also include Depression, Anxiety and fear, Lost of interest and overeating.
• Childhood trauma impacts health via different diseases such as cancer, heart attack, stroke, asthma
Childhood trauma shows up in different ways, you need to take a step back and think through your process ask yourself how your childhood experiences influences you now.

We need to deal with childhood trauma to be able to move on. Over the years, what people did was to develop coping mechanism such as lying, learnt helplessness, etc.
People make sentences like: “it is what I can do”, “why can’t I do it?” I have always said that “You cannot give what you do not have”, this saying is even more critical and applicable in parenting journey.

You can join our upcoming Course: “Healing From Childhood Trauma”
Register here: https://selar.co/Healingcourse

OFFLINE PAYMENT:
Pay 10,000NGN to 0509494057 (GTB). The Intentional Parent Academy, then send proof of payment through WhatsApp chat to 08034377085

Would You Like to learn how to manage your Child ‘s behavior to enjoy peaceful parenting?Join my guest and I in this free webinar. Register here ;: http// bit.ly/TIPFREEWEBINAR

https://anchor.fm/wendyologe/episodes/Episode-3-Thriving-Through-Widowhood-ev4g7k

Poor or Ineffective parenting can be passed from generation to generation. Ineffective parenting can turn out to be a generational thing if not handled correctly. Many people at some point ask themselves these questions:

\”How do I know that I am parenting effectively?

“ What do I need to know to ascertain if I am actually on the right track?

\” A lot of parents have come to ask me these questions. They want to know if what they are doing is right or wrong.

I\’ve had parents say things like, \”but I\’m providing food, water, house, clothing, etc. What else do my kids want?\” All these are the minimum entry-level for parenting. Provision of  food, shelter and other financial obligations is just the least entry-level. Just like when you want to enter the University, you will need to start from the lowest level. This means that there is more to parenting than just the provision of food, shelter and other financial obligations.

I have explained to parents over and over again each time they come to me bearing the \’provider tag. The provider tag is just the cutoff point and the cutoff point initiates the beginning  of the real process. There are other things you need to know to parent effectively. I am going to share with you the things that you should look out for to determine if your parenting is effective or ineffective.

HOW DO I KNOW MY PARENTING MIGHT BE INEFFECTIVE?

1. Ineffective Parenting Tends To See Their Children\’s Behaviour As Willful And Manipulative:
If you are in the place where you are still thinking, \”oh, it\’s all about my children\”, \”oh, they are deliberately making me angry\”, \”oh, they know what they are doing.\” If this is you then it\’s a sign of ineffective parenting. This springs  from a lack of parenting tools. When you have no parenting tool, you feel your child is trying to intentionally hurt. Also, for this kind of parent, discipline has no structure. Anything goes!

2. Lack Of Balance.
Some parents will say \”My children are my life.\” \”My life revolves around my children.\” They have nothing else. They depend on their children all-around. Depending on children is just one extreme of the lack of balance. Another extreme is the lackadaisical attitude towards parenting. Such parents have no time to parent anybody. These are two extremes that are dangerous.Lack of balance is a sign that you are parenting ineffectively. Some parents say that they don\’t like to discipline their children or they don\’t like correcting them. While another set believes in hitting them hard. Everything is hard in their structure. The moment you can\’t strike a balance on your journey as a parent, it is a sign of ineffective parenting.

3. Unpredictability.The third sign of ineffective parenting is when you are unpredictable. Children do not thrive well in unpredictability. They get confused when they don\’t know what to do and what not to do. Some time ago, I was taking a class on learnt helplessness in the Inner circle program. I realised that parents create the concept of learnt helplessness with their children when they are unpredictable. The children don\’t know what to do, it looks more like they\’re walking on eggshells. They don\’t know how you will react when they open up to you, which leads to constant struggle on the part of the children.

4. No Consistency In Connection
As a parent, your number one priority is to connect with your children. A lot of parents think that they can parent effectively by buying their children off with gifts. Giving gifts will not take the place of connecting deeply with your children. Part of what we do at the inner circle is to get you and hold you accountable to become consistent with connection. I have discovered that connection is the bedrock of parenting.
I was in the church on Sunday when the teenagers asked some questions. They wrote on a piece of paper and passed it across to the facilitator. The questions that came in from the teenagers were overwhelming. The bottom line was that there was no connection between the teenagers and their parents.

Many parents refuse to connect to their children at a tender age which makes it more difficult to connect with their children when they grow older. So many children are struggling to talk to their parents. Our curve in the Inner circle program is connection. The moment you put the connection in your parenting journey, you have solved more than half of your problem.

One of the things that happen to parents who are not consistent with connection is that they begin to guilt parent. Guilt parenting makes you feel guilty for not being there which leads to buying your children off with gifts. Unfortunately, buying your children off does not work. Rather, it is a sign of ineffective parenting. Remember, children will only thrive in the face of true connection.

5. Self-Blaming: Another sign of ineffective parenting is that you blame yourself when your children have issues. When your child misbehaves the first thing that comes to your mind is, \”What will people say?\” \”People will say that I have not raised my chiildren well.\” If this is you then it is a sign that you are parenting ineffectively.
When your child has issues you tend to come down with self-blaming emotions on your child. No matter what it is that you feel about what happened, you just go ahead and hit on your child because you are parenting in a way that questions whatever it is that you are doing.
 
When you self-blame, you will make mistakes and you will get on your child with that feeling which brings about no learning on the part of the child. Your authority and power are what helps your child thrive. They are the real motivators of good behaviour in your child, not your child\’s sense of control because a child at some point does not even understand all of that.

6. Failing To Recognize The Examples You Are Setting.
Do you think that telling your children what to do right is an effective tool?
You say things like, \”I\’m telling my children what to do right.\” \”I\’m always teaching my children what they need to do.\” If you don\’t recognise the examples that you are setting then it\’s a sign of ineffective parenting.

For example, you\’re in your house and a friend calls you saying, \”Oh are you there? Are you on your way?\”
I\’m almost there, you replied. Whereas you\’re seated right in your home. Yet, you go back to your children, pounce on them and say that they are liars. When some parents come to me and complain about their children\’s bad behaviour. I smile because such parents have failed to recognise the example that they are setting. What example are you setting in your home? If you say it and you\’re not living the life you want your children to live, then you are setting your child up for the same way or even worse.

I was in the church over the weekend and I heard one of the questions that a young boy asked. He said, \”My father is always telling me not to have sex and live a life of purity, yet I know that he has a side chick. I laughed so hard that day. Who was the father deceiving because the boy saw the wrong example that the father was showing?

A particular nine-year-old said in one of the questions, \”My father is so unforgiving yet he preaches about forgiveness, he has refused to forgive my mother because of wrongdoing on my mother\’s part.\”

What examples are you setting as a parent? Your children see you bad-mouth and talk down on people, yet you want to have well-mannered and cultured children.Hypocrisy in parenting is one of the spoilers of your journey. Hypocrisy is telling your children to do as you say and not as you do. When you begin to tell your children to do as you say and not as you do then that\’s a sign of ineffective parenting.

7. Using Ineffective Disciplinary Tools:
Lack of tools will lead to ineffective parenting. You are going on a journey. A whole 18 years journey and you have nothing to support that journey.
What tools do you have on your journey? Parents often argue that they know what they are doing only for them to get stuck on the journey as a result of a lack of tools. Lack of tools is a sign of ineffective parenting.

One of the examples of the ineffective disciplinary tool is;
Yelling & Shaming: I\’ve had a lot of people underplay the effect of yelling on a child. I was in a session with a parent when she said to me, \”I have stopped yelling, but my children have become chronic yellers.\” She sees herself in her children daily as they have also become chronic yellers, they\’ve become so antagonistic and angry. She wondered how terrible she had been before now and wished she didn\’t make such a mistake in her life.

If you have a toddler or you are yet to have a child then this is the best time to learn. You can\’t begin to imagine errors that parents have made and fighting so hard to undo today. I tell a lot of parents in the inner circle who have little children that they should thank God for the information at their disposal..Human beings ought to operate at higher functions but they end up being just okay and on an average level because of the kind of disciplinary tools that were used.

The end goal of our parents was to raise children who could do better but the routine was wrong. There is a cost to bear for every wrongdoing. Sadly, the cost means turning out just okay, when we could have been better. I have been able to work with over 5,000 parents and everyone that comes across to me have a common faulty upbringing.
Shaming a child might lead to the child having issues with perfection or the child develops a fear for failure. Many people are afraid to try because they don\’t want to fail.


8. Withdrawing Affection & Attention: When you withdraw affection and attention from your child, you\’re simply telling your child that your love is conditional. Many of us have our love conditional; you love the child only when the child is doing your bidding, you love the child only when the child is a \’good\’ child.

Withdrawing affection from your child can also cause the child to have low self-esteem and codependency. Codependency is when a child begins to adapt to how you feel they should act. At every point in time, the child begins to act the way you want. Co-dependency leads to an abusive relationship, stop raising your children to have issues that they will need to deal with later in life.

9. Lack Of Routines, Structures And Boundaries:
A lot of parents allow their children to do whatever they like and when they have had enough, they will pull out the cane. This Is a sign of ineffective parenting. When you have routines, structures and boundaries and you stay consistent on them, your parenting begins to take a new shape. People come to me expressing their desire not to beat and yell at their children, so they let their children do whatever they like. I\’m always shocked at such parents. If your home lacks routines, structures and boundaries, then you\’re going to be relying on negative discipline. You will end up screaming and yelling.

If you parent without boundaries and structure, then it\’s a sign that you are parenting ineffectively
Your children need to learn certain skills. I have seen a lot of parents who are constantly flogging their children yet they complain about how their kids can\’t do anything. Ineffective parenting results in waiting until the child does something wrong, then you bring out the cane-This is not parenting. If you don\’t have routines, structures and boundaries, then you don\’t have discipline in your home. Discipline is in your ability to lead yourself. if you can\’t lead yourself then there is something wrong with the structure you\’ve created. If you don\’t have this kind of system, then you need to re-parent yourself and create that structure.
failed.Check your life, are there structures? Are you disciplined enough to push through your goals, tasks and assignments? If you can\’t answer these questions truthfully, then you need to reparent yourself.

10. Comparison:
When you\’re constantly comparing your children with their pairs, siblings and others, that\’s a sign that you lack tools. When you don\’t have tools to correct, you will begin to use tools that are not useful and you will end up comparing your children with others. The moment you have access to tools, you wouldn\’t need to compare your children with others. Having tools will help you stay on course.

Our Latest Guide  on how to build Structure around your parenting is now available. This guide will help you create Rules, Routines and Boundaries for your parenting journey. Get this Guide for 1,500 in 24hours or get it at 2,000

Get a copy here: https://selar.co/Structuredparentingguide (accepts all currencies )

Or Pay directly to Our Account : To get the Guide, pay 1500NGN , no longer N1,000 to 0509494057 (GTB). The Intentional Parent Academy, then send proof of payment through WhatsApp chat to 08129687040.

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Many parents assume that instincts will help them be better parents to their children or assume that parenting comes naturally. We employ parenting styles we have inherited subsequently making mistakes in our parenting journey without even realising it.

Parenting is a learned skill and there are no tricks and hacks. My intention is not to make you feel guilty about your mistakes but to give solutions because I know raising a child is demanding. I want to create awareness on the effects these mistakes have on children and help you realise where you are and how to be better.

The common parenting mistakes are:

1. Allowing Technology Parents for You: Many times, we think our children need the screen however, the skills your children need to survive is not on the screen. Technology has become a parenting helper and a convenient substitute for parents. Subsequently, technology ends up having more influence on the children than the parents do. Technology in this case refers to television, phones, tablets, computers and the likes. We have been made to believe that it is not easy to parent your child while staying away from technology. However, if you do not create time for children and create memories with them through activities, it means that technology is doing that work for you.

What your child needs and will remember is the time and memories you build with them not the things you give to them. Parenting is a big deal. You have to learn to create time for your child, you cannot use not having enough time as an excuse to use technology as a nanny (placing your child in front of the tv for hours so you can have more time to yourself). You need to understand that technology was created for you and not the other way round and if you understand that, then use it and not allow it to use you.

2. Not allowing your children make mistakes: Parents have said to me that they do not want to allow their children make mistakes, so they interfere. Your inability to give room for your child to make mistakes is a mistake in itself; some parents go as far as paying for malpractice. Failure is part of the system and it is important for children to fail. If you do not allow your children to fail, you are teaching them that everything must always go smoothly. Avoiding mistakes, creates a system that gives a false narrative that making mistakes or failing is a bad thing. In reality, Life is all about bumps and bruises and children need to feel it, it gives you room to teach and correct your children, because they are learning points.

When you as a parent promote the self-righteousness theme, you tell your children that they cannot and cannot be allowed to make mistakes. When they make mistakes you, criticise them and compare them to yourself or others by projecting self-righteousness and using phrases like “in my time, I was …” This fallibility narrative in parenting is false. This is because a child sees his parents as perfect people who do not make mistakes, and since he makes mistakes, he will fill the gap with people who make mistakes, and they may have wrong influence. You are not perfect, you make mistakes, so you have to understand and make room for your children to make mistakes as well. By being obsessed with having a child who is perfect and does not make mistakes, you may end up setting your child up for failure. This is because failure is not if your child will fail because he will definitely fail, real failure is in your child’s inability to look at his mistakes and tur them into something positive.

You should not create a system for your children that life is rosy because life is not rosy, there are a lot of things that can go wrong. Avoid giving your child a false narrative of what life is by rescuing your child in situations all the time. There are situations your child needs to experience because we live on experiences. Therefore, do not be quick to rescue your children from such experiences, they help them understand how the world works.

3. Lack of structure: A parent once said to me that she has beaten, yelled and disciplined her child yet she is still having struggles. Our definition of discipline is wrong. What is discipline? Discipline is not about being unpredictable and randomly yelling and flogging your children discipline is structure.

Yelling and flogging all the time does not result in the desired behavioural change in your child. If it did, there will be no need to keep yelling and flogging children over the same behaviour. The two most important roles of a parents are nurture and structure. You need to balance both and own them, without both, your parenting system will fail. What is structure? Structure means having rules, setting limits, consistency, routines and offering limited choices. What kind of structure do you have in your home? Lack of structure in you parenting system will result in the natural collapse of that system. Putting the right structure in place will stop you from being afraid of your children failing, owning their experiences or trying new things. For example, having a structure around sexual education for your children will prevent you from being afraid of what they might be involved in or what might happen to them when you are not with them.

4. Yelling and Fighting Back: This is a common parenting mistake, and it does refer to physical fight between parents and children. This fight refers to a parent getting mad, yelling, nagging, repeating and being in a power struggle. Arguing with your child will give them negative attention this is because they are able to trigger a stronger reaction from you, then you start fighting back mostly by yelling. This unintentionally rewards misbehaviour and a parent will begin to struggle with this, and the fighting back does not stop this misbehaviour.

5. Being Stuck in What Does not Work

Many times, you know that somethings are not working in you parenting system (you are not getting the desired result) but you keep at it. You defend this notion by saying things like “I was brought up in the same way and I turned out okay”.

Are you interested in raising children wo are okay? Or children who are interested in raising children who can excellently become better? Let’s raise children who can do better. Many parents are stuck in systems that do not work because they think that they know it all or parenting should not be taught and refuse to reach out when things don’t work. We wait until we struggle and fight back and make a complete mess before we begin to reach out for help. Raising a child happens between 0-7 then to 10. If you have not been deliberate in raising your child and he is above ten, then you are already in a “war zone” and you need to be prepared. You must be willing to commit to the process, because it is not a fire brigade approach based on tips and hacks.

6. Over Expectation (Expecting Perfection from Children) : A parent once said to me “My daughter is six and cannot put herself together” then I asked her “when you were six years old, how much ‘put together’ were you?”. Thinking on my response, she realized that what she was expecting of her 6-year-old was not realistic. For example, my 10-year-old children can cook, however, it will be foolish of me to expect that the kitchen will look perfect and spotless after they cook. Over expectation is a common parenting mistake, in some cases, parents even expect a toddler to sit quietly. Toddlers are created to try things so cannot sit still, you have to help the toddler by creating avenues for him to try things in a supportive structure and routine.

Why expect things that children cannot do from them. If you have never taught your child a skill, do not expect the child to give you the best of that skill. Whatever skill you want to see in your children, you have to be ready to intentionally teach them. If you do not teach skills to your children, it is only natural for them to struggle. Bishop David Oyedepo says: if you want a child to fly a plane and you just place him in a plane and force him to fly it or even flog him, he will not be able to.

7. Thinking for Your Child :Avoid being the thought process for your child by:

• Answering for your child

• Interrupting your child’s thought process and fixing things

• Pressuring them to say or do things as you say without thinking

• Making excuse for your child using their age or saying things like “he is just a child”.

It is important to teach your child, how to make decisions and step back and let them make decisions. You should also not interrupt your child and assume that you child does not have knowledge at all. Sometimes, parents criticize the process of the child’s thinking; instead, you should give your children the chance to explore options. For instance, I taught my daughter to make jollof rice, but she now cooks it better than me. This is because she went out and explored to find other ways to make jollof rice, I allowed her to try it out this new way instead of criticizing her for wanting to try it in a differently from what I taught her. When she tried to make it differently, it turned out to be better than what I taught her. By not giving your children the opportunity to think for themselves, they become zombies; only following your instructions. Step away after giving instructions and let them think through it, they may have a better option, or you may even be wrong. Your children obeying you all the time is a wrong system, there are times that what you are saying may not be the best option. If you think for your child, you may react and will miss the opportunity of your child understanding what they did wrong. Solution to these parenting mistakes is centered around structured parenting. Ask yourself: How much structure, routine, consistency do you have in your parenting system? That is what builds your child ad make him become disciplined. Discipline is the ability to lead yourself without outward interference. This means that when you are not with your children, are they able to make choices based on the values you have taught them? Are your values strong enough for your children to make choices from them. Children will make choices from the values we have taught them both intentionally and unintentionally.

Our Latest Guide is On the way Today we launch our guide on how to build Structure around your parenting. This guide will help you create rules, Routines and boundaries for your parenting journey. Get this Guide for 1,000 in 24hours or get it at 2,000 after it launches.

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This offer last for 24 hours and the price will revert back to 2,000 NGN after 24 hours.

By the way did you miss our Tuesday live session on 7 Common parenting mistakes? It was all shades of lit. Catch a replay here

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Recently, I was tagged to a post on social media where people shared their experiences of parental abuse and trauma while growing up. I shared some of the stories in The Intentional Parent Facebook group and some members also shared their experiences. I was completely heartbroken reading some of these stories and realizing the traumatic childhood that people have gone through.

You should not trivialize these traumatic experiences by saying things like “We still turned out okay”. There is nothing okay about going through such traumatic experiences and trivializing it, it will later result in us becoming exactly what we hate. Instead, you need to look at what happened in the past and work towards raising better people. This is the reason for selecting this topic.

Parenting trauma actually results from parents who lack knowledge because knowledge should be at the forefront of parenting. It is about how much tools and skills you have built on the journey. You cannot assume parenting because assuming parenting will result in failure. It is undeniable that parenting comes with a lot of stress and challenges, however, we can, and we need to rise up above these to the responsibility of parenting. What is parenting frustration? It is the moment when a parent feels he or she has failed. Where you feel chocked and cannot cope with the stress of parenting, desiring to get away from everything. To get past this, you need to build yourself up and the process starts with you admitting that you need this building. This building is a journey of re-parenting yourself. It is not about competing with others or being judgmental, instead it is about being a better parent by being intentional and taking action.

Parental stress and anxiety come with a lot of high demands and sometimes we may not have enough resources for it. This means that knowing what to do but not having enough resources to do it can result in stress. For instance, you may know you need to spend time with your child, but you may not be able to make that time out because of a busy schedule. All the joy ,the love and pride in parenting have the tendency of moving to anger, hate and guilt as a result of this stress. Guilt parenting happens when you substitute valuable things (like spending time with children) with things that are not valuable. Hate does not mean hate for your children but you hating that you have children; you see your children as a limitation to you and resent the idea of being a parent. This hate can result in you acting in anger towards your children either through physical or emotional abuse. It is important to note that parenting is an emotional journey and it is important that your emotional health is dealt with. Avoid repeating mistakes made by your parents by taking responsibility for where you are today.

To raise a child who can control himself, trust and respect others, manage his emotions, have compassion and empathy, you have to be all these yourself. It begins with coping with parenting stress and frustration.

How to cope with parenting stress and frustration

1. You must learn effective skills to help you sail smoothly Parenting with peace and calm is a skill, it is a skill that you build it cannot be inherited. Cane wielding parents and parents who regularly yell will be stressed all the time. If you have to beat or yell to achieve a result with your children, then something is wrong. Yelling will never get you to parenting with peace and calm you need skills like discipline, emotional and communication skills. There are no shortcuts in developing these skills, you need to work through the process. for instance, if you want to stop yelling you have to learn through the process.

2. Be careful how you pay attention to the negative: Stress zeroes in on bad things around you, anytime you are stressed watch the negative you pay attention to. Many times, parents remember only the negative their children do, and they do not take note of the good they do. You have to be careful about your beliefs and biases and what you say to your children they can easily become self-fulfilling prophesies. Note that: when you assume the worse you are liable to provoke negative behaviour from people around you.

3. Deal with any parental abuse or trauma from the past: If you have experienced any childhood trauma or abuse from your parents, you need to deal with it because they show up even when you do not want them to. Those experiences and memories are lying in your subconscious all they need is a little trigger and they come later and overwhelm you. Note that parenting characteristics are reflective and if you do not deal with them, they will make a mess of your parenting process as well and the cycle will continue. You must deal with it now and if possible, take one therapy.

4. Focus on the good: Whatever you focus on is what will grow . If you keep thinking on only negative, it will thrive. Instead, concentrate on the positives, think on them and build on them.

5. Create more time for things that are important to you: Most of our parents in the past reacted with violence and abuse due to stress. Not having time for yourself makes you blame everything negative on your children. It is important to create time for yourself and do things that are important to you.

6. Reappraise your process every time your child misbehaves: Flogging your children is a lazy Man’s way out of problems or misbehaviours. Children are going to end up misbehaving it is your responsibility to remain an adult. Whenever you child misbehaves, ask yourself what your routine is check if your routine is working and make necessary adjustment.

7. You need to seek help: Do not think that seeking help is a bad thing Nobody can help you beyond the effort that you put in, you must be part of your rescue mission for that mission to work. If help comes embrace it the more. No parent is perfect we are all going on this journey and learning every day.

8. Help your children cope with their own stress: The more stressed your child is the most stressed you will become. You need to teach your child to regulate their emotions else they will struggle and if they struggle you will also struggle. You need to first deal with your emotions to teach your child as well because you cannot give what you do not have.

Dealing with parenting stress starts with the choices you make from today. The choices you make today will affect your journey tomorrow; to be better you have to work at it starting now. Be honest with yourself about where you are now and start working towards a better person and parent. Whatever skill you lack, you need to intentionally work on it, else there will be no change.

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Last week I was tagged to a post in another community asking if a Parent can raise a Child without yelling.

80% of parents said it wasn\’t possible,the person who tagged me on that post said \” I am in the inner Circle Program of The Intentional Parent Academy by Coach Wendy Ologe. Its been one year plus in that program and yelling is now a thing of the past; you can deal with this if you are commited to it.

Is it possible to parent without yelling; the big answer is yes however there are tools which I will be sharing with you in this blogpost.

With all the negative effecfs that yelling has, people still argue that they still need to yell even with all the chronic effects of yelling. Yelling is so detrimental that it can make a mess of both yourself and your Child.

There is a difference between a calm home and a chaotic home, the nagging, irritation, screams, cries and all the drama that comes with yelling. To be truthful which homr do you prefer. Calm and Peaceful vs Chaotic

When you yell, your Children either shuts down, gets defensive or yell back , so when you yell the Child shuts down and their is no impact with what you are saying. Your Child shuts down, becomes defensive or eveen shouts back. These are the things that happen when you yell. While you are yellimg your Child is not listening, they are defending themselves and are not listening to what you are saying becaue it is as if you are accusing the chikd. Then the Child will yell back, if your Child yell back now, they will tell back later, when they become older they begin to think that the only way to resolve issues by yelling.

Yelling is an indication of incompetence, if you struggle with yelling there is a lack and something that you deal with.

1. TAKE RESPONSIBILITY: The first solution to creating a yell free home is to take responsibility.When you discount yourself from the process of parenting, that is a failed system because what you have done is to exempt yourself and this cannot work. If you are not ready to participate in your own rescue mission nobody can help you. You need to own up and take responsibility. Take responsibility for being a yelling addict, It is laziness that makes you a yell addict.
2. CREATE ROUTINES AND STRUCTURE: A home without routines and structure relies on negative discipline because positive discipline is structure. If you don\’t have structure you will rely on negative discipline like yelling. Your ability to structure will help you overcome yelling. How do you beat a Child that has done all that is expected of them. Creating a structure in your home is dependent on many factots which we will teach you im the upcoming no yelling challenge.

Factors that help you create structure are:
Your Childs learning style , Temperament and love language,Your family values, Your family Culture. Structure helps you raise better behaved Children, less tantrums,helps children transition better into the day

1. IDENTIFY YOUR FAMILY FIRE SPOTS: Different families have different fire spots, some fire spots can be bedtime routines, bath times, dinner etc Fire spots are times that you are most vulnerable to triggers and when most misbehaviours increases.
2. MOVE YOUR YELL O METER FROM 7 TO 3:
   Understanding the yell meter is one of the topics that will be dissected during the No Yelling Challenge.
3. CREATE A SELF-CARE ROUTINE: A lot of parents are always frustrated because they are stressed.When we talk about Self care it involves mental care, emotional care , rest etc
4. CREATE TIME TO CONNECT. A child will constantly seek for attention so if you are not giving the positive attention, negative attention will follow. Because to a Chils negative attention is more important to a Child than positive attention.

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You can work on moving from a Yeller to a Calm Parent. I have shared this Free guide to help you understand why Yelling is bad and how you can work on it.Kindly download your FREE Copy here:

http://bit.ly/YellingGuide

The good news, you can reprogram this pattern , but it’s a skill you must learn not something you wish.
I’m offering you a 10 – day accountability challenge, where I guide and give you strategies that will take you from yelling to Calm.

I guarantee this Challenge will change your life as a parent.

If you are a parent that struggles with anger, you need this Challenge?

If you have being Yelling at your children and actually get tired at some point you need to join this challenge.

If you are looking for alternative ways to modify your child’s behaviour without shouting down everyone, you need this Challenge.

Join me for this challenge as I share with you how I walked through my own journey from being a yeller to a calm Parent.In this 10 days Challenge will give you a jumpstart on your journey to tame your temper.

In 10 days, you WILL notice a change in how often you yell at your children.

You Will Learn How To

✔Dramatically decrease how often you lose temper on your children.

✔Feel more confident in your ability to stay calm when things get chaotic.

✔Create a happier, more relaxed home for your entire family

✔Ways to move from a consistent yeller to a calmer parent

✔ How to use proven strategies and Tools to modify behaviours in your children without having to yell.

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If I can ditch yelling, you too can. Come let’s parent with Peace and Calm.

Be Intentional.

©The Intentional Parent Academy ™

https://anchor.fm/wendyologe/episodes/Relationship-Bites-With-Wendy-Ologe-Trailer-et1c2u

A while ago something very interesting happened in the TIP group, I asked how many parents wanted to stop yelling and we go so many \”YES\” responses.

The response was a surprise because a lot of the times people argue that its okay to yell but deep down they know that there is a better way to go about it. So in today\’s blog post we will be looking at how yelling affects you, your child and how you can stop yelling.

Sometime ago after a live session a Mother  in our community heard me talk about the dangers of yelling so she decided on her own to stop, weeks later she came back to complain that it wasn\’t possible for a Parent not to yell, I laughed because life abhors vaccum, if you decide to break the cycle of  yelling you need to have a strategy that will make your resolve effective.

Please answer these questions to tell if you are addicted to yelling…

•Do you find yourself yelling when you dont realise you are doing it?

•Is yelling easier than staying calm?

•Do you yell more often than you like?

If your response to these questions are Yes then you might be addicted to yelling.

Most times we get addicted to behavioural patterns especially when you were parented with those patterns and like many addictions, we don\’t realise we are yelling and deny it always.

The best way to actually work on yelling is to agree that you have an issue. The challenge most times is not in yelling but what your child hears when you yell, your intentions might be right but good intentions are never enough so to your good intentions you must add skill, knowledge and grit.

When you activate your pitch it can activate the dopamine hormone which is a reward hormone, so when you yell there is a satisfaction you get from it.

Getting to the point of parenting with calm is a journey that will take a while, we need to understand that getting to this point where you actually dont need to yell is a process that one needs to commit to. Often times I am asked how I got my ten year olds to cook, it was simply by intentionally teaching not by yelling or beating.

Effects of yelling on your Child

Many times parents tell me that it\’s not possible to just talk to Children calmly without yelling because they will not listen.

My response to them has always been \”it is because You have wired them/raised them to respond to only yells and shouts”.

It is time we begin  to pay attention to the things we pay attention to how we yell especiallyvwhen they upset us.

We think that saying things with just words might not be abusive since we are not hitting but you might be creating more psychological harm than you can imagine.

Children perceive shouting as a threat to their sense of security, safety and confidence. Long term exposure to shouting can result in fear, anxiety, stress, insomnia, developmental delays, behavioral problem, academic issues, social difficulties, emotional issues and thwarted coping skills … Sihweil

Yelling is as bad as physical Abuse!

Apart from what yelling does to your child, it also has it\’s downsides on you!

Yelling raises blood pressure, heart rates and adrenaline levels. People who yell exhibit higher levels of the stress hormone cortisol in their bloodstream over time.

The truth is, you are going to continue yelling if you never understand why you are screaming at your child and  that you can deal with it yourself.

The most basic reason many people yell is that  at some leave we feel we are not being heard. Yelling also stems from a need for control. It\’s a form of verbal aggression.

I hear you say \”If I don\’t yell my children won\’t listen…..lol

Well, let me tell you why…..you have programmed your children to only listen when you yell!

To help you further understand the effects of yelling , I have prepared this free guide

GET YOUR FREE GUIDE

You can work on moving from a Yeller to a Calm Parent.

I have shared this Free guide to help you understand why Yelling is bad and how you can work on it.

Kindly download your FREE Copy here:

http://bit.ly/YellingGuide

The good news, you can reprogram this pattern , but it\’s a skill you must learn not something you wish.
I’m offering you a 10 – day accountability challenge, where I guide and give you strategies that will take you from yelling to Calm.

I guarantee this Challenge will change your life as a parent.

If you are a parent that struggles with anger, you need this Challenge?

If you have being Yelling at your children and actually get tired at some point you need to join this challenge ❤

If you are looking for alternative ways to modify your child\’s behaviour  without shouting down everyone, you need this Challenge.

Join me for this challenge as I share with you how I walked through my own journey from being a yeller to a calm Parent.In this 10 days Challenge will give you a jumpstart on your journey to tame your temper.

In 10 days, you WILL notice a change in how often you yell at your children.

You Will Learn How To

✔Dramatically decrease how often you lose temper on your children.

✔Feel more confident in your ability to stay calm when things get chaotic.

✔Create a happier, more relaxed home for your entire family

✔Ways to move from a consistent yeller to a calmer parent

✔ How to use proven strategies and Tools to modify behaviours in your children without having to yell.

ONLINE PAYMENT
https://Selar.co/Noyellingchallenge

OFFLINE PAYMENT
Pay N4,999 to 0509494057, GTBank, The intentional Payment Academy. After payment, send your full name, and proof of paebt to WhatsApp 08034377085.

If I can ditch yelling, you too can. Come let\’s parent with Peace and Calm.

Be Intentional.

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