How To Parent Using Your Child’s Love Language

Love is a universal language. It can be expressed in diverse ways according to the language each person understands. It is cherished by everyone. Bringing it home to parenting, when a parent and child share a love language, it\’s easy to express and receive love from one another. However, when a parent and child have different love languages, it can be equated to building a house with someone who speaks a foreign language.

At a family counseling session, a 25-year-old from a seemingly loving family said, \”I know my parents love me but I can\’t see it. I only believe it because I know that parents naturally love their children even in their worst state\”. When I heard this, I knew something was wrong but at the same time, I didn\’t judge the parents or the young adult experience. It was good food for thought for me. I left that session wondering why anyone from such a loving family will say that they didn\’t feel loved because I know the family. Boom! It clicked, \”LOVE LANGUAGE\”.

As parents, our main job is to know who we are parenting and part of that knowledge is knowing your child\’s love language and understanding how to express it. It helps you to parent your child better. There are several ways by which parents can know how to effectively parent their children.

• Understanding your child\’s love language.
• Understanding your child\’s learning style.
• Understanding your child\’s temperament.
• Understanding your child\’s emotional quotient.

However, our focus will be on love language. Gary Chapman, an author, listed the 5 love languages;

1 . PHYSICAL TOUCH: The most common way to speak this love language to people who understand it is by giving hugs or kisses. It can also be by affectionately holding their hands. Positive touches fill their love tanks and can positively affect their behavior. For the child who falls under this category of love language, when you discipline him by hitting or slapping, he severely gets imparted emotionally and mentally and the gap comes in. The child\’s self-esteem will be affected. On the other hand, an unwanted touch for a child with this love language will be a problem. If the child gets molested, he or she won\’t survive it.

2 . WORDS OF AFFIRMATION: Communication and affectionate words are powerful for a child under this category. It means that the child will pay attention to things you say and will reap the benefits. The voices of the children that their love language is words of affirmation hear matters a lot to them. Are the voices of instruction, encouragement, discouragements, or criticism? Words are powerful. Words can make or mar your children. As a parent, you are a co-creator with God so the things you speak to your children will come to pass. When you speak negative words to your child, it can cast doubts on his abilities.

3 . ACTS OF SERVICE: Parenting is a service-oriented vocation. The day you become a parent is the day you sign up for full-time service. The contract lasts for a minimum of 18 years with an active reserve for several years after. This love language is easy to combine because you have already signed up for service as a parent. However, you need to teach honor and resourcefulness. If not, the child that falls into this category will fold his hands and cross his legs while you do everything, and that will destroy the child.
You need to understand how it works for your child, how to show it, when and where it is essential on your journey, and implement it.

4 . GIFT: This can be the most difficult love language to do. I have learned to teach parents that gifts are not only material things. The problem is that children whose love language is a gift, like getting everything they want. When you give in to your child\’s demand of gifting all the time, you can set the child up for failure. They can become entitled or won\’t put a value on things so when you understand that gifts are not only material things, you handle such children differently. If care is not taken, you\’ll begin to substitute gifts for your presence. Teach the child that gifts can come in form of time or honor.

5 . QUALITY TIME: There are children whose primary love language is just the time they spend with you. How much time are you willing to give? How much time are you willing to share? In the inner circle, we created what we call Connection Tools. Connection tools are designed for parents to be able to give their time on their parenting journey. Whether your child\’s love language is a gift, time, physical touch, or words of affirmation, the truth is that every child\’s love is spelled TIME. If you can not give that time then you are probably on the wrong side.

In the academy, we teach parents that time is the currency of destiny. The moment you are given a child to raise, you are a destiny custodian. As a destiny custodian, you are a custodian of talent, time, and treasure. Most parents claim not to have time to parent their children but that\’s the language of people who are poor managers of time. Time management is life management which means that if you say you don\’t have time, you are a poor manager of your life.

HOW TO KNOW YOUR CHILD\’S LOVE LANGUAGE

When you know your child\’s love language, what do you do with it? Do you speak it or do you parent on the go? The first step you need to take is;

1 . Get To Know Who You Are: Understanding who you are and how you show love is key. If your primary love language is physical touch, you might overwhelm your child whose love language isn\’t physical touch. If your love language is acts of service, you might have a problem trying to jump into doing everything for your children and that might harm them.

2 . Understand How You Give Love:

A lot of people make mistakes when it comes to this. Many married women believe that their primary love language is “ act of service” because they need helping hands. Start by healing from any form of trauma- understand who you are, and where you are coming from, and heal from your trauma because trauma can affect your love life.

3 . Understand What Your Love Language Is: This comes after you must have known who you are and healed from your trauma. Without these steps, you cannot walk through the process of being able to love intentionally.

3 . Understand Your Child\’s Love Language: Understand your child\’s love language and how to show it. With the help of emotional intelligence, you\’ll be able to parent your child using his love language. It makes it easier because you will be able to communicate your thoughts.

In conclusion, a child whose love tank is not filled will constantly misbehave. Most times, people say that negative attention is better than no attention for a child and that\’s why you see some children cause mayhem just to get their parents attention but it is not supposed to be so. Children love attention. It is like food to them.

Furthermore, understanding one\’s primary love language doesn\’t just apply to children only but also to adults. Many times, couples have marital issues because they don\’t understand how their spouses should be loved. All these challenges might be as a result of trauma. Heal from your trauma and work on your emotional intelligence. It is key. Do not go through parenting making mistakes that will leave scars on your journey.

Day 3 of the “Becoming An Emotionally Intelligent Parent Course “ went live yesterday and I am short of words because this year’s “Becoming an Emotionally Intelligent parent course is a total deliverance for families. The testimonials are like a one-year course progressive. What a blessing .

Over 1,700 parents as at today 🙌💃🏻💃🏻

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I just had a breakthrough listening to module 2 of the Emotional Intelligence course this morning and I’m tearing up in the gym. I can’t even begin to explain Wendy.

Wow Wendy…. I’m in shock! I’m in shock! I’m in shock!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think I am close to the source of why I am the way I am…. Or maybe I have even just arrived at the source gan gan. It came from the question or maybe it was even just a passing comment “review the way you were parented.”

I realised that I looked up to my accomplished dad and I felt his disappointment in my academic abilities. This was also reinforced in my highly academic school. I actually very regularly wanted to do better but every time I slipped up it reinforced their thinking that I was not capable and as such when I became aware of my natural abilities socially I leaned into that. I decided to become popular and good with people. Wendy till this day even professionally I don’t bother to try hard on my technical skills- I just wanna be gisting with people in the office and get them to do their work. It works in the office but I am painfully aware that being a nice person that helps the working environment is great but my technical ability needs to develop.

The thing is I KNOW for a fact that I am actually quite intelligent…. But I have never had the motivation to use it because the expectations I’ve always felt from my parents and teachers is one of my lack of ability and it is exhausting trying to learn when the people who should be teaching you don’t believe in you.

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