As parents, one of the most challenging conversations to have with our children is about sex. Unfortunately, many parents make common mistakes during these conversations, often due to their own unresolved traumas and discomfort. In this blog post, we’ll explore five of these common mistakes and provide guidance on how to navigate sex conversations more effectively.
Recently, a parent in our academy shared her experience of being sexually molested as a child. This reminded me of my own experiences—one involving a friend of my father’s and another with a reverend father. In both instances, I had to fight my way out and, fearing my father’s reaction, I confided only in my mother. Many parents have similar stories, often brushed under the rug and left unaddressed. These unresolved traumas can impact how we discuss sex with our children, sometimes leading to avoidance or inappropriate approaches. For instance, one parent shared how her trauma led to her avoiding sex conversations, resulting in her twelve-year-old daughter becoming pregnant.
The Impact of Trauma on Sex Conversations
Trauma from past experiences can complicate matters, leading many parents to inadvertently pass on their pain to their children. If you find yourself unable to discuss sex with your child, it may be due to unresolved trauma. This avoidance can create a cycle where children do not feel comfortable asking their parents about sex, leading to misinformation and potentially harmful situations.
Mistake 1: Using Fear, Shame, or Absolutes
One of the most common mistakes is using scare tactics to communicate about sex. Many parents believe that instilling fear will deter children from engaging in sexual activities. However, the teenage brain is attracted to risk, and scare tactics can have the opposite effect, making risky behavior more appealing.
Using exaggerated consequences to instill fear creates anxiety and can backfire, prompting teens to explore the very behaviors parents want to prevent. Research has shown that fear-based approaches are ineffective because the brain does not learn well under fear. Instead, they can trigger curiosity and rebellion.
Example
Parents often use frightening stories and exaggerated consequences to instill fear into their children. For example, telling a child they will get pregnant if they engage in sex can backfire when the child’s brain interprets the risk as something to try.
Mistake 2: Waiting for Children to Ask
Another mistake is waiting for children to initiate sex conversations. The law of first mention states that the first source of information about a topic often holds the most influence. If children hear about sex from peers or the internet before their parents, parents lose a critical opportunity to shape their understanding and values.
It’s essential to have age-appropriate conversations early on. Start the dialogue about body parts and boundaries from a young age. If children aren’t asking about sex, it’s crucial to be proactive and ensure they receive accurate and healthy information from you, their parent.
Example
If the first time your child hears about where babies come from is from a friend at school, they may receive inaccurate information. Parents should introduce the topic in an age-appropriate manner, ensuring they are the first source of accurate information.
Mistake 3: Telling Lies
Parents often lie to avoid uncomfortable truths, thinking this will protect their children. For example, saying babies come from the stomach or claiming to have been virgins until marriage to discourage sexual activity. However, lying breaks the law of trust, which is vital in sex conversations.
Trust is the cornerstone of effective sex education. When parents lie, children eventually discover the truth, damaging trust and credibility. Being vulnerable and honest, even about uncomfortable topics, builds trust and fosters open communication.
Example
When parents tell their children they married as virgins despite having not, they think this will encourage abstinence. However, when children discover the truth, they lose trust in their parents, damaging the relationship.
Mistake 4: Overreacting
Overreacting during sex conversations can shut down communication. Children test parents with stories to gauge reactions. If parents overreact with anger or panic, children may withhold information in the future.
Emotional intelligence helps manage reactions during these conversations. It’s essential to remain calm and composed, asking for the full story before reacting. This approach encourages children to share more openly and builds a foundation of trust and safety.
Example
Children might share a story about a friend’s sexual experience to gauge a parent’s reaction. If the parent reacts with anger or panic, the child may choose not to share personal experiences or concerns in the future.
Mistake 5: Neglecting to Teach Assertiveness
Building Confidence
Sex education is not just about the mechanics of sex; it’s also about teaching children to be assertive and set boundaries. If children cannot confidently say no or assert their boundaries, they are more vulnerable to coercion and abuse.
Teach your children to look adults in the eye and assert their boundaries. Conversations about sex should include discussions on consent and respect. Clear, age-appropriate communication is key to empowering children to protect themselves.
Example
If children are not taught to be assertive, they may struggle to say no in uncomfortable situations. Teaching assertiveness helps them confidently assert their boundaries, making them less vulnerable to coercion.
Navigating sex conversations with children can be challenging, especially if parents are dealing with their own unresolved traumas. However, by avoiding common mistakes such as using fear tactics, waiting for children to ask, telling lies, overreacting, and neglecting to teach assertiveness, parents can foster a healthy and open dialogue about sex.
If you’re struggling with these conversations due to past traumas, consider seeking healing and support. Our Healing from Childhood Trauma course is designed to help you address and overcome these issues. Remember, effective parenting requires continuous learning and growth. Don’t hesitate to reach out, get educated, and create a safe space for your children to learn about sex.
By addressing these common mistakes and adopting healthier communication strategies, you can ensure that your children receive the guidance and support they need as they navigate their own understanding of sex and relationships.
Sex Educate Your Child Like a Pro 4.0 is here again
This time is here with a different curriculum once again: so even if you attended last year , it’s still brand NEW!
Registration starts on Wednesday with a flag sale where you get 90% discount.
Joining the wait-list means you get to pay #2,999 ($4) only instead of #15,500 ($6) for the course. There will be a flash sale for this challenge on Wednesday .. 5th June 2024 ONLY!
People on the waist list will get a flash sale of 90% discount Joining the wait list means you will get perks and discounts as soon as registration is announced on June 5th ,2024.
Instead of paying 15,500 for the course you get to pay N2,999 only.. On that day Join the waits for Sex Educate Like a Pro 4.0
ENJOY THESE PERKS WHEN YOU JOIN THE WAITLIST
• Get a 50% 2 hour flash sale offer on Monday
• Guided hands: A father’s handbook on penises care and health discussion with their sons.
• Guided fingers: A mother’s handbook on vagina care and health discussion with their daughters.
• Walking your child through puberty course.
• Get bonuses worth over N50,000
REGISTRATION FEE: 15,000/$17
2 HOUR FLASH SALE ONLY ON 5th JUNE N2,999/$4
This is strictly for those on the waitlist
Join here: https://bit.ly/SexEducateWaitlist01
Special offer for registering people in groups of 10 and above. Flash sale will only be announced at 12 noon -2pm on Monday.
